Barbs In The Eyes

So God has called me to be in a season of leaving... Or being left too... 

Numbers 33 and 34 

Today I read through these passages and I feel strongly like God is saying it is not just okay but it is absolutely necessary to free myself of destructive relationships. I am one who loves to learn and grow and be challenged in my thinking and my perceptions. So often I have used this as a reason for remaining in unhealthy and even unsafe (spiritually) relationships. However, God is showing me lately that it is not okay to allow people to challenge and alter my BELIEFS. He wants me to be steadfast and firm in my faith and in my knowledge and understanding of His Holy scriptures. And if someone is challenging HIM it is okay and even a MUST to actually make a clear path before myself, onto His ways. I do not have to be cruel or hateful toward someone opposed to Christ and His Holy Word, rather, I must PRAY like never before. So as I delete people from social media accounts who betray the gospel or who badger "fellow" believers I do so prayerfully, humbly and NOT vengefully or spitefully. 

"But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you live. And then I will do to you what I plan to do to them." 

God, give me wisdom to Guard the treasure of Your Word within my heart. If those who are challenging your Word and Your people are being led astray, please convict them in their hearts and pull them back into your fold... But if they have no true walk of faith with you yet Father open their eyes to the hurt and disunity they are causing within your body. In taking these steps in going back to the basics please shield me from the enemy's arrows and give me strength to walk with you even when I feel alone. Lead me in your ways and teach me more of You! Let me hunger and thirst for more of You and more of your ways! Help me see the error of my own ways and keep my sins ever before me that I may stay humble and wise and in awe of your grace! You are worthy of my praise and adoration and of my service. Let me serve you with joy in every little or big thing I do! In Jesus name, amen! 

So, as I sit here pondering what more God is saying I just wondered what is a barb exactly... So I looked it up and it is described as something meant to hook in an opposing manner and make removal difficult... To me, the deeper meaning of this passage is also that since He mentions it will affect the EYES that we must be so careful how we are seeing things and be very certain the enemy has not blinded us in the way we are viewing certain things... Because once we allow certain harmful or dangerous ways into our lives and hearts it becomes cloudy to see and difficult to remove these troubled ways... I will be asking God if there is anything hindering my vision and my perceptions keeping me from seeing things His way! God, remove any barbs from my eyes and help me see clearly again in Jesus name I ask! Amen!! 

Back to the basics

I hear God saying He is going to take me back to the basics.

Life can become so clouded and crowded. God wants my heart back to the basics.

HIS WORD! His purpose and pull in my life.

As the world seems to spin more and more out of control, I find myself pulled in many directions particularly on social media. So many people, even ones I love and respected, now posting things I can hardly believe-leaving me so disheartened. Others, whom I love and respected also not posting anything in response to troubling times, leaving me also disheartened for their lack of involvement in a time when voices of love and wise truth are so desperately necessary. I find my heart aching in the absence of truth bringers, as well as in the absence of truth supporters. I find myself concerned by muddied messages littered with half truths or watered down convictions and guidance.

God, bring us into Your arms and REVIVE us! Let me, let us LIVE again! Take me back to the basics and keep my eyes upon You and keep my lips willing to speak your truth even when I am betrayed because I do/did so.  Keep my wandering heart upon Your path and keep my head bowed low in humble service of my King-my Savior-my Everything! Let me long for You, as the deer for the water.  Let me be strong enough to lead and humble enough to follow Your lead!

I don't want to be so distracted and side tracked anymore. So as I hear Him calling me back to the basics I want to listen. It may take me some time to figure out exactly what this looks like for me, but one thing I know it surely means is limiting social media and going back to just Facebook. Facebook is enough. And even on Facebook there are so many people, even people who claim to follow Christ, who then oppose His Word and Truth and demean and petition against their supposedly fellow Christ-followers. Calling them "evangels" or "evangelicals" all the while touting their own new gospel of self.

I have done a lot of soul searching recently. We took time as a church to study Proverbs and through April our family had gone through the Proverbs Ditties again too. I was reminded of the importance of sifting out those in my life who are bad influences, who seek to serve the god of  "self" and who are filled with anger, who remain in bitterness despite time and love and prayer. These influences do impact us. Not just in person, but on social media as well. And over time, I find my heart hurting more than helping these ones. God is reminding me it is His job to do the saving and my job to do the praying and using His wisdom in the times and ways I allow them into my life. When I do things His way I can do it to His glory and their good without having to sacrifice my own mental, emotional and spiritual well-being because of it. God wants us to be good stewards of the Love and Light He has given us! He wants us to be able to be free to live in the Light of eternity and to bring forth difficult truths to a dying world. We are called to be SALT! Salt is not just willing, but ready and able and wanting to be difference makers, to bring about CHANGE, to speak to a world that needs to hear the "offensive and intolerant" truths of our day. Truth like, without Christ we are dead in our sins and we face an eternity in hell. Truths like, killing an unborn child in the name of self is truly selfish and sinful, not loving to the mother who then faces emotional angst nor the child facing death.  Truths like, without accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior we are lost. And the truth, that it is sinful and selfish to live for ourselves in sexual immorality, homosexuality, pornography, etc. rather than humbly work to God's glory to live holy and acceptable lives according to His law. This world needs to hear the truth that there is a better way! It is Gods way! It is not easy. We need each other! We need His laws, the easy ones and the hard ones to help guide our paths. We need those willing to surrender being "unliked" and unpopular in order to bring these difficult truths to a lost, hurting and dying world! People need to hear that they are missing out on something better when they give themselves over to their desires rather than giving themselves over to God and obeying His word! Jesus paid such a high price! He paid in His own BLOOD! A life fully surrendered and committed to honoring the call of God no matter the cost. This is our greatest example of LOVE! How can we allow our "Christian" brothers and sisters to go amiss and preach a gospel of self gratification and self indulgence and self love and self fulfillment and pride rather than the true gospel of an emptying of self and a self-refilled and refueled by the grace and truth of Jesus our good good Teacher! Jesus, Himself, knew it would require a cross. We are living amiss of the true gospel if we feel no weight of the gospel we bear... If we feel no pain from the truth that leads us to wear the scars of those who may mock, spit, abuse, and oppose us because of our service and speaking forth the good Laws of the God who gave it all for us to live! And if we bear no cross of our own, the laying down of our passions and desires that wage war against God's ways; as a Christ follower, there WILL be a weight to bear. So, I ask myself often and I wonder if you would ask yourself along with me, God, what cross am I bearing to follow YOU? Have I truly laid it all down to follow YOU? Or am I holding something back in my lips, in my hands, in my time, with my eyes, with my feet etc...

So, anyway, I find myself looking back to my original intent in entering social media. Originally I entered social media to actually keep up with my family when I moved away. When I began using social media I enjoyed using it to be open and share my life with others as well as to be supportive and lovingly walk alongside my family and friends in theirs. Social media became a very difficult place for me when I had difficult times. In so many ways I wanted to share more and speak freely exactly who I am and the triumphs and trials alike that I faced because I am a very open person...

But deep inside I still find myself longing for real face to face friendships and family relationships that truly breathe life into my spirit, accept me for who I am but spur me on toward love and good deeds and obedience to Christ no matter the cost! I don't find that on social media any longer. 

In times of weakness, social media can be more than a distraction, it can easily become a temptation as well as lead me into sadness in various ways and I want to honor God with what I put into my mind and who I choose to spend my time interacting with. If nothing else, it is a place for boundaries to be put in place if honoring God is on our hearts! Honoring Him with our time, with our eyes, with our hands (which become our lips so to speak when it is online "typing") and our heart--what we set our affections and devotion upon.

This back to the basics call is not going to be easy. But I do think it is what He is calling me to.

When I cleaned out our garage the other day I found all kinds of old pictures. I wondered if God had anything to speak to my heart in that find. At the time, He did not. But as I sat with Him on it, I felt Him whispering that this was a prompting and He was calling me to "go back" not to that time or to re do or undo anything... But rather, to simplify. To walk humbly with my God. To be the real me, honest and filled with His Word and Light!

This led me to delete my YouVersion Bible APP too. In so many areas I feel Him calling me BACK to the BASICS. I am devoting myself to reading the physical Bible again. Highlighting, marking, paging through and paging through, making notes, seeing the story come together again as a WHOLE picture!

To go back, also, to leading my kids in love toward Jesus and His Word (the physical Bible) before and above anything else. It is so easy to feel like a failure with raising the kids and teaching them too. But, God is reminding me that He is in the simple things... Like a silly song, a happy hug, a walk across the way, and time to stop and really SEE His creation! He reminded me of this especially last week when the kids and I spent some time in the PA Grand Canyon. I did not even purpose to not take a single photograph while we were away... But it happened that way anyway. I did not take my phone with me most places because we barely have any reception up there. So, it was amazing to me how I feel like I can really remember details more because I did not make the time to photograph every image that blessed my heart or spoke to my heart. I simply let it speak to me in that moment and I cherished my times more. I listened to the sound of the birds instead of trying to meticulously capture them on camera and then creatively post about what I experienced. And I spied the most unbelievably unique assortment of mushrooms during our long lovely hikes and I can vividly picture in my mind the details of each kind. But I have not a single picture to show for it! That actually feels so immensely good! In so many ways!

I long for God to take me back to the basics! In my ways of being a wife. In the way I mother. In the way I live as a daughter and sister and friend. And in the way I choose to serve Him and His body.

Whatever this may lead to, and however it may look over the long haul, I'm not exactly sure. But what I do know is that He has been leading me in this way for quite sometime now and I have just been unsure of exactly what He was trying to say until now.

So, with that in mind, I am deleting many off of my social media accounts who have been a negative influence, who I don't know well, and who speak against the Church and God's Word. I am also getting rid of my Instagram followers and who I follow so that I will not be on Instagram any longer. I love love love pictures so I don't want to delete my account and lose those, but I will no longer be using my account. I have already deleted my Twitter account as that was just a distraction and often brought disgusting follower requests which were just a source of frustration and added sadness to my heart. I wanted to let anyone interested in knowing my reasoning behind me ending many accounts and lessening my "friends" list, this is why. I want to honor God with my heart, with my mind, with my eyes, with my hands and my lips. I want to be back to the basics with Him and to be free to follow after Him with all my heart soul mind and strength without all the negativity, lies, anger and bitterness from those who are not on the same path. This has been so difficult for me because I am really an open and social person, but I do feel it is what He wants for me to really draw in to Him... Hopefully this will in turn leave me more filled with peace and His strength and truth, able to pour HIM out onto others when He brings me opportunities.

Back to the basics,
God keep showing me what this looks like to journey with YOU back to the basics. To spend more time with YOU and in Your Word of Truth than with any device or app or link. Lead me! I am longing for more and more and more of YOU! Nothing else satisfies me the way you and your Word do! I long for more depth in you! I long to find YOU in Your Word! I long to know you more! I long to be your mouthpiece and know you so well that I can be a truth bringer in a world so lost and hopeless and hurting. I want to spur my children on to deeper knowledge of you. I want them to crave Your Word! I want my husband to be blessed by the wife I am. I want to honor him as I honor you. I want my friends to see the Light in my life and know it comes from YOU! I want to walk like Jesus did, not sacrificing truth for grace or grace for truth either but living in the uncomfortable place of walking in both equally--fully surrendered and humbly serving YOU alone God! In Jesus Mighty Name, amen!

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

My Media-Fast Month and Some Random Heart Lessons

Over the past month I had taken time away from social media for a season of surrender and quiet through Lent. It was, to be honest, super difficult and strange for the first few days. I had these urges to go check my social media sites "just to check in". It was a habit, and it felt strange not following through on those compulsions. But, after the first several days it truly became refreshing. Refreshing because I wasn't allowing those feelings to cause guilt, if I hadn't checked in that day. Refreshing because I had no feeling of "missing out" anymore. I felt like my time was more wisely spent during this past month. I even spent less time responding to emails, texts, messages and Voxers. Because of this, I was able to focus more on my children, my hubby, and the things that they needed from me in the quiet moments, because I wasn't filling the quiet moments with scrolling through a news feed or our pictures or making sure I had replied to the various emails, texts, Voxes and messages I'd gotten.

Ironically, the following couple weeks of my social media fast were spent transcribing a Doctoral thesis for someone who interviewed students from the OneLife program at LBC. OneLife is a program that enforces a media-less policy at LBC. Students give up cell phones, computers, they give up social media during the 9 month program and they give up Internet occasionally, as well. As I transcribed these interviews, I was struck by the common thread that I too was finding, that God, my relationship with Him and my ability to hear Him and see the beauty of His creation were being put secondary. I was too distracted by social media and the time and energy it consumes to just be present and find joy and life in the moment. I was struck also by the realization these students had come to, that their identity was being shaped and formed by the false realities these interfaces set up, rather than by simply living life.

I found myself again. I found myself in God's view again. And I found who I believe He has created and called me to be once again. Not that I had lost those altogether, but it had definitely become increasingly difficult to function from that place confidently and without apology. In part too because of the conflict social media often brought into my life. I had a lot of time for God to remind my heart of, not just the things I believe and the values and truths He has graciously poured into my heart, but the strength to unashamedly and unapologetically share them with humble strength and grace trusting Him who calls me to speak truth.

Sometimes it is hard to believe I will soon be entrusted with another child to raise. God has seen fit to bless me with children despite the various struggles along the way between endometriosis, cysts, a tumor, pain, and loss. There are so many times, as a social person, that I feel lonely for more and deeper connection. But, God showed me through this past month that these children are who He has given me so much time with day to day and they need me desperately to be present with them. I need His help so desperately to be a patient, loving and wise mom. I feel like so often I am short and overwhelmed and uncertain I have all it takes to homeschool-well, housekeep-well, wife-well, and be a good sister, daughter and friend too, and to find ways to serve God and the church well too. Sometimes I forget the value of investing my time and energy into building and shaping my children. But, the reality is that in the end, they become an extension of my love and efforts and shaping. It will be as if my hands can extend 5-fold out into this world, if I can just keep that viewpoint and remember that my time is well spent to pour all of the best of myself into their little hearts and lives.

Throughout this past month there was a real struggle physically for me. My health has been a battle since January I have had chronic sinus infections. First, a 5 week long one, which I avoided meds for; hence the 5 weeks of chronic coughing due to nasal drip, which then caused constant laryngitis. I had one glorious week of health and healing when I was able to do something so fulfilling for me in recording two new songs, which I can't wait to share with you all soon hopefully! But, after that, I came down with a fever and another kind of sinus infection that brought along with it THE WORST head/face-ache and ear aches of my life, with such horrendous pressure in my face and head. I've had this one now for several weeks and I finally relented and went on medication to try to help me find healing. Even with the meds though I was so sick and congested last week. My sweet hubby had made me a hot mug of water to sit over and let the steam try to loosen up my congestion. But, the kids started fighting over time on the iPad, so I said go set the timer for 10 minutes for each of  you to have a turn. They didn't know how, so I said okay I'll just set the one on my phone and as I went to reach for it, the mug slipped from my other hand and spilled all down my chest. It gave me the worst burns I've ever had in my life. 2nd degree burns. It hurt SO BAD! The irony was, I was finally able to breath through my nostrils. For about 10-15 minutes my sinuses cleared and I felt like the little girl who fell down headfirst into the tree and found her miraculous healing. Sadly, the cleared sinuses clogged right back up just after that, and I had 2nd degree burns to show for it. *insert sad crying face* There were many times during this past month that I felt like I was under attack physically. And yet, in it all, God was still doing some major things in my heart and spirit. Now that I look at it from the spiritual perspective I can see the battle was raging over my heart and mind and spirit. I shed many, many, many, tears this past month. Some for real reasons, but many just out of emotionally and physically just feeling so out of it. I felt like anything could make me cry. (And just honestly, I cry easily so that probably hasn't and won't change too much) But, finding some relief physically, has given me the ability to find some strength and feel a little more leveled out again.

The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth

The whole truth and nothing but the truth

It was a Monday. Library day. I usually give the kids a book limit when we go, to avoid coming home with one hundred books. Okay, let me be honest (since this blog is supposed to be about honesty in the first place😜), it's actually to avoid the twenty dollar fine when I forget to return their books on time. Ha! Anyway, that day I gave them a 4 book limit. The kids did their usual search and eventually one of them came asking for a one book increase. When you have multiple children you have to be "fair". Equality takes on a whole new meaning in a large family. When I meal prep, all plates are created equal. When I get juice cups ready in the morning, all juice cups are filled to the exact mark on the exact same cups with the exact same precision. When I buy one a candy they happen to eye at the grocery check out, the other is given a chance to buy their favorite candy too. Just to keep things equal. 

All that being said, the library book limit was readily increased to five books for all. You know, just to keep things "equal". 

Somehow, when I checked out the amount the librarian quoted seemed to be quite larger than I'd anticipated. I knew we had some books at home missing from the count yet that had to be renewed again. That threw the count off. But, I was still left wondering how our count was so high. 

When we got home I tried to, yet again, equally divvy out the books so that each child had to keep track of exact amounts. When I asked the kids to count their books so that I could hand out a few extra to each child to keep track of, one child in particular was looking at me strangely when I asked how many books they had. 

At first I did not think much of it. But as I continued to question my little one about how many books they had, the evasiveness and questions I got in return caused me to begin wondering what was going on. Eventually I realized there was deception going on. Initially, my heart sank. I thought to myself, why... Why even after I increased the amount did they feel they had to hide more from me? Why did they not just ask me for another extra? Why hide it? 

I thought about the small-ness of this infraction. The fact that I could have just brushed it off completely. (Thus giving my mommy hat a toss to the shelf for one of the day's teachable moments and therefore giving me five extra minutes to simply sit and "just be" after the library excursion). The fact that I could have scolded this child but then left things as they were. 

But, I realized in that moment it was a teachable moment. They chose to lie. They chose to deceive and be sneaky. This was a small and seemingly insignificant blip... But it is in those moments that we can make a big impact on our children's future choices if we choose to spend the time and invest in teaching and instilling wisdom into their hearts. 

So, I sent them on to a quiet time of reflection on their choice, while I prayed. 

I asked for God to help me know how to best handle the situation. I asked for His wisdom to help them learn a valuable life lesson from this decision. And I asked for Him to speak into this young heart. 

Then I called my little one back out to the living room. We discussed the decision they'd made, how it made me feel having been deceived and disobeyed. We discussed how it made them feel. We discussed how the situation could have been handled differently. And ultimately, we discussed how these small choices to lie, to hide things and to deceive can play into bigger decision making in the future. We talked about how library books are small things, but big decisions we have to make as adults can have much bigger ramifications and we discussed how a lie, deception or a hidden truth can often grow that difficulty and pain NOT lessen it. It's always best to go about things in an honest and forthright way. Teaching this valuable life lesson now is going to be so much better now than when it involves boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses or jobs or money or financial issues later on in life. 

Satan is called many times throughout scripture as the father of lies. I want my children to know that a lie is never what God wants and what pleases Him. It is always something the enemy is behind and trying to pull us into the tangled webs it can create. Truth is always Gods way, even when the truth is so difficult to speak or to live out, it is always the right thing. I want my kids to have the strength and wisdom to know that being honest will always be worth the surrender and humility it may take. Being honest can lead to restoration, healing and hope. Dishonesty and lies only lead to destruction, pain, mistrust and broadening difficulty. I want our children to know we will be parents who will always forgive and accept them in their honesty... That their lies or deception or sin may bring with it natural and sometimes given consequences for their actions or words, but that the payoff is the guilt-free conscience and knowing they are walking in truth. Truth brings freedom. 

My prayer for my friends and family is that we walk in this knowledge and make the difficult decisions we need to make to walk in the freedom of truth no matter how difficult the path to that may be. 

❤️🙏🏼