On the very day we delivered Joeli a dear friend of my family traveled from Delaware to be physically present with us in the hospital. Her willingness to leave her tasks and meet us where we were was astounding. Why did she do that? Because she had walked our same road. Her first loss was, I believe her 3rd child, a daughter, born still at 23 weeks. Her name is Rachel and Janet described Rachel's features and how she longed for her life and misses her to "this day", which was then over a decade later. Janet also suffered the loss of twins at about 10 weeks pregnant. She dropped everything to be by our side because she knew the empty bitterness of what our hearts and my body were experiencing. And she mourned with us for what should have been.
There were many, like Janet, who walked with us through our most difficult hours, days, weeks and months. I thank God often for these deeply caring individuals.
After losing Joeli and waiting for many results to come back, we were told by the Dr.'s that they could find no clear reason for her death. It was scary, disheartening and confusing. No one could tell me why it happened, so naturally I blamed myself and tried to search for any and all reasons why this could have happened. Maybe it was the fibroid tumor in my uterus which had previously caused one Dr. to think I may never even bear children? Maybe it was the lunch meat I ate a week or two before finding out we had lost her? Maybe it was me accidentally sleeping on my stomach in the middle of the night? The list went on and on as my mind searched for answers. But there were none.
That is, I think, what scared me the most about ever becoming pregnant again. How could I prevent what I didn't even have a cause for? How could I be certain I would never have to hold and bury my cold lifeless child again? I did not feel capable of dealing with that. I didn't feel capable of handing this ever again. So initially I verbally decided I was, "done". I would never have children again. I would adopt. I would wait for God to show me what He had for us. But I never wanted to have another child ever again.
I remember one conversation with my dear faith-filled mom in my backyard. She asked me the question I dreaded. She asked if I wanted to try to have more children. Of course somewhere buried deep below the surface of my agony was the glimmer of hope and desire I had always had since my own childhood of having a big happy family with tons of laughter and carrying on. But, on the surface, I was still so numb and confused and afraid. Terrified, actually. I was terrified that if I did try again the same thing would happen. And how could I ever handle that? I still tell God I can't. But, I also told Him I felt I couldn't handle many things that I have now faced in my life. Anyway, that conversation ended with my mom telling me that she believed God had more children in store for my life yet and not to give up hope or faith. A terrible dichotomy of desiring something so deeply while at the very same time being terrified and almost closed off to ever wanting to try to trust "how it's meant to be" working out ever again. I left the conversation thankful for her faith but utterly wavering in my own regarding healthy pregnancy for myself.
Soon after this conversation we began meeting with several other couples from our church who had suffered similar losses and could relate to our questions, our fears, our confusion, our pain. They could relate to our dichotomous fear-filled desire to have more children. And, God, having the beautiful plans He does, chose to allow three of the five of us couples to conceive, each within five weeks of each other. The grace in that was indescribable!
To say I walked through my pregnancy with Sadie without fear would be the greatest lie I've ever told. I was absolutely petrified. In fact, it was such a terrible time with my anxiety there were many times I felt I was going to drown in fears almost literally. Every heartbeat check I would almost go into a full blown panic attack waiting for the blessed sound of the heartbeat. I had a sick feeling about the dates being so similar too. In fact, I cringed when I knew as soon as the test was positive that their due dates would align almost to the day. I was so terrified of being told my due date was again June 18th that I specifically said to the nurse as she was looking up what my date would be, "Whatever you do, don't tell me the 18th...if it is the 18th please just make up another date to tell me" And she said, "Don't worry I don't even have to lie to you, your due date is June 15th". I still felt a bit sick how aligned every date was going to be. It was all still so fresh with Joeli's dates. I could remember her first ultrasound, the first kicks, the first time I saw her on the screen dancing away, the first time Sean felt her moving...then all the bad dates.
Yet, our mysterious God took what the enemy meant for my fear, agony and harm and redeemed every date, every month, every moment of that year by Sadie's pregnancy going smoothly and each date is now filled with renewed hope and with an oil of gladness in place of where sorrow was. I thank God for this often!
When we got pregnant with Joeby Ray I made a conscious choice and verbally committed to God to not live in fear or anxiety, but to trust His plan no matter what may come. I had to moment to moment continue to walk out this surrender and new mindset. With Joeby's pregnancy I felt a peace and strength to face whatever may come that I did not feel with Sadie's pregnancy.
When I look back I see why I was so filled with doubts and fears with their pregnancies. It's completely normal and understandable to be afraid of what we have no control over. So, I've found true the scripture,
Luke 12:25
And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span?
So today, instead of worrying, I have to continue walking in the conscious choice to trust the hand that both gives and takes life away. I have to, often times, moment to moment surrender my anxious thoughts and my fears to His loving arms.
I pray that as you walk your own journey and face whatever fears may come your way, that you face them boldly and laying aside your fears and worries. And I pray that, like us, you may find brave warrior friends who will stand in the fight with you and war with you to the glory of our God and King!!
So much love and prayers for yours (and my own) victory over doubt, fear and worry!
Love,
Abi
