My husband Sean and I have been blessed to be attending LCBC for about ten years now. I have been blessed with four amazing kids. I've also been blessed to lead worship vocally for several years now. Yet often times in this blessing I struggle with anxiety and fear, I'll dive more into that later. So, Jo's story really reminded me of my dad’s story with that desire for an earthly father relationship. But before I dive into that piece of my story I wanted to just share more about myself and who I am and where I've been in this journey with God. Over the past several weeks, as I've waited for God to show me what piece of my story He wanted me to share tonight, I felt I should begin by just sharing with you snapshots of my life. Sometimes I feel like a spring ready to well over with pieces of my story. I’m a talker and a goofball and could blab on for hours, so bear with me. My heart is full of stories and moments from my own life when Gods redemptive power has taken my brokenness and released healing, strength and newness.
So let me dive in…I've lost my grandmother to cancer-watched her wilt under chemo and radiation therapy and watched my father emotionally die, as she was physically dying. I've dealt with relational brokenness and betrayal and badgering from people who I thought were friends and even family. I think as a group of women (in particular), that many of you can probably relate to that feeling. I've felt the pain of losing a church family when my parents left the church I had grown up in, during my youth years. I've felt the ache of loneliness through that time of church searching. I've felt the weight of sins that I was so entangled in. And, I've been in the place of begging God to free me and just wondered if I would ever be able to overcome. I've felt the agony of loss when we lost our second daughter Joeli, before her birth. Her heart stopped beating for unknown reasons and she died before birth. And then the unbearable pain of delivering her lifeless body. I've walked through the deep emotional pain of almost losing my marriage to both my husbands, as well as my own, poor choices. They say that losing a baby is one of the biggest contributors to divorce. And to throw a little humor into this, boy am I glad our marriage survived because my husband, he's hot ;) :) I had to reel him back in like nope you're stayin' ;) :) I've dealt with lifelong fears and anxiety and been literally paralyzed in moments wondering how I would ever survive like this. Like the many times I've tried to sing here at LCBC and felt inadequate, incapable and not knowledgeable or trained enough to do what I know deep down God has called and is equipping me to do. Over the years I have come to believe that what the enemy wants to steal from me is exactly what God has gifted me in. And if He has gifted me, I also have to trust that He will likewise equip me.
Moving on, I've also battled times of being in so much chronic physical pain I've wanted to crawl out of my own skin from endometriosis and infections that plagued me for years. I also have a fibroid (non-cancerous tumor) in my uterus at a place where Dr.'s originally thought would be a problem for me with fertility. It was causing so much pain they talked about surgery to remove it because of my pain. In all of that, after being told I may never have children and feeling that tremendous sense of loss I've also conversely felt the tremendous joy of being so undeservedly blessed with not only one-but four living miracles. God is good and He gives us the desires of our hearts, yet our journey can be so painful. I've also felt the unbelievable burden of having a brother and several cousins who are dealing with drug and other addictions. On this same side of my family we also lost my one cousin two years ago to a car accident, as he battled addiction. And I've begged God to heal and free them, so that we don't have to suffer any more loss as a family. I've seen them literally on the brink of death. And it is hard and painful and at times feels so unbearable. At times, each snapshot of my story has left me feeling broken and like a grasshopper among giants.
So for me, I've been there-been the grasshopper-so many times in my life. 1st Peter 4:1-2 says, "So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin.[a] 2 You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God." So, I believe that though we may be broken we will be pieced together through His glorious plan. I love how 2 Corinthians talks about this concept too in chapter 4 verses 7-12 it says, “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] (insert my thoughts... YOU contain GREAT treasure, though you are but a fragile clay jar.) This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.”
So God, He's been piecing together my broken story from the start. This broken mess, this is me in a snapshot. I want you to hear me out and notice something. Notice how many times I just shared about "I". Every piece of my story I just shared was I... I... I. But what I had to see in ALL of this is that it is not about me! These stories are all about HIM and how He is shaping me for His glory and pointing my heart and my eyes toward Himself--the ONE who is able! The One who is my rescue, my redemption, my restoration!
Moving on, I've also battled times of being in so much chronic physical pain I've wanted to crawl out of my own skin from endometriosis and infections that plagued me for years. I also have a fibroid (non-cancerous tumor) in my uterus at a place where Dr.'s originally thought would be a problem for me with fertility. It was causing so much pain they talked about surgery to remove it because of my pain. In all of that, after being told I may never have children and feeling that tremendous sense of loss I've also conversely felt the tremendous joy of being so undeservedly blessed with not only one-but four living miracles. God is good and He gives us the desires of our hearts, yet our journey can be so painful. I've also felt the unbelievable burden of having a brother and several cousins who are dealing with drug and other addictions. On this same side of my family we also lost my one cousin two years ago to a car accident, as he battled addiction. And I've begged God to heal and free them, so that we don't have to suffer any more loss as a family. I've seen them literally on the brink of death. And it is hard and painful and at times feels so unbearable. At times, each snapshot of my story has left me feeling broken and like a grasshopper among giants.
So for me, I've been there-been the grasshopper-so many times in my life. 1st Peter 4:1-2 says, "So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin.[a] 2 You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God." So, I believe that though we may be broken we will be pieced together through His glorious plan. I love how 2 Corinthians talks about this concept too in chapter 4 verses 7-12 it says, “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] (insert my thoughts... YOU contain GREAT treasure, though you are but a fragile clay jar.) This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.”
So God, He's been piecing together my broken story from the start. This broken mess, this is me in a snapshot. I want you to hear me out and notice something. Notice how many times I just shared about "I". Every piece of my story I just shared was I... I... I. But what I had to see in ALL of this is that it is not about me! These stories are all about HIM and how He is shaping me for His glory and pointing my heart and my eyes toward Himself--the ONE who is able! The One who is my rescue, my redemption, my restoration!
So back to one of the most recent broken pieces of my story… This deals with my dad’s own father, who essentially upon his death disowned my dad and our family. We can only guess what his purpose was in excluding only myself and my siblings out of all 15-plus cousins from his will. He also chose to overlook my dad in his funeral services in ways like not having him receive the American flag. And since he was buried as a service man this honor typically goes to the eldest or eldest son, but instead, he put that honor on my youngest uncle. In all this, and feeling ostracized as a family being the only believers outside of the Catholic Church on my father’s side of the family (my Grandparents, though my Grandfather did not really practice this religion, did talk with my father about not marrying my mother and leaving the catholic church)... I know my mom felt very unaccepted by them and I know my father struggles with how they treated him and my mom even before their passing. But, I was left this past fall feeling so deeply wounded and full of questions. Questions I knew I would never get the answers to. It left me feeling so angry and hurt-first for my father, next for myself and my siblings. Not only in his death and this final act of abandonment did he break our hearts and leave me feeling like an outsider to him, but he also left me questioning what my dad did and what I did to be so unlovable or unworthy to even be excluded… It wasn’t even the money that bothered me, because I also knew there was not much to received, but I just longed to even have mention of my name as a legitimate granddaughter. So, for anyone reading this feeling like they are excluded or unworthy or unlovable-like a grasshopper amidst giants…dealing with hurts and abandonment, mountains that seem impassible... This is the vision God spoke to my heart in the first month after his loss and in the midst of all my deep hurting... God showed me two umbrellas and a rain storm... He showed me that I was under the one umbrella and what was raining down was actually blessings. In this dream and vision I felt such feelings of being left out and like I wanted so bad to be under the other umbrella. I felt left out of my grandfather’s blessings. But God showed me that I was not meant to be and should not long to be "under his umbrella" of blessings but instead, I should rejoice in knowing I am under "Gods umbrella of blessing". God showed me that my grandfather’s showers were from the overflow of his heart and would have been what he reaped from gambling, drinking, anger, etc. but HIS umbrella and showers are protection and goodness and blessings of joy and peace and love! I am adopted into His family and into His will! My deepest longings are met in Christ alone. Nothing else will satisfy. So tonight, as I conclude sharing a piece of my heart and story with you I want to leave you with this question… Who and what are you longing for? If it is not eternal it is not worth your desire and it will not satisfy. Let Him shower you under His umbrella of blessings!! Do not allow false, fading and faltering feelings of being a grasshopper amidst the giants you are personally facing, to hold you back from experiencing the fullness God has for you on the other side of those mountains! Maybe your mountains look different than mine. But maybe not. Maybe they are guilt, maybe past hurts, maybe questions that can never be answered on earth, maybe betrayal, maybe bitterness, maybe self-doubt, personal feelings of inadequacy or inability or fear or maybe something completely out of your control. God is your rescue! Thanks for letting me share my heart! May God bless you each and empower you to do His good works!
