Married with kids...

Just a short blog about married with kids...

The other night he did it.

He said that thing that struck that chord.

But I held my breath and my tongue and waited and purposed in my heart to hear him out.

And then I did it.

I said that thing that was in my heart.

But not right away.

I said a quick prayer in my heart that I purposed this year to do each time I am tempted to be led by emotions rather than truth.

And I invited God into my emotions and my response.

And something pretty neat happened.

I voiced my heart in calmness and poise, but in truth.

 Back the story up... I said some harsh words and admitted right away I meant them to be harsh so he could see how his words have lately been toward me (that was wise and godly right?!--NOT!) so then he entered the room and shut the door behind him. UH OH!

Then he said it.

The root.

And so I listened and determined a solution to uprooting that root and instead finding healthy water to grow the tree of our marriage stronger.

So with honesty and communication we both chose instead of not recognizing or admitting a root to bring it from darkness into light.

But not only that, we then also spoke in controlled ways and decided that action had to be taken to remove unhealthy weed roots and action had to be taken to water our relationship so not only weed out the bad but also water in the good in its place!!

Bottom line, I will let you guess about what we discussed! In marriage there are many times when disagreement and hurt can damage the relationship... But we have coined the saying we may fight hard but we will ALWAYS choose to love harder!

Questions to ask yourself today:
-What weeds need removed from our hearts and lives in order to make room for healthier roots to thrive?
-What ways can we water our marriage tree?
-Have I invited God into my emotional responses?
-Have I committed to ALWAYS LOVE HARDER?
-Have I not only communicated my needs/desires but also taken time to brainstorm a root and a solution?

Ephesians 4:31-32New Living Translation (NLT)

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Praying God is involved in our marriages today in a new way! 

Blessings friends! 

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

If you read and appreciated this post today would you be willing to send me some marriage topics you would like hearing more about to help grow your marriage tree stronger?! If you read marriage blogs from husband and wife perspective what would you appreciate growing more understanding in?! Thanks so much in advance!
Abi.dougherty@yahoo.com

Love.

The burden.

The weight.

It rests on me.

I try to let it go or refocus my thoughts or shift them.

But still it remains.

Heavy on me.

Like a dull beating drum.

Like the panting of a race horse after the heat.

Love has become lie.

Fiercely drown out is truth.

Sincerity disparity God gives us clarity.

I don't know a single father who would let their son wander to the edge of a chasm

Or one single mother who would be acting in love to let them explore beyond the boundary

Where safety is threatened

But freedom has beckoned

Is it freedom at all though, past the edge, off the ledge?

Many of us pledge we walk in love

But like Chris Rice sang,

"sometimes Love has to drive a nail into His own hand."

Love, sincere love, hates what is evil, clings to good.

Love, sincere love, sacrifices, repents, forgives,

Walks humbly, justly, rightly

Lays itself, self, I said self, down

Fully ready and expectant, expectant, I said expectant

To stand in truth, to stand, stand, I said stand

Love, sincere love, recognizes the great cost involved with true love

It bows low regularly,

Leaving the burden

The weight

Rest on me

Like a freedom, freedom, I said freedom that is truly not free

This freedom cost Him everything

And left me with the greatest gift

The only of three to remain

Faith, hope

And

Love.

Relying Upon Him-He is ABLE

My heart on paper.

Some days I can feel so alone. Some days I can feel so inadequate, incapable, insecure. Feelings shift and change day to day, moment to moment. I'm thankful my feelings change. I'm thankful for being a creation made to experience different emotions, thoughts, feelings. Yet, managing my thoughts, feelings and emotions in a godly way is often a task that feels too high a call; too steep a climb.

I was excited and happy to have our first day of co op. Yet I knowingly was behind on some "tasks" "due" today or before. So, I was feeling a bit ashamed and insecure. If I'm honest, feeling rather incapable also. Raising four precious lives to know, trust and walk with God through their own journey is a big under taking. I do not for a moment take the responsibility lightly or without acknowledgement of the privilege and weight it brings. And sometimes, some days, it all just compounds and I feel "the weight of the world on my shoulders". But I try to trudge along. Picking up my weak and needy feet off the floor and foraging forward.

Today I was reminded of my desperation. My desperation for a God who walks WITH ME in my inadequacies and failures and in my weaknesses and struggles; He walks with me through IT ALL! I was reminded of the importance to cry out to Him! I love the song and proverb that go:

Lean not on your own understanding in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight... Don't worry about tomorrow, He's got it under control. Just trust in The Lord with all of your heart and He will carry you through!

This morning at co-op the woman in charge of co-op's prayer room shared the vision of trying to fly a kite on our own without wind. She shared how the little child may be very excited and may run and throw the kite high into the air expecting it to soar. Yet without the wind it goes only so far. But on a day with great wind the kite can fly and soar and go above all we've expected. Our day without the Holy Spirits help and guidance is much like a day trying to fly a kite without wind. We may be able to accomplish some, but when we invite the Holy Spirit to help He guides and supplies the flight/strength and ABLE-ity to our day! He is ABLE! This vision struck me also because the woman who shared it lost her husband in a sudden farming accident last year and now raises and homeschools her children "alone". But she has a Help, the Holy Spirit! I shed a few tears and again was reminded by My Helper-The Holy Spirit to NOT go it alone but to rely upon Him!

He is ABLE!

I pray that if you're reading this today and feeling like your kite is just too heavy or you just can't go it alone, that you know you don't have to! Invite Him in! He LONGS to go with you on this journey!

Love,
Abi

A Lesson In Faith and Hope

This blog post has been a long time coming.

Awhile ago Joeby and I were going on a "date"... As we drove away from the house, he looked up at the dvd player in the van (which had been known to us as "broken" for awhile now) and he said, "Mommy, lets watch a movie!" So, I told him, "Buddy, don't you remember, that has been broken for awhile now." He quickly responded, "I know Mom, but Jesus can heal it!"

My initial response was both shock and pride. My son's faith was strong and right on! Jesus could heal it!

So, without hesitation I said, "You know what Buddy, you're right! And Jesus loves when we have great faith and He works mightily when we step out in faith so let's pray together for Jesus to touch our dvd player." *mind you, this is not the first time we have prayed over "silly little" issues with our car in particular and we have seen amazing miracles in even the *silly little* things. My initial thought was, "Hey maybe God is using this as a time to show Himself to my son as he has such faith in His power!"

But, this time as we finished praying and I opened the dvd player up and put in a dvd there was no change.

Blank screen and blank faces.

This reminded me of a valuable life lesson.

What do we do when our God "fails" us or in the very least, "fails" to answer our requests?

Faith in our circumstances will almost always let us down and leave us with questions.

Faith in our God will always leave us with hope and filled with trust and joy and peace.

Sometimes faith is grown, tested and shown most in the circumstances when we have seen the least "answered" prayer. It is not always the times when we've seen the most miraculous happen, but when we have seen the least happening and still we hold unswervingly to the faith we have in Christ.

Hebrews 10:23New Living Translation (NLT)

23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

or this version

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

The most extreme example of this I've experienced in my own life has been when we lost Joeli. I feel sometimes like I'm always talking about her, but she has truly taught me so much I can't help but talk about the many things I have learned and ways I have grown through that time in my life. Anyway, when we found out we had lost her I remember being wheeled down that dark somber hospital hall and I felt bad for the nurse, because I didn't know if it would be awkward or not but everything in within my heart and soul was crying out to speak to God out loud in this dark time. So I asked her, "Do you mind if I pray out loud?" She said no and so I began just laying everything before God. I remember telling Him I knew He could even resurrect Joeli if He saw fit, but that I would trust Him and that ultimately I knew she was His and He has a plan even in this most difficult time. I told Him I would trust Him no matter what and my faith would not end in who He is and what He is able to do. Through that time my faith grew in unimaginable ways. I developed a fervor and boldness for the Lord. I grew in ways I know could have been accomplished outside of losing my daughter, but because of this time in my life and my desperate need and longing for Christs hope and truth I grew much. 

Sometimes the miracle is miraculous healing, and other times the miracle is holding on to our faith even when the miracle does not happen. I would argue, the greatest miracle is a deepening faith in the One who holds our very heartbeat in His grasp! 

And so, as all this was running through my mind I used this time as a life lesson for my sweet faith-filled son. I told him how sometimes God answers our prayers and sometimes He does not. But, He never changes and He is faithful to us and knows what is best for us and He loves us! So, when we face times of unanswered prayer, we can keep crying out to Him for miracles, but we can also trust Him when the miraculous does not yet happen that He is working on our behalf. And, we can lean in closer to Him for a deepening faith. 

And in telling my son these truths, it reminded my own heart to be aware. What am I putting my hope and faith in?

God, or circumstances?

So today, I want to ask you the same question friend. What are you putting your hope and faith in; God, or your circumstances? 

Much love,

Abi

T.O.H toh toh a word from God on perspective and vision

Tonight on my run I had a lot of time to quiet my thoughts and listen for God. It's one big reason I LOVE running. At about 1/2 into the 10 mile run I saw a banner that said 

T.O.H 

Toh 

Toh 

 in descending order. At the third toh my brain kicked into backwards mode and computed that what I was seeing was actually a banner from the wrong perspective... From the right direction it would have read 

H.O.T

Hot

Hot

Makes a lot more sense now doesn't it? At about 3/4 into my run I was still asking God to speak to my heart and write something on my "blank slate". That's when He spoke to my heart... 

When we don't look at His laws from the right perspective we can't make sense of Him or what and why He may be saying it. His word and His laws may seem confusing or no longer relevant to our society... But I would ask, are we looking at things from the right perspective? Maybe we need to ask God to help us adjust the way we are looking at things so we can see from His perspective tonight. 

After God spoke, I started thanking Him for opening my eyes and giving my heart vision to see what He is saying to me. And don't you know the next moment I was clasping my eye as the tiniest gnat flew in and clouded my view and made it difficult to even take the next step let alone finish my "race"... 

It immediately reminded me to stay humble and immediately reminded me of the scripture, "you were running a good race who cut in on you?!" Before when I would think about that verse I always envisioned like a big obstacle or person of much distraction and persuasion cutting in on me and keeping me from "finishing my race". Yet tonight I was reminded that more often than not, it is actually the inconspicuous tiny gnats that "cut in on us" and keep us from running a good race. 

So God said don't let it take for you to get to the final word Toh for you to finally see truth the way I see it. 

And God said, girl you better keep seeking Me, keep Running after me, keep Searching for my truth and humbly checking your vision that you understand my ways my words my heart from MY perspective and NOT your own!

It's funny but when God talks to me I often hear Him talking like a gal pal would... Hence the "GIRL you better";) line ha

Check your vision, ask God tonight, God what may I be looking at from my human limited perspective and need your help adjusting my sight and perspective on so that I can see truth clearly from Your way? Humble my heart and help me lean info You above my own understanding. Thank you for who you are and I trust and hope in You alone! In Jesus name amen!

Pickling recipe

Step one: prepare About 16 cups of cut cukes (can add broccoli as desired too) and 1 1/2 onions (fills one lg metal bowl)
Cover with 1/3 C salt and ice and fridge for 3 Hr. Or just refrigerate overnight.

Step two: Boil canning pot

Step three: Boil pickling mixture:
10 1/2 C part white vinegar and about 3 C/one small container of apple cider vinegar
7 C gran. sugar
6 C organic cane sugar
6 tsp celery seed
3 + tsp mustard seed
2 + tsp black peppercorns

Step four: Fill six pint size jars as full as possible with prepared cukes

Step five: pour boiled pickling mix over cukes to just below neck of jar

Step six: tightly place lids on jars and boil 25 min with 2 in. Water over tops of lids.

Judge me!

Just some some thoughts while mowing the lawn tonight and after a conversation with my brother...
A memory verse from my college days keeps running through my mind this week...

Colossians 2:8New Living Translation (NLT)

8 Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers[a] of this world, rather than from Christ.

I remember that class pretty well. My college professor, Mrs. Allshouse shared truth in love. Sometimes I didn't like hearing it very much, like the time she told me my dress was too low cut... But when she shared truth, she always always tried to do so from the loving lense of Gods word and His truth in hopes of guiding our hearts closer to His --even if hearing certain truth hurt a bit. Especially that dress, because it made me feel and look good... But alas, I recognized the truth she was trying to teach my heart was to love others above myself by protecting hearts not setting them forth to stumble and ultimately love God above myself by laying down my desires to glorify Him.
I hope when I die someday people will say of me that, like Mrs. Allshouse, I was willing to speak biblical truth lovingly in hopes of guiding hearts nearer their Maker, in love, gentleness and humility but even knowing it may sting a bit at times too. I've already failed at this in seasons though, allowing the evil spirit of deception to mascarade as love in my silence or acceptance or unclear ways rather than gentle correction and loving truth, I truly led way to hate. I've also failed in seasons of my own misguided heart making me incapable of leading hearts when my own was so distant from Christ.

Now, onto talking with my brother... Tonight he shared with me he is 90 days free and clean! Sobriety has been a journey for him. I believe walking in freedom is a journey for us all! We will have our ups and our downs. But anyway, he said something I thought very profound... He said that the group he is a part of made him very angry last week. He was like, "they said some things that were very judging...and they kinda judged me... And it hurt. And I was so angry. But what they said was true and when I went away and thought about it, eventually I realized they were right." As our conversation went on he continued to explain that this was really difficult for him... For him to be talked to in these ways and to then recognize the bad parts in himself and then after recognizing the truth in the hurting things that were brought to light, seeing the need to change if he wanted to move forward and be better for it... It was so difficult for him. But he chose to do so and he is seeing he is gonna have to work on this more still. Judgement and condemnation are two very different things.

Christians, Christ followers, Jesus lovers, we must learn the difference between the two and be willing as well as be able and in a spiritually healthy place to judge our brothers and sisters in Christ AND, I will say it again, AND, we must be eager to RECEIVE judgement ourselves. So that like my brother, we can grow and be changed, stronger, better for it!

Dear brothers and sisters, there are two very deceptive and hollow philosophies (even a spirit blinding many) many have bought into.
1. LOVE must be free from judgment, boundaries, discipline, and consequences to be true love.
2. To be silent, absent or vague on any front is more loving than simply sharing truth no matter what the medium whether through doctrine, through microphone, through book or written word, through media or social media, through photography, through music, whatever it is and wherever you are, "in season and out of season" be ready to be salt and light BECAUSE oh how this dying world NEEDS it so desperately...

A dark day, comforted in breath from the Creator and Comforter

It's hard to imagine that on this exact date seven years ago my heart was so heavy I wasn't sure how I could even face this day. It was the day our precious Joeli Grace was due. But she had gone to be with Jesus just five months earlier. Today, as I reflect on those heavy days-like today were for me-I am also thinking about friends who have just suffered the loss of their baby. The weight of the world rests on your shoulders and in those moments it feels as though you are suffocating from the inside. I described it to a friend as having a limb lost  (although of course I have not personally experienced this, I imagine the analogy parallels in more ways than one) and though you know you can go on, you also know you will have to re-learn how to walk and function and your "going on" will be all new now. It will be painful and time will seem to be stuck. Some reach out and tell you they care, yet in their next breath and probably without even understanding or recognizing it, they complain about their "children" or their laundry. And so you think to yourself, "oh how I wish all I had to be "upset" about right now was laundry."... And you wish they could take more than a moment to "mourn with those who mourn". Then there were those who truly did take more than a moment out of their routine and life to stop in and just tell you they are doing your dishes and bringing your heavy hearted, unwashed haired, swollen eyed, broken self a meal.  

Today, I am so grateful to be on the other side of the most painful times of our grief journey. We have struggled through the immense fear and questioning of bearing subsequent children. And we have seen joy and peace and hope restored on the other side. We have waited and prayed and still longed for our healing and strengthening and continued faith building through the loss of our dear Joeli Grace. And we have been upheld by much support, many prayers and by The Word and Promise of our Lord Jesus Christ. We often say how we wonder how anyone goes through this type of loss without hope in Christ and the promise of His word. 

People often ask me how to support someone  who has suffered loss or is in a painful situation. The best advice I think I can offer is this. Stop. Stop what you have going on. Stop thinking like yourself. Take a moment to think like they may be. Stop living like you can take one breath without the Creator of that very breath. And melt yourself into Him so that you can pour yourself out for the hurting around you and fill them up with Him! 

My heart and prayers go out to my brothers and sisters who are mourning today. May the Rock who showed Himself to me in a vision of turbulent stormy seas be the same unmoved unshaken Rock for you in your painful journey. Know that you are not alone! The God who suffered even unto death on a cross, has taken the weight of your suffering upon Himself and He did it all to demonstrate faithfulness and promise of His restorative hope we now longfully await. 

And my friends that rejoice today in Gods faithfulness and joy, I rejoice with you too! Yet, may we not be so complacent to forget that we too have faced times of mourning and have been comforted for the purpose of expressing love and strengthening from the Great Hope with which we ourselves have been comforted. Our every breath, from the Comforter Himself. 

It was a dark day. Yet, today, we have found comfort and hope in breath from the Comforter Himself, the Creator of each breath, His promises...

"He gives and takes away, blessed be the Name"

The Three Pups By Seana J. Dougherty

Torey lived in a little basement with her sister Bella and her brother Cooper. They were Golden Retriever pups. Their basement was full of boxes of old toys, and clothes, and all kinds of stuff.

One morning Cooper said, "Lets try to get out of the basement". "I'd rather not. We might get lost." Said Torey. "Oh come on Tori and Bella!", said Cooper. "Fine," Tori said. "Fine," Bella said. So they started to search for a way out.

After a while they started to get tired, until Bella said, "Hey! Torey, Cooper, I found something!" "What is it?" Said Cooper. Torey and Cooper rushed over to see it. "I think it is a dog door" said Bella. "Let's see if the door will open" said Tori. "Oof! "said Cooper. "He got out! Let's go!" Bella said. So they went out into their backyard and found Cooper playing with a centipede. Torey said,  "Eww!" So did Bella.

"Wow, that bug was cool!" Cooper said. but thank goodness the bug is gone" said Bella. "Hey what's in here? Cool check out this path into these woods." Said Cooper. "Come on Torey, hurry up." Said Bella. "Okay I'm coming" said Torey. They were in the woods now and they were having a lot of fun, until they found a bear. They were terrified, but they stuck together. They hid together in a log. After a while, the bear found them. So they had to run away. The bear caught them and was about to eat them. Just then Torey said, "let us go!" The bear said, "no! I'm hungry." "We know where some berries are " said the pups. "I have not seen berries for a while in here. That's why I'm going to eat you." Said Bear. "Please let us go. We promise to show you the berries." "Well, okay." Said Bear. So, he let them go. And like they said, they did promise. Bear got his meal and he was happy, so were the pups.

The End.

My Nasty Cabin Photograph

No, not this photograph. This one actually is rather sweet and nostalgic because it was taken the second month of my pregnancy with our last little Caboose. The nasty cabin photograph I am talking about is rather embarrassing and regretted, yet equally as memorable.

And so the story I want to share with you about THIS past weekend (which reminded me of THAT weekend-the one when the regretted photograph was taken) goes like this:

So, it was Monday morning. We were about to be packing up, cleaning up and readying to leave the cabin and head home. Seana, as usual, had gotten up super early before anyone else was even awake. The moment I came out into the main area of the cabin (*sidenote: it's essentially a 2 room rustic hunting cabin, there is no electricity or running water aside from the cool rigged up running water spouts my Uncle created and oh OH, the outhouse...yea that's not running water! I know!! Anyway, I digress...) she approached me with a very frustrated and angry look on her face. She snarled quietly at me, "WHO did this?" as she pointed over to a mess on the floor of the kitchen area. I could barely make out, through my sleepy, dirt-laden eyes, the plastic grocery bag with paper and plastic all strewn everywhere with fake guns and the pops laying there. I looked at it and then back to her and said, "I don't know." Clearly she was not satisfied with that answer and realized I was not understanding what she meant, so she clarified, "NO, WHO took Seth's gun (our neighbor boy whom they each love dearly and had purchased and set aside a play gun for) out of the wrap?" "Oh!", I said, "I did because Carter and Jemma were fighting over a gun so I just figured since I did not see any others laying around I would open the one in the bag that was left so that they would stop fighting."

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?", she asked in a now extremely irritated and bitter tone.

I went on to explain further the situation and my thought that it was not that big of a deal and that Seth would gladly receive the gun whether or not it was still in its packaging. This was completely unacceptable to her (especially in her overly tired state). She stormed off and out the door in a tizzy. She was also upset that some of the pops she thought should be in the bag were missing. She went frantically looking for them outside-slamming things, ripping at car doors that were locked trying to get inside and see if she could find whatever it was she was looking for exactly...AND, looking at me like the I was the devil incarnate. ;0 ;)

It was then that I realized this was like deja vu. I was her, or she was me in my younger days. This almost exact same scenario in this exact location-the cabin- had played out when I was about 14. So, I decided I could run from it and pretend I was above that and did not need to go any further with this and just let it be what it is OR I could go and humbly share my own story-my embarrassment and regrets-with Seana and let her know how my regretful behavior and attitude turned out to be for me.

So, I tried to take her hand and ask her to come with me so that we could sit outside in the back of the trailer and talk together. She ripped her hand back from mine and looked at me with her angry face. I told her that hurt. I told her I wanted to have a talk and that she should hear a story I think she can relate to.

So, reluctantly she followed me to my dad's trailer and we sat on that dusty trailer and we talked-well, mostly I talked.

And so I said, "Seana, I want to tell you about my nasty cabin photograph.

I want to tell you about a time when, like you, I was so so angry at my mom. But, I'll tell you what... looking back now, I can't even tell you what I was angry about. All I remember is that it was the last day of our trip and we were packing up to head home. Just like us, today. And that look on your face right now, that was the same look I wore on my face that day too. But you know what? That weekend was actually quite amazing. We had a little foster boy, my foster brother named Josh along. And I was SO excited to show him everything I loved about the cabin that weekend. So, I took him on hikes to the salamander pond. I showed him how to break sticks into walking-stick size. I roasted marsh-mellows over the fire with him and we did all my favorite cabin things together. It was AMAZING!

But...

But, that very last day, as we packed to leave I got angry at my mom about something. And so I had a terrible attitude and wore a sour, angry mean nasty look on my face for a little bit that afternoon. And, of course, they wanted to take a final family cabin photograph. And you know what...I remember that photograph better than any other. I was wearing my shorts, a bandana to hide my lovely cabin hair, and crossed arms and a cross look on my face, as well. The saddest part of it all may be that everyone else sees that picture now and assumes that it depicts the weekend. But it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't at all. Not even a bit. I regret so much that I could not control my emotions and choose to forgive and release my anger sooner. And now it is burned onto a photograph for all to remember for all of time."

Sadie soon joined our little mama-daughter talk, so I looked those two gorgeous girls in the eyes and I told them about my struggle to manage my emotions. I told them that as women we have the gift of emotions. We have the struggle of emotions, too. I told them that I wished I had learned earlier in my days to PRAY about my emotions and the struggles I face. I told them I wished I had worked at it more willed and purposefully to give God my emotions and INVITE Him into my emotions when I was younger. This year I have purposed to INVITE God into my emotions and to ask Him to be leading them more. I have failed. But, unlike before, I have actually noticed my failures sooner and prayed more readily for help from the Lord to work in me and help me master them to His glory.

As these past few weeks have gone by I have had several family struggles. Opportunities to practice this purposing I have set out in. At times, I have had to manage my emotional responses. At times I have had to reflect and allow God to work in my heart. This week I have had times when I have had to release emotions and allow Him to carve me better into who He is calling me to be. Times when I've failed and times when I have grown and times when I have recognized emotional responses and been able to ask God ahead of time to help and guide and lead and times when I have not recognized soon enough. But, I consider this a win that I am recognizing at all. He is working in me. We are all being pruned by the Gardener and boy am I ever grateful for those willing to find grace in their heart for me while I'm in my pruning! And I find myself especially filled with gratitude for my tender Gardener over these past few weeks in particular. That in all my weed-filled moments, He tenderly, carefully and gently removes the thorns from my life and surrounds me with well watered and nurturing soil. He crafts me into His lovely creation despite my weak and needy state.

This song is on my heart tonight so I want to share it in closing.

All my love,

Keep on building Him a temple-healthy, whole, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically,

~Abi

What a Friend we have in Jesus,   All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry   Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit,   O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry   Everything to God in prayer! Have we trials or temptations is there trouble anywhere? we should never be discouraged. take it to the Lord in prayer. can we find a friend so faithful? who, will all our sorrows share... Jesus knows our every weakness take it to the Lord in prayer. Are we weak and heavy-laden cumbered with a load of care? Precious savior still our refuge-- take it to the Lord in prayer. Do thy friends despise-forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer. In His arms He'll take and shield thee Thou wilt find a solace there.

Crown of Thorns and Mother's Day

Yesterday I spent the day planting apple trees with my mom. It was a great time of reflecting on the hard work of motherhood, and bonding together. Digging holes to plant several shrubs, also, left my hands worn, though. As if that weren't enough, I went home and proceeded to uproot several bushes and then got into the "real work". Seeing as we dove into a fixer upper last year, this year we are still doing so much work to rid the property of some very thick brush. Part of that has been removing some huge thorn bushes. The bushes themselves are huge, and the thorns on them, lets just say I've never seen thorns this large in my life.

As I worked very hard to do my best to remove the thorn bushes I found myself stuck several times. I was entangled in briars so thick and hideous I often wondered which direction to pull to work towards freedom. At one point I was bending down very low to saw off the bottom of some thorn stumps and vines (that were also like something from Princess Bride-forget ROUS, this is VOUS vines of unusual size and TOUS thorns of unusual size). When I went to look up, the back of my head caught one of the large thorns and before I knew it, I had it lodged into my scalp. Removal was fun. *cue sarcasm*

This morning, as I ran a beautiful leisurely Mother's Day 2 miler, I was looking back on the beating I took yesterday. I'm covered in scratches and of course poison ivy as well-happy Mother's Day to me haha! As I reflected, it became clear that God was reminding me that Jesus too, took a beating to give me life. See as I clear the flower bed out I am allowing life to grow. Instead of being trapped or tangled or strangled out by thorns, clearing is giving the beautiful and healthy bushes and trees opportunity to thrive. Jesus Himself, wore a crown of thorns. Texting this weekend with some of the most wonderful friends and moms I know, we discussed deep loss. We shared our hearts and our hurts. And I was reminded this morning the first few Mother's Days after losing Joeli. How trapped in sorrow and circumstance I was. The feeling of being trapped by the one thorn stuck in my scalp was a good analogy. Those thoughts of, "where do I start?". "How will I get out of this?".  This one thorn though, seems to pale in comparison to how Jesus must have felt-so trapped and bleeding with many thorns stuck every which direction into his sinless scalp. This man, He knew what it was to face insult, persecution, feel trapped, lonely, bruised, worn, emptied, helpless and abandoned. He hung in the weight of deep loss. He knew sorrow and suffering. He was acquainted with grief. He bore it all to bear life. He bore it all to give me-us life. He bore it all to bear great hope upon my soul.

And so, as I thought about this great sacrifice of love and life my Savior gives, I thought about all the times I have been blessed to also give life to my children. I thought about the scars I bear, the stretching I've endured, the "thorns" I've worn. And they all do pale in comparison to His great testimony of sacrifice, faithfulness and love. But I strive for being poured out in love, as He has exemplified.

So, today I am ever grateful for the crown of thorns, the gift of life He gives, to show me how to better be the humble servant-mother He is calling me to be. I am thankful for His ability to sympathize with my own weaknesses and His acquaintance with grief and His ability to know how rejection feels. His hope-filled promise of restoration!

Be blessed today as you celebrate motherhood!

~Abi

Isaiah 53 New Living Translation (NLT)

53 Who has believed our message?
    To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
2 My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
    like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
    nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
    a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
    We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
    the sins of us all.

7 He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth.
8 Unjustly condemned,
    he was led away.[b]
No one cared that he died without descendants,
    that his life was cut short in midstream.[c]
But he was struck down
    for the rebellion of my people.
9 He had done no wrong
    and had never deceived anyone.
But he was buried like a criminal;
    he was put in a rich man’s grave.

10 But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him
    and cause him grief.
Yet when his life is made an offering for sin,
    he will have many descendants.
He will enjoy a long life,
    and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.
11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish,
    he will be satisfied.
And because of his experience,
    my righteous servant will make it possible
for many to be counted righteous,
    for he will bear all their sins.
12 I will give him the honors of a victorious soldier,
    because he exposed himself to death.
He was counted among the rebels.
    He bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels.

SHE Studies talk April '15

I was asked to lead a night of SHE Studies last week. The video they showed before I shared my heart was a clip of Jo Saxton (A leader of 3DM ministry) sharing pieces of her story and how the lack of her relationship with an earthly father really affected her perspective on God as a Father. It was a clip from an IF Gathering. She also shared from the Bible about how having faith in our battles and brokenness can affect our ability to overcome and "face our giants". I was asked to share how Jo's story related to me. So I wanted to share with you my heart and a testimony of Gods vision He spoke to my heart in a dream to restore and bring healing and peace in a time of deep disappointment, disillusionment and anger. I will share essentially my testimony word for word from last week:
My husband Sean and I have been blessed to be attending LCBC for about ten years now. I have been blessed with four amazing kids. I've also been blessed to lead worship vocally for several years now. Yet often times in this blessing I struggle with anxiety and fear, I'll dive more into that later. So, Jo's story really reminded me of my dad’s story with that desire for an earthly father relationship. But before I dive into that piece of my story I wanted to just share more about myself and who I am and where I've been in this journey with God. Over the past several weeks, as I've waited for God to show me what piece of my story He wanted me to share tonight, I felt I should begin by just sharing with you snapshots of my life. Sometimes I feel like a spring ready to well over with pieces of my story. I’m a talker and a goofball and could blab on for hours, so bear with me. My heart is full of stories and moments from my own life when Gods redemptive power has taken my brokenness and released healing, strength and newness.

So let me dive in…I've lost my grandmother to cancer-watched her wilt under chemo and radiation therapy and watched my father emotionally die, as she was physically dying. I've dealt with relational brokenness and betrayal and badgering from people who I thought were friends and even family. I think as a group of women (in particular), that many of you can probably relate to that feeling. I've felt the pain of losing a church family when my parents left the church I had grown up in, during my youth years. I've felt the ache of loneliness through that time of church searching. I've felt the weight of sins that I was so entangled in. And, I've been in the place of begging God to free me and just wondered if I would ever be able to overcome. I've felt the agony of loss when we lost our second daughter Joeli, before her birth. Her heart stopped beating for unknown reasons and she died before birth. And then the unbearable pain of delivering her lifeless body. I've walked through the deep emotional pain of almost losing my marriage to both my husbands, as well as my own, poor choices. They say that losing a baby is one of the biggest contributors to divorce. And to throw a little humor into this, boy am I glad our marriage survived because my husband, he's hot ;) :) I had to reel him back in like nope you're stayin' ;) :) I've dealt with lifelong fears and anxiety and been literally paralyzed in moments wondering how I would ever survive like this. Like the many times I've tried to sing here at LCBC and felt inadequate, incapable and not knowledgeable or trained enough to do what I know deep down God has called and is equipping me to do. Over the years I have come to believe that what the enemy wants to steal from me is exactly what God has gifted me in. And if He has gifted me, I also have to trust that He will likewise equip me. 
Moving on, I've also battled times of being in so much chronic physical pain I've wanted to crawl out of my own skin from endometriosis and infections that plagued me for years. I also have a fibroid (non-cancerous tumor) in my uterus at a place where Dr.'s originally thought would be a problem for me with fertility. It was causing so much pain they talked about surgery to remove it because of my pain. In all of that, after being told I may never have children and feeling that tremendous sense of loss I've also conversely felt the tremendous joy of being so undeservedly blessed with not only one-but four living miracles. God is good and He gives us the desires of our hearts, yet our journey can be so painful. I've also felt the unbelievable burden of having a brother and several cousins who are dealing with drug and other addictions. On this same side of my family we also lost my one cousin two years ago to a car accident, as he battled addiction. And I've begged God to heal and free them, so that we don't have to suffer any more loss as a family. I've seen them literally on the brink of death. And it is hard and painful and at times feels so unbearable. At times, each snapshot of my story has left me feeling broken and like a grasshopper among giants. 
So for me, I've been there-been the grasshopper-so many times in my life. 1st Peter 4:1-2 says, "So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin.[a] 2 You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God." So, I believe that though we may be broken we will  be pieced together through His glorious plan. I love how 2 Corinthians talks about this concept too in chapter 4 verses 7-12 it says, “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] (insert my thoughts... YOU contain GREAT treasure, though you are but a fragile clay jar.) This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.” 
So God, He's been piecing together my broken story from the start. This broken mess, this is me in a snapshot. I want you to hear me out and notice something. Notice how many times I just shared about "I". Every piece of my story I just shared was I... I... I. But what I had to see in ALL of this is that it is not about me! These stories are all about HIM and how He is shaping me for His glory and pointing my heart and my eyes toward Himself--the ONE who is able! The One who is my rescue, my redemption, my restoration!

So back to one of the most recent broken pieces of my story… This deals with my dad’s own father, who essentially upon his death disowned my dad and our family. We can only guess what his purpose was in excluding only myself and my siblings out of all 15-plus cousins from his will. He also chose to overlook my dad in his funeral services in ways like not having him receive the American flag. And since he was buried as a service man this honor typically goes to the eldest or eldest son, but instead, he put that honor on my youngest uncle. In all this, and feeling ostracized as a family being the only believers outside of the Catholic Church on my father’s side of the family (my Grandparents, though my Grandfather did not really practice this religion, did talk with my father about not marrying my mother and leaving the catholic church)... I know my mom felt very unaccepted by them and I know my father struggles with how they treated him and my mom even before their passing. But, I was left this past fall feeling so deeply wounded and full of questions. Questions I knew I would never get the answers to. It left me feeling so angry and hurt-first for my father, next for myself and my siblings. Not only in his death and this final act of abandonment did he break our hearts and leave me feeling like an outsider to him, but he also left me questioning what my dad did and what I did to be so unlovable or unworthy to even be excluded… It wasn’t even the money that bothered me, because I also knew there was not much to received, but I just longed to even have mention of my name as a legitimate granddaughter. So, for anyone reading this feeling like they are excluded or unworthy or unlovable-like a grasshopper amidst giants…dealing with hurts and abandonment, mountains that seem impassible... This is the vision God spoke to my heart in the first month after his loss and in the midst of all my deep hurting... God showed me two umbrellas and a rain storm... He showed me that I was under the one umbrella and what was raining down was actually blessings. In this dream and vision I felt such feelings of being left out and like I wanted so bad to be under the other umbrella. I felt left out of my grandfather’s blessings. But God showed me that I was not meant to be and should not long to be "under his umbrella" of blessings but instead, I should rejoice in knowing I am under "Gods umbrella of blessing". God showed me that my grandfather’s showers were from the overflow of his heart and would have been what he reaped from gambling, drinking, anger, etc. but HIS umbrella and showers are protection and goodness and blessings of joy and peace and love! I am adopted into His family and into His will! My deepest longings are met in Christ alone. Nothing else will satisfy. So tonight, as I conclude sharing a piece of my heart and story with you I want to leave you with this question… Who and what are you longing for? If it is not eternal it is not worth your desire and it will not satisfy. Let Him shower you under His umbrella of blessings!! Do not allow false, fading and faltering feelings of being a grasshopper amidst the giants you are personally facing, to hold you back from experiencing the fullness God has for you on the other side of those mountains! Maybe your mountains look different than mine. But maybe not. Maybe they are guilt, maybe past hurts, maybe questions that can never be answered on earth, maybe betrayal, maybe bitterness, maybe self-doubt, personal feelings of inadequacy or inability or fear or maybe something completely out of your control. God is your rescue! Thanks for letting me share my heart! May God bless you each and empower you to do His good works!

In The Pool, In A Storm

Have you ever been in a pool during a storm? I have! And I've been the one not wanting to get out despite the impending danger!! How big is God to us? Something we've been asking ourselves at church recently is, "Is God big enough?" 

So many times our ways seem good to us. But will we have faith enough to trust the One who's got the full picture when we can only see things from our limited perspectives? 

2 TIMOTHY 4:2&3 Herald and preach the Word! Keep your sense of urgency [stand by, be at hand and ready], whether the opportunity seems to be favorable or unfavorable. [Whether it is convenient or inconvenient, whether it is welcome or unwelcome, you as preacher of the Word are to show people in what way their lives are wrong.] And convince them, rebuking and correcting, warning and urging and encouraging them, being unflagging and inexhaustible in patience and teaching. (Sidenote: This is a particular truth for those within the family of believers) 

3 For the time is coming when [people] will not tolerate (endure) sound and wholesome instruction, but, having ears itching [for something pleasing and gratifying], they will gather to themselves one teacher after another to a considerable number, chosen to satisfy their own liking and to foster the errors they hold,

Who wants to be told in which ways they may be straying from the path God has laid out? I've been there many times and I know how uncomfortable and painful it can be to know you've got some big pruning to do. It is not a good feeling to be corrected or to have to choose to course correct. But like a Good Father who sees his child swimming as a storm approaches, sometimes God calls us out of something good and fun and comfortable into something even more good-something safe. His perspective is bigger than ours-but something I am asking myself is...do I have faith enough to trust Him and what His word says? We have limited perspective and in our vision it doesn't add up sometimes... But will we trust how Big God is? And finally, I leave you with this question, what pool are you swimming in that you simply need to trust the Father and remove yourself from? Despite how fun, how comfortable, or how happy you are... His perspective is calling you out of the water into safety! Don't neglect His voice until you are deaf to it. 

A prayer: 

God today it is not welcomed or convenient to speak the truth of your word. But would you give your children eyes to see and not allow us to be blinded. You warn us not to have itching ears and you warn that in the end even the elect may be tricked if this were possible so we must guard ourselves from false doctrine and teaching. May I not hold unswervingly to the ways of my wayward heart (be it selfishness, be it anger, be it pride, be it greed or envy) but instead be willing to hold unswervingly to your truth. May the truth of your word change me. May I be willing to even surrender my comfort if it means I am following your ways. May I trust your bigger perspective and lean less into what satisfies my own desires. Call me out and give me courage and strength and faith to leave the pool. 

Ps I must credit my amazing and visionary momma for the vision of how our Father responds in impending storms. 

Poor Reflections

                                      
I am crying out to God for vision. I am begging Him for sight. Into His presence I run, longing for more, for fullness, for understanding, for answers, for guidance, for light, for hope and for peace. Into His faithful, steadfast, strong arms I press. I lean in close, so if possible to gain insight, to be held close in uncertainty.

I long for His voice, I long to see Him fully, even as I am seen. To know Him fully, even as I am fully known.

I press in.

I hunger and thirst and yearn and pant and long for the fullness. For light that has no hint of darkness. For peace that never ends. For joy unspeakable. For faith unstoppable. For questions blown so far off by the powerful breath of His mighty truth.

1 Corinthians 13:12New Living Translation (NLT)

¹² Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.^[a] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.