Embracing An Unhappy Christian Life

It's blaring everywhere like a big blinking Los Angelos billboard...

"Do whatever makes you happy!"

"Find what feels good"

"If it feels good, do it!"

Unfortunately, doing the right thing is not always what "feels good". In fact, more often, doing the right thing is what feels hard and scary and self-emptying. Doing the right thing is often unhappy, particucarly in the short term. Sometimes, well, almost every time, doing the right thing most often means thinking not about how I feel, but instead, about the well-being and best interest of others. Ironically, when we put others (Especially our spouse and our impressionable vulnerable children) first we can often see through an unskewed lense that we are actually making life better not just for those we love, but for us as well, when we choose to live selflessly instead of selfishly.

This relates to so SO many aspects of Christian living. But for now, lets focus in on one main point.

Marriage.

So, before we dive in, please ask for clarity on any points you wish. Know that I do not believe anyone should remain bound in abusive situations. Seek God first on His heart for your specific situation, then seek Godly counsel next.

Believe me when I say my own marriage has seen seasons of Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. We have seen many seasons of broken and many of fulfillment, seasons of richer (well, lets be honest, we really haven't seen many of those yet HA ha) and poor, seasons of appreciation and of defeat, seasons of love and cherish and ones of dishonor, seasons of sickness and seasons of health. Vows are no longer looked at as sacred. They are trivial. They are taken lightly, even in jest. Those we hold dear no longer hold us to our vows, instead they come alongside us and hold us to the standard of HAPPINESS.

I almost think, instead of the husband and wife needing to take vows at wedding ceremonies we need to start holding vows for our attendees. These sessions could be similar to the kind of weight a court of law would somberly bring to the sole witness on the day of their best friend's trial. The kind of weight that comes with that feeling of knowing you need to be willing and ready to SPEAK THE TRUTH no matter what.

No matter if it hurts your friend.

No matter if it will be hard.

No matter if they "like" it or you afterward or not.

But, along with the weight of our family and friends needing to SPEAK truth, is the weight of our hearts needing to be surrendered and submitted to RECIEVING that truth no matter if it hurts, is hard or if we like it or not. When the hard times in marriage come, we will NEED those truth bringers in our lives. The ones who are selflessly willing to risk their "friendship" with us and possibly wound us, our pride or our disrupt our path, in order to hopefully help redirect and guide us onto God's path for us.

Maybe a key component of marriage then, is the heart of reconciliation.

We will make mistakes, big and small, and we need one another to be able and desiring and embodying a heart of reconcilation that says, "Always and forever, no matter what"!

There will be many unhappy moments in a marriage, because there are also many unhappy moments in life. And, because we are all flawed human beings. But, if we choose to embrace Gods truth and God's character and choose to grow and develop it within our own hearts and seek to spur it and pray it on into our spouses life as well, we will see our love grow into something that truly truly makes us not only HAPPY, but HOLY as well! As our love and dedication to God, His Word and honoring the holy vows we took grows, so too will our love and dedication to our spouse and honoring our vows to God, them and before "these witnesses".

As Rick Warren says, "Marriage is NOT about our happiness, but about our HOLINESS!"

So, in conclusion, today, don't choose for yourself what makes you happy. It's temporary. It's fleeting. It won't be worth it. You WILL be sacrifcing something to gain something lesser. SPEAK TRUTH and encourage your own heart and your friends hearts to be seeking HOLINESS over happiness every single time! Embrace the short seasons of unhappy for the longterm gain of a choice well made. Embrace the "over the long haul", hard, right choices and do all it takes to work toward remaining faithful or reconciling to being faithful to your holy vows! Don't encourage your friends to do what makes them happy! Be willing to embrace an unhappy Christian life in the short term, for what treasures you can build, develop and mature in choosing to be true to your vows!

It's SO worth it!

Running backwards... a Word from God.

God asked me to share this word along with the action of physically running my race backwards. He showed me I was to run six minutes forward and two minutes backwards and alternate throughout the race. He said: 

There are many in the faith right now running their race in backwards ways. 

Disobedient

Selfish 

Slanderers

Selfish

Filled with hatred 

Homosexuality

Adultery

Lies

Filthy language

Lust

Hatred

Evil desires

Greed

Idolatry 

Envy

And malice 

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”

Galatians 5:19-21 NLT

http://bible.com/116/gal.5.19-21.nlt

He wants an athlete running the race so as to win the prize. With their eyes set on the prize and victory! Willing to endure scorn for the victory! 

“But you, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness.”

1 Timothy 6:11 NLT

http://bible.com/116/1ti.6.11.nlto

We cannot win a race running backwards. 

We are more vulnerable to injury running backwards. 

We are more vulnerable to face fear running backwards.

Our vision is hindered running backwards.

The passage God wants highlighted for the purpose of His Word in this is: 

“Attending him were mighty seraphim, each having six wings. With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they flew.

And he said, “Yes, go, and say to this people, ‘Listen carefully, but do not understand. Watch closely, but learn nothing.’”

Isaiah 6:2, 9 NLT

God said there will be many who hear this word and see this action but learn nothing and understand nothing. 

DON’T BE OF THE LATTER. See and learn, listen and receive! Our God is HOLY HOLY HOLY! This is what the seraphim are saying... this is what running the straight path, forward facing, eyes set on the prize, not looking to the right or to the left, this is what we are saying when we do this! We are declaring with our hearts and with our feet and with our mind Holy Holy Holy! 

This is a matter of the HEART! 

“And the Spirit of the Lord will rest on him— the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.”

Isaiah 11:2 NLT

http://bible.com/116/isa.11.2.nlt

“He will delight in obeying the Lord. He will not judge by appearance nor make a decision based on hearsay.”

Isaiah 11:3 NLT

http://bible.com/116/isa.11.3.nlt

A prophecy of Jesus, our leader, our ultimate example. One who delights in obedience, One who has a Spirit of all wisdom, understanding, knowledge and fear of the Lord, right decision making and judging. 

Under the influence of this Spirt we will reproduce His fruit...

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

http://bible.com/116/gal.5.22-23.nlt

Rather than fruit coming from our flesh and running our own race our own wayward and backward ways... 

“You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?”

Galatians 5:7 NLT

http://bible.com/116/gal.5.7.nlt

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”

Galatians 5:19-21 NLT

http://bible.com/116/gal.5.19-21.nlt

Run your race so as to win the prize! 

God, I give this race to You. I will run this race to glorify You and fulfil the call of the Word you have placed upon my heart. You are filled with unending love for your children. Like a loving shepherd you tenderly care for your sheep. We all like sheep have gone astray, but like the tender happy father of the prodigal, how you welcome us back with joy and celebration! You are longing for our embrace! Help us run to You! And run in your path! Protected! Filled! Fueled! Give your people passion for you and pursuit of you! In Jesus name! Amen!  

You may have louder cheers running backwards but that’s doesn’t make it easier or right... even short sidetracks running backwards take from the forward race, the energy and strength is robbed when you’ve spent any time at all running backwards. It feels very lonely running the race backwards. 

God is breaking my heart so many are running this race backwards 

So many are running this way missing out seeing unclear. 

His LOVE, like gravity, has got to be what pulls hearts and turns hearts back around! His GREAT LOVE! 

“How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.”

Psalms 31:19 NLT

http://bible.com/116/psa.31.19.nlt

“See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.”

1 John 3:1 NASB

http://bible.com/100/1jn.3.1.nasb

The Lord is calling and has called us from a wayward path not out of punishment but out of LOVE! He is saying CHILD COME HOME! 

“For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.”

Proverbs 3:12 NASB

http://bible.com/100/pro.3.12.nasb

We need that spiritual force like gravity pulling us in like the prodigal son’s fathers embrace! 

“So Jesus told them this story: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’”

Luke 15:3-6 NLT

http://bible.com/116/luk.15.3-6.nlt

“I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’ “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’””

Luke 15:18-20, 32 NLT

http://bible.com/116/luk.15.18-20,32.nlt

God the Father is saying, “It is not too late! You are not too far gone! CHILD COME HOME!” 

Paul

Today I am reminded of Paul. A man who, in the worlds eyes was a murderer, scary and zealous. Yet, this very man, a sinner, was SOUGHT by God and APPROACHED by JESUS!

We could ask WHY? What on earth did Paul “do” to deserve a visitation from Jesus Himself and forgiveness for His heinous crimes against followers of Christ? He “did” nothing to deserve this great  honor. He simply was pursued by Gods love and will.

God has pursued me, as He did Paul. In my sin, in my zeal apart from Him He shows me grace and leads me into service to and surrender to Him and His call. There is no life outside of serving Christ. Paul understood this.

What a blessing to be reminded today of the truth that a man, so far from God, was sought out and literally approached by JESUS! The reminder that our God is worth surrendering it all for! Our God is in the business of seeking us out, even when we are, in mans eyes, far from Him...

God, draw my heart closer still to You! I want to know You more! I want to be sought by You! I want to have intimate encounters with Jesus! Pursue me! Seek me! Let me be surrendered to Your service! In Jesus name, amen!

It’s All Whose?

There are never times I am more thankful for the husband I have been given then when it comes to times I am needing discernment and wisdom. Sean has a gift of both. He isn’t much for emotions, but he is great with wisdom to navigate them well and through the corrective lense of Gods truth! Always pointing me back to God and challenging my heart.

I’m so thankful for the godly leadership he consistently provides our home and family and my heart!

Taking time to reflect and share my heart tonight gave him the opportunity to help me navigate what I’m wrestling.

The question is, so the Bible says Job admitted the LORD gave and the LORD took away. But the Bible also says the enemy steals, kills and destroys. So who is it that takes away? The LORD? Or the enemy?

“Great question”, so said hubs.

Then he went on to talk me through the numerous times God did take away.

Hard to talk about, right?!

He took out entire armies, people who disregarded His law, men and women who dishonored His name and power. And yes, He even took David’s son, a child, because of his fathers sin.

So, God does take away.

The next question that led Sean to was, “So does He have the right to do that?”

Ultimately, the answer is yes. God is the Creator. He has the right.

Then Sean went into discussing our children and Joeli and how ultimately our kids are Gods, not ours. They are only being lent to us on “borrow”.

 “This is why it’s so important to treat them well.” Sean said.

If our children and my niece and nephew and our families and all our possessions and blessings are ultimately His to do with as He sees fit, to accomplish His purposes in and through, we ought to love open palmed. Living lives surrendered to the will, the call, the purposes and plans of the Creator.

That is a really hard place to be, especially when it comes to things that are good and don’t seem to serve much of a “greater good” in losing... like a mother in laws health, who has great faith and is a giver and full of love and kindness... and like a nephew who had the opportunity for an entire life that could have been a living testimony of answered prayers and faith... and like my daughter who had her whole life taken before we could even raise her.

It’s hard.

But it is, they are ALL HIS.

I admit it with my heart God.

They’re all Yours. Help me walk open fisted even with the most precious blessings You’ve ever given me undeservedly. My Joeli. My nephew, Jason. My family and our future.

It’s all Yours.

♥️

Bless Us In Our Brokenness

Once again, God spoke to my heart in just the way I needed. He does see me and hear me and know me.

As a family we have been reading through Genesis for our nightly family devotion time. Last night happened to be chapter 29. The story of Jacob and Rachel... and Leah. Leah, feeling broken, barren and hurting, and in that broken state, God had compassion on her plight and blessed her.

My own words in the side notes were what struck me most... 

When God speaks to our hearts using our own words to remind us of things He has already spoken to our hearts... 

Have you ever been there? 

God loves to bless us in our brokenness and barren state.  

and,

God

Yes, God, is the One who gives life. But what about the taking?

“He gives and takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” some of the hardest lyrics to sing after we lost Joeli. Do I really believe that? Do I really want to sing that? I do believe He is the giver of life. But it’s much easier to believe the enemy is the taker of life. And that’s what I have come to believe through scripture that says it is the thief who came to steal, kill and destroy... but Job said the LORD gave and the LORD took away. 

Job 1:20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

So, is it the LORD or is it the enemy? I think I’m wrestling with this because I want it to be the enemy so that I can get really angry and blame him, rather than it be God and have to wrestle through my anger and figure it out between God and I. 

2 Samuel 6:6 gives an example of Gods wrath, but what about my nephew, my daughter, babies? They have not incited the LORD to wrath! Why would we think God has taken them? 

6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. 7 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

8 Then David was angry because the Lord’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.[e]

9 David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, “How can the ark of the Lord ever come to me?”

DAVID WAS ANGRY! 

It doesn’t specifically say he was angry AT the LORD, but it does say he was angry and scared enough to not want to take the ark to his house. So my assumption is he was angry at and scared of the LORD. The thing that’s quite amazing about David, and quite possibly why the LORD says he is a man after God’s own heart, is that even through things as traumatic and terrible as losing your friend at the hand of God Almighty, David still danced before the LORD, praised Him, obeyed Him, and was willing to make a spectacle of himself in doing so! And only just verses after being ANGRY!

So I wonder, how did David move from being angry at and scared of God, to being willling to obey and worship Him and even make a spectacle of himself in doing so? 

David was open with God and sought after Him through every emotion, every up and down, every heartache and fear and all the unknowns. He sought God and he was determined to repent and keep seeking Him when necessary too. 

God, I want to be like David. But I am angry. I am questioning why. I am hurting and broken. I will keep choosing to seek You in the hurt, I won’t turn away. I just wish I understood more. This is why I cried out to you after losing Joeli for even just 

GLIMPSES 

Of what You are doing! I think I need this again! My heart and flesh are weak. Yes, my spirit is willing, oh God. But why?! Why couldn’t Jason and Joeli be made well? I may never fully understand Your plans, I know that. But would you please give my heart even glimpses of what you are doing in this season of brokenness of also seeing my mother in law suffer so?! I need to know You are in this! Please keep reassuring me. I’m sorry I’m so weak and hurt right now. Please comfort my family and my heart and please send angels to protect my sweet little niece and grow her strong and healthy and that she could come home soon! Like the passage I read the night before I found out Jason had the LUTO condition, we are clinging to You and wrestling with You. I'm going to wrestle with you for the blessing. Leah did not have to wreslte. Do I need to? I feel like I am wrestling with You right now whether I need to or not. Help my mind to understand and accept what my heart already believes-that You are worthy of my praise and honor whether I understand if you took away or if the enemy takes... Do I have to understand every question I have in order to continue to follow You and believe You are worthy of my praise and of my heart? 

No.

But I wish I did even if I never do, I will choose to keep praising you like the song says

And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

In Jesus name, Amen.

It Is Spring, But I’m Back To Broken

I have not blogged since September. That seems rather fitting, since October began an on slot of  difficulty and new level of busy for our family. I’ve decided for my own mental health it’s time to start blogging again. Writing helps me process the good, the bad, and the ugly.

In October my Mother in Law Lynn had a flare up of her chronic UTI’s from her condition called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism or MSA-P for short. Her condition is stealing every aspect of her life and though it is said people do not die from Parkinson’s, they die with it, it is said that people die from MSA. This illness is literally robbing her of every aspect of her life before it takes her life. Sometimes when I allow myself to go there I do get mad about that. It’s especially upsetting seeing the Lewy Body Dementia, another symptom of the MSA, rob her mind and presence from us. It’s hard to be so honest because believing in Christ and a hope for a future sometimes makes Christians feel like in order to be impactful or faith filled we have to somehow lose the humanity in ourselves and our grip on reality. We somehow feel like being Christian means we have to bypass grief and loss and move right into acceptance and “faith” and being okay with “our lot in life”.

IT’S A LIE.

Grieve spirit within me, grieve the loss and the heartache of watching my mother in law suffer debilitating pain, chronic infections, moments of helplessness and hopelessness and bitter heartache at all that’s being robbed from her and from us.

Grieve hard.

Grieve with hope, yes, but grieve nonetheless.

October through January saw us making a drive to E-town to help care for her and my Father-in-Law very often. I am so grateful for and proud of the way our whole family banded together through this difficult season. My brother and sister in law help so much to give insight, to be examples of sacrificing, to help literally and figuratively pick up Mom countless times. I don’t know how families get through these types of difficult long illnesses without the love and support of one another and of turning all our heartaches, questions, and prayers to God. Then brought countless hours of discussing how to figure out what comes next for our families. It was difficult decisions to be made. It was sacrifices and prayer. It was concerns and unknowns. And then when the decision was finally made to build an addition and take my In-Laws in, it was countless hours of builders, contractors, and loud noises invading our homeschool time. The journey has NOT been easy. Seeing how much my Mother in laws illness has impacted our whole family and especially taken a toll on my father in laws health too is so hard.

Before October, I was facing yet another one in an on slot of friendship heartaches. I poured my heart and soul out in prayer and belief and in the end it became clear that lies and deception were won over honesty and pursuit of following Gods Word. There is almost no heartache in life as bitter as pouring yourself out for someone only to have your love rejected and your promises broken and your words betrayed. Jesus knows betrayal. Especially friendship betrayal and heartaches. So I do keep leaning into that but it does not mend my broken heart, it simply gives me some relief knowing He knows the pain and journeys in it with me. He knows the brokenness of reaching out a helping hand only to have that hand slapped away in rejection. I have been wounded in some deep ways and God sees my struggles with feeling betrayed and let down and He is walking with me through it. He has given me glimpses of His hand at work in me through it. He has allowed people to speak into my brokenness and give me peace. He has allowed some healing and a Spring to begin in the area of betrayal and brokenness. He has been giving me this vision of Spring a new season He was entering me into.

The Spring began.

But almost as soon as it felt like the Spring season was beginning in my spiritual life, a brokenness has come in.

I’m reminded that with Spring comes the tilling. The soil of my soul is being broken and tilled up so that something can be planted. I don’t know exactly what it is yet, but I am believing God for the planting season to be upon me. Even as I write this, I feel God speaking to my heart confirming that the brokennnes is a tilling time, the Spring is not over spiritually for me yet... He is in process in me.

So God, what are you planting in this brokenness? I feel so weighed down right now by the heartache of praying and crying out to you for my nephew Jason’s healing and believing for it in faith and then losing him. It’s not how I wanted their story to be. Maybe that is selfish? Maybe it is not faith filled enough? Maybe it is not Christian and surrendered enough? But it is the truth of where my heart is at right now. I hate this. It’s not fair and I am angry. God can handle my anger. I know it’s not a healthy place to be and I need to work through it. I will. But for now, the soil of my soul is being tilled and it is a pretty altering, uprooting, shaken and stirred experience.

Broken.

It is Spring, but I’m back to broken.

I recently stumbled upon a blog about the 22 emotions of planting season. I feel like frustration, emotion number 5, along with its picture ((a boulder stuck between farming equipment tilling up the field)) was very much where I am. I’ve hit a rock. It has stalled up the process of tilling. My progress is halted. I feel stuck and lost. I feel hurt and broken. God knows all this. He is absolutely Sovereign over all. Doesn’t mean He is going to fix it all,  but it does mean He knows and sees.

Gods Word is absolutely where I need to land right now. It offers me corrective lenses in the blinding tears in the time of brokenness.

I see the beauty in this season too. I’m trying to, anyway. As my sister in law said at Jason’s funeral, “Though we did not get the miracle we all had prayed for, God was working miracles all along this journey.”

There will be something of beauty and value growing because of the readiness of the soil of my soul. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and life abundant!”

Jeremiah 24:6 My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will returnto me with all their heart.

Lamentations 3:
 For no one is cast off
    by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
    so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
    or grief to anyone.

So, 

Psalm 27:13 (NIV)

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.