Brevity

Brevity. 

Brevity can teach one a lot. It can sharpen so much of life into laser point focus. Brevity can also challenge. It can challenge faith and family. Brevity brings with it opportunity to grow and change and gain a new level of closeness to the reality of Heaven. 

One of the hardest and saddest days of my life, June 20th, 2018 brought that brevity. And all it has to offer, with it. 

I remember getting the call from my mom that they didn’t think Jason Asher had much longer, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe it. I really believed now that he had outlasted the many doctors negative predictions or advices for his early demise (aka abortion aka murdering him while he was alive inside my sister in laws womb), that now he would be strong enough to survive the possibility of surgery to correct his LUTO condition. I had SO much hope and not a true understanding of how weak and vulnerable his tiny little body actually was in that NICU in New York. But, when I got the second call from my mom saying similar things again and urging me, if I at all thought I could, (since I was also one of the main caregivers to my Mother-in Law in end-stage MSA-P) to try to come and say my goodbyes to my nephew and see my niece in the NICU as we were unsure how her outcome would be as a preemie, as well. 

Having a nursing infant and on such short notice, I decided the long trip to the NICU, the visit and trip home I would need to bring him with me. My wonderful sister in law on my husbands side of the family came and cared for my Mother in law and my other 4 kids, along with her own 5. I am forever grateful to her for that sacrifice and love she showed that day and always. 

The drive to the hospital was somber and quiet. When we arrived Jesse was asleep and so my dad offered kindly to watch him so that I could go up to the hospital room with my mom to see my brother, his wife and possibly the babies since we knew we wouldn’t be allowed to take my baby into the NICU. 

When we saw them it was just no time to be happy or rejoice, even though they had just delivered beautiful twin babies. The fight for their lives overtook any feelings of joy and replaced it with uncertainty and heartache in the journey at hand. The room was honestly full of sadness and uncertainty. Very shortly after my mom and I arrived in the room my brother got a call on their room phone and it was very evident by his tone things were very very bad. He got off the phone and said Jason had been crashing and they tried to revive him several times and he is barely hanging on. The doctor was urging them to go up and see him and make decisions. Even in that moment, I remember thinking we needed/they needed, to fight for him. It still did not sink in to my heart or head just how fragile he was. My sister-in-law was in so much pain physically. I could see it in the way she was hobbling after an emergency twin C section and severe edema issues. I was worried for her physically, but also so broken for her emotionally knowing how devastating it is to be so physically broken and emotionally broken all at once as I recalled my state after losing our own daughter, Joeli. 

I watched them gather themselves, fight a bit and try to process what they were going to do. As we got into the elevator, I felt like screaming and crying and escaping. Adding to all of that, I also knew the “rules”. I wouldn’t be allowed in the NICU with Jesse and I was unsure what to do with my own baby in all of it. I honestly felt so sick to my stomach, so sad and so heavy and lost. We tried to communicate everything to my dad and he said Jesse was still fine and wanted us to go. So, we followed them to the NICU and the sights and sounds of that huge ward filled with families, nurses and vulnerable children will forever haunt me. We rounded a section and I saw Jason all hooked up to machines and he looked asleep very soundly. The machine they had him on made me so sick to my stomach. It was called an oscillator and it was essentially, I would learn, the only thing keeping him alive. It was shaking him so immensely fast in hopes to keep him breathing and his heart beating... it sounded to me like a jack hammer. His poor abdomen was sunken in because of his urinary condition and his one foot had not had a chance to fully form because of the low amniotic fluid during pregnancy. But aside from those visible issues, my nephew Jason Asher was the most precious beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had dark brown hair and a strong body built to fight. As I looked at him with all the love that welled up inside of my heart from the very moment my sister in law told me they were expecting and I thought it might be twins, to the many times I spent praying over them in the womb and before hand for the blessing of their lives in the first place, I just started saying, “Hi Jason, Aunt Abi loves you! I love you so so much!” And as soon as I started talking he heard my voice and his beautiful beautiful bright brown eyes and strong little head turned and he looked RIGHT AT ME as if to say “I love you too Aunt Abi thank you for praying for me and being here for me!” I will never ever ever forget that very special moment and those beautiful eyes. 

After that, the doctor led us all back into a side room to discuss the situation. She explained that Jason is a fighter but that he is truly fighting for his life right now and that looking ahead there would be many more surgeries ahead if his lungs and body ever develop to be strong enough to survive the surgeries needed to fix his LUTO. She explained that because of the low amniotic fluid throughout the pregnancy his lungs were very underdeveloped and he was only alive right now because of the machine he was on. They would continue doing whatever they could do but they had already revived him a couple times that morning when he crashed and that the more than continued to happen the more brain trauma would also potentially happen. All of it seemed so horrible to even have to process. I hated so much that my brother and sister in law were in this place and I still wanted them to fight for Jason in my heart of hearts. I can look back now and see that this decision was most wise and gentle toward Jason. But I hate it with all my heart that we didn’t get the complete miracle here, though we did see so many miracles along the way I still longed to see him grow up and be theirs to love here! Even now writing all this out, I still long for that. But, as they discussed everything they did decide to take him off of the machines and allow him to pass peacefully. 

We eventually met up with my dad and even the waiting area the staff was upset I had the baby with me and I felt so bad about that I was possibly adding any stress or frustration to an already horrendous situation and I just wanted to leave so that it wouldn’t be any issue added. But they both advocated for me and Jesse to be able to stay and be with them as they said goodbye to Jason. There was the head doctor who also advocated to go against hospital procedure and allow for this exception, and though we faced some very angry and pushy staff I understood completely the various reasons why typically this situation would be so unacceptable and add noise and stress and hurt potentially to other families. But for ours, it obviously meant so much to them to have us there and not have me have to go wait alone somewhere during his homegoing. I’m so thankful for that doctor allowing me the very painful opportunity to support and love my family as well as have a chance myself to say my final love to my nephew that day. I was able to sing Jesus loves me to Jason and hold him. And then when he had gone to be with Jesus and Joeli, as we went to leave little baby Jesse reached over to his baby cousins head and stroked it and said, “aww baby” as we left. A moment we will treasure forever and a true testament of the love between cousins and the beauty of how children even babies themselves see the beauty of LIFE! 

The drive home was full of tears and emotion and shock and processing. The next few days I spent just in post trauma. I almost had a panic attack in our backyard just hearing a noise similar to the machine that was keeping Jason alive and that was when I knew my brain and body needed tlc. I also knew if I was having trouble processing not even one full day in the NICU that my brother and his wife would be so deeply hurting having to face the NICU day in and day out even after losing Jason and seeing “his spot” re-filled with an empty bassinet and just continuing to support their other baby through her NICU journey. Grief was so hard to walk through also because it was not MY baby so not many people really checked up on me and how I was doing. I was struggling to process my own grief while also staying present for my mother in laws needs and my own kids and family. I had to toughen up and stay strong and not fall apart and that was really really hard when all I really felt capable of doing was laying in bed crying and mourning. 

To this day, I also mourn over how my brother and sister-in-law have processed everything by keeping distance from the family. I rarely get to see my niece or spend any time loving on her and I grieve that too. The rare occasions they are around my heart is full and I long for the day when God can fully restore and mend hearts. 

There is so much brokenness in this world and I don’t want to share this to add to the brokenness, but to share my own heart and journey through one of the most difficult experiences of my life in hopes to help myself process more—which writing always does, and in hopes to remind someone else facing heartache beyond what they feel they can walk through that it is so vital to anchor your hope not in today or tomorrow, but in God-the Hope of our future! I also want to say, it’s not worth being mad at Him. He is the only reason I’m still standing. His Word and promises are the only sustaining goodness and grace I cling to. I have the promise I will see Jason Ashers beautiful eyes again someday and that he and Joeli Grace are walking in the light of Gods goodness and glory fully healed and fully restored! 

“He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭22:20-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  

So we will keep looking to the clouds, as my Dad shared so beautifully today by the graveside. Ever more we look for Jesus’s second coming! And we say, AMEN, COME LORD JESUS! 

The Rock and My Hard Places

Take a journey with me! I invite you to see how I found comfort, strength and security from the Rock in my hard places! As we journey together, and I share about my own season of surrender, I challenge you to self-reflect on what ways the Rock of Ages is calling you into surrender too.

At the end of January, my family and I were able to take a vacation to Florida. We go not just for the vacation, but for a special time as a family to honor the birth day of our daughter Joeli Grace, who we lost after five months of pregnancy. And because of the pain that is so often over that week, we have found that this time away creating happy family memories has become very sacred for us. It was the day before her birth, January 29th 2008, that we found out her heart had stopped beating. That day is always very difficult, I think especially for me. But this year God blessed us with the most incredible reminders of His presence and I think, Joeli’s presence with us too. At the very end of that day we went to the aquarium in Clearwater, Florida to see Winter and Hope from A Dolphin’s Tale. My kids were SO excited. They tell me they’ve seen the movie, but I can’t remember seeing it. I’m not much of a movie fan anymore though, so who knows! 

Anyway, we arrived at the aquarium, parked in the garage and got in line for our tickets when suddenly people behind us in line said, “Hey, here’s a free child’s ticket for you. We just want you to know JESUS LOVES YOU!” I said, “Wow thank you so much! Jesus loves you too!” And then they walked off, and we went to purchase the rest of our tickets only to find out that the ticket they gave us couldn’t work for some reason. We had a good laugh and said, “Well, that’s okay, it’s the thought that counts right?! And Jesus still loves us!” Then, after we purchased our tickets we excitedly followed a crowd of 5 or 6 people into a little elevator. I think as they saw our family of 7 trying to squeeze into the elevator with them it instantly led them to their question for us, “What floor do you need?” AKA when can you all GET OUT OF HERE? To which, I very excitedly and loudly proclaimed, “Whatever floor the dolphins are on!” To which, they half laughingly said, “Well, this is the PARKING GARAGE ELEVATOR, so if you’re trying to get to the dolphins you need to get out and go back the way you just came from and outside the building following the signs to the dolphins.” 

I open with that story, because it’s very easy to walk blindly, to follow the crowd... but the only place that gets us is lost in the “parking garage elevator” of life. We need a guide. That’s Gods Word. We need a planner. That’s The Holy Spirit, our Creator. And we often need a Body surrounding us, who have gone before us and are gathered around us to help point the way. That’s the people in the elevator who helped us realize we needed to turn around! We need to have enough room in our hearts, minds and lives to have space to welcome in and walk with The Plan and The Planner and the Planners Pals! That means an emptying of SELF and a SURRENDER to Someone and Something greater than ourselves! So let’s talk about a Season of Surrender. 

I recognize that maybe you aren’t being asked to surrender a season of unknowns to a terminal illness in your family right now. But I think that no matter where you’re at today, we can all relate to a season or even moments of being called to surrender. Maybe for you, it is surrendering a job with co-workers that are pulling you down a path you know is taking you far from God. Maybe it is surrendering a habit; Surrendering a hobby, or maybe surrendering your thought patterns. Maybe it is surrendering your desire for control. Maybe it’s as simple as surrendering YOUR plans for dinner tonight and taking time to cook for someone in need. Or as simple as surrendering YOUR side of the bed to a sick child who wants to cuddle. Along with surrender, I think a big key here too is surrendering the things God is calling us to surrender WITHOUT a begrudging spirit. 

Philippians 2:17 says it SO beautifully, “But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a drink offering to God,[a] just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.”

Gods call for me was surrendering MY plans for my children’s education, MY time for exercising the amount I enjoyed and surrendering the pride of continuing to grow MY own blossoming business AND instead caring for my terminally ill mother-in-law and my father-in-law through a VERY difficult season. I want to share with you about this season of surrender. In order to do that, I want to begin by taking you back about 12 years ago with me. That is when my mother-in-law, Lynn, began with her very first symptom of the disease that ultimately took her life January 2nd, 2020. So, 12 years ago was like any other day at work for her, until she passed out, hit her head and landed in the emergency room. I remember my very first thought upon getting the news. Being the optimist that I am, I went straight to, “Oh no! She has a brain tumor and is dying...” 

I had no idea that although I was wrong about the tumor, and we briefly rejoiced in the “clear” results, my mother-in-law was actually already beginning her very long journey with the rare terminal illness called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism, or MSA-P. 

It was a long journey of health scares for my mother-in-law until that diagnosis finally came. In fact, it wasn’t until multiple bladder infections, continued occurrences of passing out and hitting her head on things, sycopal seizures, tremors, a heart attack and one severe bladder infection that ended up leading to sepsis and landing her in the intensive care unit at Lancaster General Hospital, where she was finally diagnosed in around 2014. I will never forget my mother-in-laws response to her diagnosis, “Well, at least it isn’t Parkinson’s!” My in-laws really had no idea what this diagnosis meant. I tried to ask the doctor to do some more explaining and give more information to us regarding this neurodegenerative disease... but maybe the lack of understanding lent them the ability to truly LIVE through this terminal diagnosis with joy and continued normalcy?! Because that is EXACTLY what she continued to do, even through all the continued falls and health issues that arose, she just pressed on as “business as usual”, or as normal as possible. 

Mom pressed on. 

Dad pressed on too and picked up care for her rather seamlessly. And for a few years it really honestly did not even seem like “she was dying”. 

As things progressed though, it was becoming more and more obvious that we were entering a stage of this disease where the support they needed was increasing and the rate at which the changes were happening was becoming too hard for them to bear on their own. The health declines were overwhelming even for my husband Sean, myself and Mike and Kristina, my brother and sister-in-law, to keep up with. Sean and I remember Mom walked herself with a walker into the recovery room after I delivered our last child, Jesse. That was some 2 1/2 years ago now. But she was growing weaker and more unstable physically and her mental struggles with the neurodegeneration aspect of the disease were becoming more and more apparent with lewy body dementia, paranoia and hallucinations all setting in heavily. 

When it reached the point where Mom could no longer bathe herself and Dad was not able bodied enough to safely care for her either, that was the point I said, “We need to do something!”. At that point Moms falls became much more frequent as well, pointing to the unsafe nature of their situation. We started with helping them acquire a few days a week of a couple hours with nursing support... but it was rather quickly obvious that due to the dementia and paranoia setting in this was not adequate with the amount of care and oversight needed. It was also setting mom off emotionally, because with the dementia setting in, every new face became an anxiety provoking situation for her. 

This is when God began to call me. I knew it was just pulsing through my blood to care for her, for them, through this season. I knew I could, or thought I could handle the road ahead and whatever would come (which I had NO IDEA how much would come and all that I ultimately could NOT handle). Yet, I was willing to surrender whatever I needed to in order to be able to serve them through this difficulty. And it was during the many talks that we all had, that we were led to the ultimate decision that they would build onto our home and we would care for them. That is when I began saying this was going to only be a SEASON. And when I said that I knew, it was truly going to be a Season of Surrender. 

It was not easy to walk out the surrendering, but it also was not too hard. Don’t hear me wrong. There were certainly moments, days and even months that felt TOO HARD in regards to the amount of care, emotional strength and work that it took to serve my in-laws through this. But in regards to the surrender that it took to serve them, God gave me grace upon grace to be able to do so with a deep joy and peace inside my heart. I really believe HE called me to this journey. But the difficulty, the heaviness, the hard-ness of their season of care truly came in April and May of 2019, just over one year after we had taken them in. And boy was it one of “those” seasons. In October, 2018 my mil was accepted into full hospice care. Meaning, the prognosis in their assessment of her health was that she had only 6 months or less left to live. I calculated and that took us to around April, 2019. And so, as expected, April was very hard. And May was almost unbearable for us all. Yet, although April and May seemed unbearably hard, dark and painful, we pushed through and found strength through the incredible support of friends, family and The Church. And Mom somehow pushed through April and overcame what we believe was sepsis. Although Mom rebounded, she was now so weak and almost completely non-verbal. Sean's father had also had a very difficult year with us from 2018-2019, facing multiple bladder infections himself. His infection in May, the month just following my mother in-laws battle with near death, he also became septic. He went into the care of Lancaster General Hospital for much of the month of May, leaving me with the full responsibility to care for my mother-in-law. Though I felt the weight of responsibility, I often thank God for the wonderful support we had from my brother and sister-in-law. Without Kristina’s support through that I may have ended up in a mental hospital-all joking aside. With both of my in-laws seemingly facing death's doorstep, the pressure we felt was intense during that season. But God! God allowed us to walk through possibly some of the darkest most painful seasons in the surrender that we have ever walked through. 

It was hard. It was SO hard. But every moment of the hardest and darkest parts of the journey only lent me further opportunities to more deeply surrender my heart, my mind, my desires and plans, my fears and my weakness to the One who IS able. 

Many times people use the phrase, “I hit rock bottom.” It is when God is the Rock at the bottom, that I think we have fallen exactly where changes and growth happen, which bring deeper beauty. People also use the phrase I’m stuck “between a rock and a hard place”... both phrases really bring about a sense of finality and impossibility to any sort of FORWARD or UPWARD motion. But again, IF GOD is the Rock that we hit when we fall or feel stuck, we somehow SEE things differently and notice that we are now ABLE not because of our own able-ness, but rather, because of HIS! I don’t know about you, but I am SO thankful He is at work WITHIN us!!

Yes I am thankful He is at work WITHIN us!!

In Ephesians‬ ‭3 it says, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” You are a VESSEL being used by Him!

‭‭ ‭‬‬

His stability, immovability, security and strength, all of His faithfulness provides for us! This reminds me of a vision God gave me when we lost our daughter Joeli Grace after 5 months of pregnancy. I remember just crying out to Him, “GOD! Where are you in all of THIS?!” And instantly He showed me this dark turbulent, bitter, violent stormy sea with waves crashing all around me and then He took my eyes beneath the surface of all of the waves and heartache and DEEP deep beneath the storm was a HUGE ROCK planted firmly, unmoved, unshaken, unaffected by the storm above. And He said, “Abi, this is who I am and where I am. I haven’t moved. I haven’t changed. I haven’t shifted. I am still the same yesterday, today and forever.” And I felt this stillness wash over me. He is my Rock. In Hebrews 13:8 it reminds us that, “Jesus Christ (is) the same yesterday, and today, and forever.”

I asked an artistically gifted friend of mine, Leslie McCarthy, to paint this vision for me. She called it, Rock Of Ages! http://lesliemccarthyart.com/

When everything else is shaking and unstable, and not secure, HE is immovable, unshakable, unchanging, strong and stable and secure. I don’t know about you, but I want to fall on a Rock like that! I want to get STUCK on a Rock like that! 

That year after we lost Joeli, I poured myself heavily into the Psalms. This one from Psalm 18 was one of my firm foundations:

Psalm 18:1-2 says, I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

You know, in the Old Testament many times God’s people would celebrate VICTORY by blowing the ram's horn! He is our victory celebration. The rams horn also symbolizes protection and defense against an enemy. Think of the ram. His horns are his defense and protection! God is our Mighty Defender and our SALVATION! 

There is something I want to share with you, it is the concept of a vessel. We recently went to Florida, as I mentioned previously, to honor the 12th birth day of our daughter Joeli Grace who I told you about, who we lost after 5 months of pregnancy. Something that not many people would know is that from the day of her birth, my husband Sean has always called her body her “shell”. He always said, “That is just her shell, she is already with Jesus!” And God spoke so directly to my heart that difficult January 29th day this year. He sent reminders of His presence and Joeli’s presence too. That morning as I walked the beach, I came upon 5 perfect and LIVE conch shells sitting all together in ankle-deep sea-water.

I instantly got teary eyed and could barely breathe because I felt so sure that God and Joeli had gifted them to us, one for each of her siblings. And then, not even a half an hour later I found a perfect pure white and EMPTY conch shell. 

Do you know how miraculous it is to even find one conch shell? You know, people say things are happenstance or irony but this... I truly believe with all of my heart THIS was one of those Signs From God Himself! A miracle! A reminder of Joeli’s presence with God. A gift to her siblings. God speaks! 

Now our shell is a CARRIER of something. Right?! A VESSEL. I mean vessel MEANS a container-something that holds something else. A blood vessel carries blood. A ship is a vessel that carries cargo or people. A jar is a vessel that contains juice. 

So I want to ask you today:

What are you carrying? 

Blood 

People 

Luggage 

Juice

I don’t think the vessel that we are is quite so simple in purpose. We carry much more than these fading and temporary things. WE carry an eternal spirit. We carry within us something Created by GOD! We were created to live with purpose! And if we are in Christ, we carry the Living Hope within us, every single moment of every single day. So often though we overcrowd our vessel with useless things. We waste our 

Time

Words

Money 

Energy

Resources

Mind

Emotions

Gifts and talents... 

We miss precious opportunities to LIVE WITH PURPOSE. We fill our shell with dying fading things instead of being FILLED with HIS LIFE AND PURPOSE! And what is the BEST way to live a life FULL of purpose? Maybe surprisingly it is actually found through living a •LIFE OF SURRENDER• not just a season, but a whole LIFE of surrender! Being EMPTIED, poured out like a drink offering, so that you can truly BE FILLED with all HE has for us and wants to do in and THROUGH us! 

So, my final question for you today is this:

Are you living a LIFE of surrender? Or are you holding on to areas, to habits, to selfish desires or maybe even some healthy desires that are taking the position though of FIRST above HIS CALL for your life or your season or your day or this moment? Take some time to self reflect, talk to God, and then maybe even to share with a friend today in what ways God is speaking to your heart... INVITE the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart and do some pruning if necessary! Let the Holy Spirit begin to usher you into a Holy Calling and a life of surrender! May the hard places you face, lead you to The Rock of Ages!