There are never times I am more thankful for the husband I have been given then when it comes to times I am needing discernment and wisdom. Sean has a gift of both. He isn’t much for emotions, but he is great with wisdom to navigate them well and through the corrective lense of Gods truth! Always pointing me back to God and challenging my heart.
I’m so thankful for the godly leadership he consistently provides our home and family and my heart!
Taking time to reflect and share my heart tonight gave him the opportunity to help me navigate what I’m wrestling.
The question is, so the Bible says Job admitted the LORD gave and the LORD took away. But the Bible also says the enemy steals, kills and destroys. So who is it that takes away? The LORD? Or the enemy?
“Great question”, so said hubs.
Then he went on to talk me through the numerous times God did take away.
Hard to talk about, right?!
He took out entire armies, people who disregarded His law, men and women who dishonored His name and power. And yes, He even took David’s son, a child, because of his fathers sin.
So, God does take away.
The next question that led Sean to was, “So does He have the right to do that?”
Ultimately, the answer is yes. God is the Creator. He has the right.
Then Sean went into discussing our children and Joeli and how ultimately our kids are Gods, not ours. They are only being lent to us on “borrow”.
“This is why it’s so important to treat them well.” Sean said.
If our children and my niece and nephew and our families and all our possessions and blessings are ultimately His to do with as He sees fit, to accomplish His purposes in and through, we ought to love open palmed. Living lives surrendered to the will, the call, the purposes and plans of the Creator.
That is a really hard place to be, especially when it comes to things that are good and don’t seem to serve much of a “greater good” in losing... like a mother in laws health, who has great faith and is a giver and full of love and kindness... and like a nephew who had the opportunity for an entire life that could have been a living testimony of answered prayers and faith... and like my daughter who had her whole life taken before we could even raise her.
It’s hard.
But it is, they are ALL HIS.
I admit it with my heart God.
They’re all Yours. Help me walk open fisted even with the most precious blessings You’ve ever given me undeservedly. My Joeli. My nephew, Jason. My family and our future.
It’s all Yours.
♥️
Each day make a joyful noise in this backWORDZ world. Choose to live life moment by moment in the extravagant love of your Father.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Bless Us In Our Brokenness
Once again, God spoke to my heart in just the way I needed. He does see me and hear me and know me.
As a family we have been reading through Genesis for our nightly family devotion time. Last night happened to be chapter 29. The story of Jacob and Rachel... and Leah. Leah, feeling broken, barren and hurting, and in that broken state, God had compassion on her plight and blessed her.
In Jesus name, Amen.
My own words in the side notes were what struck me most...
When God speaks to our hearts using our own words to remind us of things He has already spoken to our hearts...
Have you ever been there?
God loves to bless us in our brokenness and barren state.
and,
God
Yes, God, is the One who gives life. But what about the taking?
“He gives and takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” some of the hardest lyrics to sing after we lost Joeli. Do I really believe that? Do I really want to sing that? I do believe He is the giver of life. But it’s much easier to believe the enemy is the taker of life. And that’s what I have come to believe through scripture that says it is the thief who came to steal, kill and destroy... but Job said the LORD gave and the LORD took away.
Job 1:20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
and naked I will depart.[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
So, is it the LORD or is it the enemy? I think I’m wrestling with this because I want it to be the enemy so that I can get really angry and blame him, rather than it be God and have to wrestle through my anger and figure it out between God and I.
2 Samuel 6:6 gives an example of Gods wrath, but what about my nephew, my daughter, babies? They have not incited the LORD to wrath! Why would we think God has taken them?
6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. 7 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.
8 Then David was angry because the Lord’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.[e]
9 David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, “How can the ark of the Lord ever come to me?”
DAVID WAS ANGRY!
It doesn’t specifically say he was angry AT the LORD, but it does say he was angry and scared enough to not want to take the ark to his house. So my assumption is he was angry at and scared of the LORD. The thing that’s quite amazing about David, and quite possibly why the LORD says he is a man after God’s own heart, is that even through things as traumatic and terrible as losing your friend at the hand of God Almighty, David still danced before the LORD, praised Him, obeyed Him, and was willing to make a spectacle of himself in doing so! And only just verses after being ANGRY!
So I wonder, how did David move from being angry at and scared of God, to being willling to obey and worship Him and even make a spectacle of himself in doing so?
David was open with God and sought after Him through every emotion, every up and down, every heartache and fear and all the unknowns. He sought God and he was determined to repent and keep seeking Him when necessary too.
God, I want to be like David. But I am angry. I am questioning why. I am hurting and broken. I will keep choosing to seek You in the hurt, I won’t turn away. I just wish I understood more. This is why I cried out to you after losing Joeli for even just
GLIMPSES
Of what You are doing! I think I need this again! My heart and flesh are weak. Yes, my spirit is willing, oh God. But why?! Why couldn’t Jason and Joeli be made well? I may never fully understand Your plans, I know that. But would you please give my heart even glimpses of what you are doing in this season of brokenness of also seeing my mother in law suffer so?! I need to know You are in this! Please keep reassuring me. I’m sorry I’m so weak and hurt right now. Please comfort my family and my heart and please send angels to protect my sweet little niece and grow her strong and healthy and that she could come home soon! Like the passage I read the night before I found out Jason had the LUTO condition, we are clinging to You and wrestling with You. I'm going to wrestle with you for the blessing. Leah did not have to wreslte. Do I need to? I feel like I am wrestling with You right now whether I need to or not. Help my mind to understand and accept what my heart already believes-that You are worthy of my praise and honor whether I understand if you took away or if the enemy takes... Do I have to understand every question I have in order to continue to follow You and believe You are worthy of my praise and of my heart?
No.
But I wish I did even if I never do, I will choose to keep praising you like the song says
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
Monday, July 9, 2018
It Is Spring, But I’m Back To Broken
I have not blogged since September. That seems rather fitting, since October began an on slot of difficulty and new level of busy for our family. I’ve decided for my own mental health it’s time to start blogging again. Writing helps me process the good, the bad, and the ugly.
In October my Mother in Law Lynn had a flare up of her chronic UTI’s from her condition called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism or MSA-P for short. Her condition is stealing every aspect of her life and though it is said people do not die from Parkinson’s, they die with it, it is said that people die from MSA. This illness is literally robbing her of every aspect of her life before it takes her life. Sometimes when I allow myself to go there I do get mad about that. It’s especially upsetting seeing the Lewy Body Dementia, another symptom of the MSA, rob her mind and presence from us. It’s hard to be so honest because believing in Christ and a hope for a future sometimes makes Christians feel like in order to be impactful or faith filled we have to somehow lose the humanity in ourselves and our grip on reality. We somehow feel like being Christian means we have to bypass grief and loss and move right into acceptance and “faith” and being okay with “our lot in life”.
IT’S A LIE.
Grieve spirit within me, grieve the loss and the heartache of watching my mother in law suffer debilitating pain, chronic infections, moments of helplessness and hopelessness and bitter heartache at all that’s being robbed from her and from us.
Grieve hard.
Grieve with hope, yes, but grieve nonetheless.
October through January saw us making a drive to E-town to help care for her and my Father-in-Law very often. I am so grateful for and proud of the way our whole family banded together through this difficult season. My brother and sister in law help so much to give insight, to be examples of sacrificing, to help literally and figuratively pick up Mom countless times. I don’t know how families get through these types of difficult long illnesses without the love and support of one another and of turning all our heartaches, questions, and prayers to God. Then brought countless hours of discussing how to figure out what comes next for our families. It was difficult decisions to be made. It was sacrifices and prayer. It was concerns and unknowns. And then when the decision was finally made to build an addition and take my In-Laws in, it was countless hours of builders, contractors, and loud noises invading our homeschool time. The journey has NOT been easy. Seeing how much my Mother in laws illness has impacted our whole family and especially taken a toll on my father in laws health too is so hard.
Before October, I was facing yet another one in an on slot of friendship heartaches. I poured my heart and soul out in prayer and belief and in the end it became clear that lies and deception were won over honesty and pursuit of following Gods Word. There is almost no heartache in life as bitter as pouring yourself out for someone only to have your love rejected and your promises broken and your words betrayed. Jesus knows betrayal. Especially friendship betrayal and heartaches. So I do keep leaning into that but it does not mend my broken heart, it simply gives me some relief knowing He knows the pain and journeys in it with me. He knows the brokenness of reaching out a helping hand only to have that hand slapped away in rejection. I have been wounded in some deep ways and God sees my struggles with feeling betrayed and let down and He is walking with me through it. He has given me glimpses of His hand at work in me through it. He has allowed people to speak into my brokenness and give me peace. He has allowed some healing and a Spring to begin in the area of betrayal and brokenness. He has been giving me this vision of Spring a new season He was entering me into.
The Spring began.
But almost as soon as it felt like the Spring season was beginning in my spiritual life, a brokenness has come in.
I’m reminded that with Spring comes the tilling. The soil of my soul is being broken and tilled up so that something can be planted. I don’t know exactly what it is yet, but I am believing God for the planting season to be upon me. Even as I write this, I feel God speaking to my heart confirming that the brokennnes is a tilling time, the Spring is not over spiritually for me yet... He is in process in me.
So God, what are you planting in this brokenness? I feel so weighed down right now by the heartache of praying and crying out to you for my nephew Jason’s healing and believing for it in faith and then losing him. It’s not how I wanted their story to be. Maybe that is selfish? Maybe it is not faith filled enough? Maybe it is not Christian and surrendered enough? But it is the truth of where my heart is at right now. I hate this. It’s not fair and I am angry. God can handle my anger. I know it’s not a healthy place to be and I need to work through it. I will. But for now, the soil of my soul is being tilled and it is a pretty altering, uprooting, shaken and stirred experience.
Broken.
It is Spring, but I’m back to broken.
I recently stumbled upon a blog about the 22 emotions of planting season. I feel like frustration, emotion number 5, along with its picture ((a boulder stuck between farming equipment tilling up the field)) was very much where I am. I’ve hit a rock. It has stalled up the process of tilling. My progress is halted. I feel stuck and lost. I feel hurt and broken. God knows all this. He is absolutely Sovereign over all. Doesn’t mean He is going to fix it all, but it does mean He knows and sees.
Gods Word is absolutely where I need to land right now. It offers me corrective lenses in the blinding tears in the time of brokenness.
I see the beauty in this season too. I’m trying to, anyway. As my sister in law said at Jason’s funeral, “Though we did not get the miracle we all had prayed for, God was working miracles all along this journey.”
There will be something of beauty and value growing because of the readiness of the soil of my soul. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and life abundant!”
Jeremiah 24:6 My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will returnto me with all their heart.
Lamentations 3:
For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.
So,
In October my Mother in Law Lynn had a flare up of her chronic UTI’s from her condition called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism or MSA-P for short. Her condition is stealing every aspect of her life and though it is said people do not die from Parkinson’s, they die with it, it is said that people die from MSA. This illness is literally robbing her of every aspect of her life before it takes her life. Sometimes when I allow myself to go there I do get mad about that. It’s especially upsetting seeing the Lewy Body Dementia, another symptom of the MSA, rob her mind and presence from us. It’s hard to be so honest because believing in Christ and a hope for a future sometimes makes Christians feel like in order to be impactful or faith filled we have to somehow lose the humanity in ourselves and our grip on reality. We somehow feel like being Christian means we have to bypass grief and loss and move right into acceptance and “faith” and being okay with “our lot in life”.
IT’S A LIE.
Grieve spirit within me, grieve the loss and the heartache of watching my mother in law suffer debilitating pain, chronic infections, moments of helplessness and hopelessness and bitter heartache at all that’s being robbed from her and from us.
Grieve hard.
Grieve with hope, yes, but grieve nonetheless.
October through January saw us making a drive to E-town to help care for her and my Father-in-Law very often. I am so grateful for and proud of the way our whole family banded together through this difficult season. My brother and sister in law help so much to give insight, to be examples of sacrificing, to help literally and figuratively pick up Mom countless times. I don’t know how families get through these types of difficult long illnesses without the love and support of one another and of turning all our heartaches, questions, and prayers to God. Then brought countless hours of discussing how to figure out what comes next for our families. It was difficult decisions to be made. It was sacrifices and prayer. It was concerns and unknowns. And then when the decision was finally made to build an addition and take my In-Laws in, it was countless hours of builders, contractors, and loud noises invading our homeschool time. The journey has NOT been easy. Seeing how much my Mother in laws illness has impacted our whole family and especially taken a toll on my father in laws health too is so hard.
Before October, I was facing yet another one in an on slot of friendship heartaches. I poured my heart and soul out in prayer and belief and in the end it became clear that lies and deception were won over honesty and pursuit of following Gods Word. There is almost no heartache in life as bitter as pouring yourself out for someone only to have your love rejected and your promises broken and your words betrayed. Jesus knows betrayal. Especially friendship betrayal and heartaches. So I do keep leaning into that but it does not mend my broken heart, it simply gives me some relief knowing He knows the pain and journeys in it with me. He knows the brokenness of reaching out a helping hand only to have that hand slapped away in rejection. I have been wounded in some deep ways and God sees my struggles with feeling betrayed and let down and He is walking with me through it. He has given me glimpses of His hand at work in me through it. He has allowed people to speak into my brokenness and give me peace. He has allowed some healing and a Spring to begin in the area of betrayal and brokenness. He has been giving me this vision of Spring a new season He was entering me into.
The Spring began.
But almost as soon as it felt like the Spring season was beginning in my spiritual life, a brokenness has come in.
I’m reminded that with Spring comes the tilling. The soil of my soul is being broken and tilled up so that something can be planted. I don’t know exactly what it is yet, but I am believing God for the planting season to be upon me. Even as I write this, I feel God speaking to my heart confirming that the brokennnes is a tilling time, the Spring is not over spiritually for me yet... He is in process in me.
So God, what are you planting in this brokenness? I feel so weighed down right now by the heartache of praying and crying out to you for my nephew Jason’s healing and believing for it in faith and then losing him. It’s not how I wanted their story to be. Maybe that is selfish? Maybe it is not faith filled enough? Maybe it is not Christian and surrendered enough? But it is the truth of where my heart is at right now. I hate this. It’s not fair and I am angry. God can handle my anger. I know it’s not a healthy place to be and I need to work through it. I will. But for now, the soil of my soul is being tilled and it is a pretty altering, uprooting, shaken and stirred experience.
Broken.
It is Spring, but I’m back to broken.
I recently stumbled upon a blog about the 22 emotions of planting season. I feel like frustration, emotion number 5, along with its picture ((a boulder stuck between farming equipment tilling up the field)) was very much where I am. I’ve hit a rock. It has stalled up the process of tilling. My progress is halted. I feel stuck and lost. I feel hurt and broken. God knows all this. He is absolutely Sovereign over all. Doesn’t mean He is going to fix it all, but it does mean He knows and sees.
Gods Word is absolutely where I need to land right now. It offers me corrective lenses in the blinding tears in the time of brokenness.
I see the beauty in this season too. I’m trying to, anyway. As my sister in law said at Jason’s funeral, “Though we did not get the miracle we all had prayed for, God was working miracles all along this journey.”
There will be something of beauty and value growing because of the readiness of the soil of my soul. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and life abundant!”
Jeremiah 24:6 My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will returnto me with all their heart.
Lamentations 3:
For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.
So,
Psalm 27:13 (NIV)
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
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