Today I thought I would share my personal journey with endometriosis. My journey really begins all the way back to my adolescent years. I knew something was not quite right early on into my womanhood journey. There were days of having such severe cramps that I would be couch ridden for an entire day. I knew when speaking with my peers that my experience, though shared by several, was not always the "norm". In fact, I can recall several peers telling me they really did not even experience cramps. I couldn't understand at the time, but the severity of my pain and the symptoms that would accompany it like, throwing up on occasion, passing out or almost passing out, being bed-ridden, were all pointing to something more. Not only that, but as the years passed these symptoms began to regularly happen throughout the month not only during a period. In fact, the further things progressed the more it was common to have worse pain and symptoms outside of a regular cycle. Flash forward to the year we got married, I was in my early 20's and we were attending an evening concert when I began feeling like I could no longer walk. The pain in my abdomen was crippling. I recall it hurting to go to the bathroom either way. I recall feeling hot and like I could pass out or throw up. I recall feeling like something inside of me was going to fall out. I thought I was having an appendicitis attack. However, I learned it was an ovarian cyst. The cyst I was told would burst on its own and I would be fine. However, that did not happen, and the pain continued building to the point where I asked to have it surgically removed/drained. When they removed it via a laparoscopy, I was then told it was a blood/fluid filled cyst and that it was drained, and all is well. I recall being sent home and having severe abdominal pain and trying to use the bathroom. I ended up coming to on the floor with my husband on the phone with 911. He had called for an ambulance to come for me since I was so weak.
I recovered from that and thought truly that I had finally put all of these odd symptoms behind me. But the pain continued internally. During the scans of my abdomen, they had found a small fibroid tumor in my womb. Again, I had tried to put it all behind me but with my continued pain and symptoms I decided to see a specialist for all of my pain. He ran further tests and again confirmed the presence of a small fibroid tumor and concluded that must be the cause of my internal pain and cramping. The pulling/falling sensation was getting worse, and I was almost a year into marriage and dealing with infertility during that as well. The Dr. said we could operate to remove the tumor, but he first wanted to verify it was indeed non-cancerous due to the amount of pain I was having. He also said I was probably unlikely to conceive due to the location of the tumor and my current infertility. He could operate after the scan if they confirm it benign, however, the surgical removal of it could risk me losing my entire uterus if it went poorly.
I was so unsure of what to do. My pain was unbearable and at times debilitating and yet this surgery could also put my hope for building a family naturally at risk. I recall a phone conversation with my mother-in-law where she encouraged me to put it all in God's hands... that He gave me these desires and He also would be faithful. I remember feeling more at peace after our conversation. I vividly recall that I took a Mace C.D. with me to my Cat Scan appointment because they told me i would be able to listen to something of choice during the scan. I also vividly remember my conversation with God before I left the car that day in the Hershey Medical center parking lot. I said, "God, even if just ONE life is changed, and ONE person comes to know You because of all of my pain I would consider it all worth it! Please use my life as a testimony." From what I knew Mace was a Christian rap artist. I loved his songs. Many on his album were filled with lyrics that inspired and spoke of change and the life of someone trying to live surrendered. I knew one song in particular gave a Salvation message within the lyrics. and I happened to LOVE that song too! So, I got up to my scan and the tech asked me that question that often brought tears... "Any chance of pregnancy?" to which, I choked up but I was able to mutter, "I mean I haven't had my period regular and so I'm late but I just took a test last week and it was negative soooo..." and he responded, "Okay, well if we start the scan and see that you are pregnant we will stop it right away because you shouldn't have this scan while pregnant." So, I again reassured him I just took the negative test and have been having issues so I'm pretty sure I am NOT pregnant. That is when I asked him if he would please play my Mace C.D. during the scan. He looked at me rather shocked and said incredulously, "YOU listen to Mace?" Me being me, I had no idea what he meant that apparently Mace had quite the bad boy rapper rap... So once I realized this was his understanding I reassured him, "Oh No! Mace has changed. You should listen to his lyrics. Especially track 7! It's my favorite."
We began the scan, time went by, no the scan did not stop... and we got all the way through track 71I thanked God for the opportunity to share the gospel with someone in that way that day and I still do. Then, I went back home and waited over that long weekend for the results. I wasn't really concerned it was cancer. I just didn't have "that" feeling. However, when the call came in from my Dr. over my lunch break that Monday, I was NOT expecting to hear what he said. He began with the good news... "Well, it is not cancer BUT..." that But was so confusing and felt like the breath afterward lasted forever. Finally, he concluded his thought with the most perplexing and shocking words, "we think you might be pregnant." WHAT?! You had just told me a few days ago i may never conceive due to the placement of the tumor... yet here I was being told by that very same Dr. I am pregnant. So, in response, and continued disbelief I replied, "Well what ELSE could it be?" He responded, "It could just be a build up of fluid." OH! Immediately I knew in my head that was what it was. After all, I had just taken the negative test last week and the man who ran the scan promised me they would abruptly end the scan if any detection of pregnancy occurred, and they did NOT do that sooo... Okay, now I also have fluid building up in my uterus. GREAT! What else could be wrong with me?! I was getting downhearted.
To the hallway I went, and some co-workers approached asking me what that was all about so I remember I off-handedly said, "Well that was my Dr. He thinks I might be pregnant." And my co-workers were like, "You need to go home and take a test right now!" So, that's exactly what I did when my shift ended. I went home and walked to the CVS at our corner, bought a test, went home and proceeded to be in complete shock when the result read with two bold pink lines! PREGNANT! ONLY GOD!
I thought maybe this would mean the end of all of this pain and difficulty. But it was actually only the beginning of the next few years of nightmarish pain and suffering. During pregnancy I felt AMAZING! In fact, the further along I got the more I felt the best I had in years! I had no idea how excruciating the year after I delivered my first would become. I nursed her only briefly and began bottle feeding soon after recovering. With that decision brought back my cycle. This time, more regularly. This meant, the pain was also more regular. I had nothing to compare these pains to before childbirth and labor pains. However, now that I had experienced a 24 hour labor with 3 hours of pushing I knew exactly what labor and after birth and all of that felt like. Now when the pain set in throughout the month I could describe the torturous internal burning pains, the pains that felt like my insides were being ripped into tiny shreds and being pulled out or trying to fall out without luck. These pains, unlike childbirth, wouldn't come and go, in fact, they often stayed for hours upon hours. And for some odd reason that I still do not understand they would often strike me in the overnight hours for hours on end until I felt so tortured and hopeless and afraid of the unbearable and seemingly endless internal hellish pain that I would beg to be taken to the emergency room for some sort of pain relief! Anything! I became desperate. And over the course of that next year I must have gone to the E.R. at least a handful of times hoping for some sort of relief only to be dealt continued confusion, no answers to the amount of awful pain I was in and no end in sight to all of the continued infertility again as well. I had delivered my first in 2006 and suffered these horrendous pains for the next year until the end of 2007. In between that time I saw a Dr. who finally gave me the diagnosis that I could understand and make sense of all of the unimaginable pain and symptoms I had be suffering for years. Endometriosis. I remember finally feeling relieved to have an answer and be able to gain some sort of understanding in all of my suffering. I also recall feeling a better sense of direction for treatment and management options.
After that appointment we began discussing treatment options and landed on the only one that seemed it had some potential to help me re-gain a sense of control in my life that felt very out of control and stolen at the time. I was at the point I couldn't even feel safe to go to the grocery store for an hour anymore for fear and panic that a pain attack would strike and debilitate me in front of everyone and abandon me at the store until help could arrive. The pain attacks had begun to alter my way of living and make me feel isolated, afraid, and insecure in my own skin. Taking Lupron helped me gain a sense of self again. for those 3 months my pains subsided, and I felt like I could again LIVE. But, first of all I knew it was not a long-term fix and that eventually I would need to end treatment, probably after 6 months, due to the potential bone side effects. Furthermore, during the end of the 3rd treatment I had breakthrough pain and was dealing with other unwanted side effects and didn't tolerate the injections well... so, I decided to end treatment. With that decision pain did come back. However, not to the extent it had before. But, enough that I continued to seek out treatment options for this new diagnosis. I looked into changing my diet, and other alternative methods to treat my pain and that is when the Lord led me to a friend of mine who shared her mom's journey with endometriosis and her struggle with continued pain even after the Hysterectomy. She gave me her phone number and that call helped me to begin my Essential Oil journey! I STILL use and love essential oils. I do believe fully that God gave them to us to use to find natural healing and help for many ailments! For me, they weren't a cure, but they were a healing balm and an analgesic to lessen the intensity, frequency and panic that the endometriosis pain had brought into my life. After learning her endometriosis regimen and using it successfully for 3-9 months, sometime in that time frame we ended up pregnant in the fall of 2007. I do believe that something either related to my hormone imbalances from still regulating after using Lupron OR in general my lack of health in that season of my life due to the traumatic pain I was enduring regularly I just could not sustain her pregnancy and we ended up losing our second child, a daughter, Joeli Grace after 5 months of pregnancy. We will never know the true cause of her death though and I am still haunted by that. I just wish to know and understand why and what caused it. But we will never know so I have come to try and release that to God.
After losing Joeli, we purposed to wait so that I could heal not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, after her loss. We began trying again but it just did not seem possible. Yet, beyond all odds, yet a third time just under a year and almost to the day the year prior when we had conceived, we again conceived. This time, I felt ill from all of the hormone changes but oddly strong and well physically otherwise. mentally and emotionally though this 3rd pregnancy was extremely trying. As time went on though, as in the past, my pain completely vanished and as far as that goes, I felt WELL and WHOLE!
After delivering my third child, I nursed for almost the whole first year and fell pregnant almost immediately after I stopped nursing. So, I spent that entire next year also feeling WELL and WHOLE! I nursed my 4th child, 3rd living child, until 15 months old. My cycle started off manageably. and regular but was beginning to be at times debilitating and brought me fear once again. I also continued to desire a bigger family and once my husband saw my heart and we decided to try it was immediately that we were blessed to be able to conceive my 4th living child. After delivering her I intentionally pre-determined to nurse for as long as the baby would happily do so. Considering by that point I recognized that pregnancy and nursing put me into COMPLETE remission of all my pain and symptoms of the endometriosis. I praise God that for me, these two blessed aspects of life were afforded to me by God my Maker and that He also allowed them to be my healing balm for the better part of my child-bearing years. I'm now going on almost 20 years post diagnosis and I still have not needed to resort to the Hysterectomy. God has been so kind to help me through my journey of endometriosis. I also went on after my 4th living child to nurse her until she was almost 3 years old and then conceive immediately my 6th, 5th living child. And, I nursed him until he was almost 3 also. All the while, my pain at bay! It wasn't until I went an entire year and a half post nursing cessation with my 5th child that the pain began to come back to an unbearable point. Most of my pain at this point was mid-cycle around ovulation. The pain would last a week or more and come and go. That was when we discussed a hysterectomy but I was only 38. I made the decision after a wise friend asked me a prompting question, "Do you WANT another child?" So, I stopped and actually asked myself that question. I felt too old now. I felt like my chances were slim still but that if it were God's will, YES, I DID actually desire for one more child in our family. And so, that was the end of that story! She was given to us one that desire like He even planted each one of our children in advance in my heart to grow there first!
I am now 2 years post delivery and a few months into trying to wean and my cycle returning after having delivered by 6th living child and I can tell you that my pain is returned but nothing like it has been in the past yet. My prayer has been for years now for God to HEAL me if it is His will. I believe in many ways He has and He has used seasons of healing to get me to where I am now. Almost 40, having been blessed with 6 living children and a strong albeit older and less capable body than my younger self likes... But here I am, telling my endometriosis journey. In hopes to inspire faith, wisdom and comradery in the journey. And thats exactly what I hope me telling my story does!
Blessings,
Abi
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