Struggle...Battle...Wage War.
We all struggle. But do you see it as a battle? Do you wage war against your struggle or do you let it strangle you? I know at times I sit back and let it war me when I desperately need, instead, to strap on my armor and fight.
Talk about a struggle.
We all struggle. Each of us face a battle. But some of us have yet to confront the Goliath, to head-on face the enemy. Mostly because we haven't even identified it or acknowledged it as a battle.
What is yours? If you don't know, I would encourage you to spend today asking God to reveal to your heart what it is that He has strength to help you overcome. In that way you can take your stand and wage war against it. It's Biblical to ask God to examine your heart.
Psalm 26:1-3 (NIV)1 Vindicate me, Lord, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the Lord and have not faltered. 2 Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; 3 for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness.
I happen to know mine pretty well, too well most times.
It's something I recognize in myself and I have been working on ways to overcome over the years. But it's tough. It's such a struggle for me.
Anxiety.
Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.
I know what God's Word, my guide, leads me to do.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
But it's so tough to do that. There have been several times, when quite honestly, my anxiety was absolutely and very literally paralyzing. In college it was so bad. A lot of the anxiety that wars me comes from my intense desire to do things/be "perfect". Grades, tests, papers it all had to be perfect...but of course it wasn't. So, that is where much of my panic came from in college. I wanted and tried so hard to get just the right grades and do everything perfect and when it didn't show I felt very panicked. If I were being perfectly honest I would tell you I feel kinda anxious even writing this because I'm sharing a deep and embarrassing battle for me and I don't like not having it all together or being "perfect" or as close to it as I feel I can possibly be. But who does/is? Why do I hold myself to such unreachable standards, goals and perceptions? I could share more horror stories from my said anxiety issue but I'll spare myself the embarrassment and you the belief of my sheer insanity:)
Psalm 139:23
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
I have I guess what they would call "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". Although I've never been "diagnosed". Aside from a text message from my now "counselor hubby". Sheesh, am I really admitting I have an anxiety disorder? I don't know, I sure don't want to say I am admitting it. It's hard to admit something is real because once you admit it then you are kind of forced to FACE it. Face the giant. Face the fear. Face the humiliation. Face the imperfection. Face the "failure". Face the possible scrutiny or judgement. I've never taken medication for my "symptoms". I've not really been under any therapy for it throughout my life. Although I often think about making medication or counseling a regular part of my life I just don't do it. I don't really know why other than my heartfelt belief in God and trying and working at being reliant upon God and His word and prayer. I take my life one day at a time and especially after losing Joeli I have realized that I often have to even take it one moment at a time. I've been working on giving myself a lot more grace. I tend to extend an awful lot of grace to my friends and family but not too much to myself.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
When I examine myself I think maybe that's why I just adore children the way I do. There's little to no fear of not measuring up to their "standards and expectations". Yet some of the anxiety I face is internal. It comes from no real source and is simply a feeling of heaviness and difficulty to breathe sometimes. It can come and go unexpectedly and once it rests on me it's hard to throw it off. I've learned different coping mechanisms for myself over the years that "help" or "lesson the severity" of my symptoms. Some of those techniques are singing and worshipping God, meditating on His Word and on His love for me despite my flaws, failures and imperfections, running, and breathing in very deep and slowly. I've also recently taken to "war-ing" this enemy. When I feel it coming on I try to be vigilant and catch it right away and cleanse and break the thoughts and feelings before they infect me.
No matter how I face this giant though, I know that it gives me an amazing amount of grace on others who struggle. I wish I had all the answers and I wish I didn't battle this issue. But, I do. So, I can sit and pretend I don't or I can face it and continue to work on overcoming it. Maybe I'll be "working on overcoming" it for the rest of my life but you can darn well rest assured I will not stop war-ing this freakin enemy till he's dead and gone. There are so many other "enemies" in this life that I have learned one thing for sure over the past several years of my life. I NEED others surrounding me and supporting me and loving me through my struggles and praying for me in my battles as much as others NEED me too! So, I guess my desire in sharing all this embarrassing information with the world wide web is to say that it's OK to struggle. But let's battle against the struggle together!
Galatians 6:2
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Much love, many prayers and hope in Christ,
Love,
Abers
Each day make a joyful noise in this backWORDZ world. Choose to live life moment by moment in the extravagant love of your Father.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
7:17
Every time I see the clock read 7:17 I am reminded of one of the most joyous spectacular days of my life... My wedding day! Only topping the charts beside the births of our beautiful kids Seana Jane, Sadie May and Joeby Ray.
7:17 Reminds me of the joy of that day...the flowers, the time in the upper room while my "Aunt" Rose did my hair, Beth did my nails and friends piled in to share in the joy. It reminds me of butterflies being released and the hillarious moments of that day...the leopard print thong (worn not by me mind you), the speech given by my sister, the loud YES I screamed out after we said the "I do's". There are so many fun, funny and charming memories I love looking back on.
Yet, the other day I was reminded of the importance of not just looking back and focusing on the "fun" of that day. But instead, remembering the commitment in that day. It is so important to look back and remember, ponder and hold dear the words I spoke, we spoke, on that very special day. Sometimes it's easy to just do things because they're "fun" and "easy" and "light"...but what about in the tough times, in the hard times and in the not so "fun" moments? In those moments the strength, power and fierce importance of those words I spoke with my lips must come to my mind and be held onto. Our marriage has been filled with so much joy and life and love. But I would be lying to say that it has not also been muddied with times of desperate hurt, loss, pain and at times yelling in frustration.
Sean and I are both strong, independent thinkers with powerful thoughts that often come out in powerful ways :) Our first year of marriage was filled with many times of joy, and anything we did we did it with intensity; we fight hard and we love hard. One particular "fight" we had (which we don't even know what it was about anymore) we both remember and it kind of cracks us up to this day. Sean told me, "You say one more word and I am walking out the door..." To which I boldly and proudly proclaimed, "Word!" After which he walked out the front door. I "let him go" and then got worried after several minutes of him not just coming back in. I really thought he would come back and it was all just a show. Not so! Like I said, we are bold, independent thinkers and that was just one example... Don't worry, it ended well after I walked outside and looked down the street and didn't see him ANYWHERE. I sat on the front step of our tiny one bedroom apartment in the rough neck of the woods crying... I called his best friend and asked him to try to call him and find out where he was. As I was doing so, he was apparently "sleeping" in our car after he'd decided to lay the chair back and "rest awhile". Fires me up a bit to this day to think that while I was worried I'd lost him forever he was calmly laying his head down for a rest. You know how men just hit the pillow and fall asleep in an instant, yup that's him. There I was intensely worried I'd never see him again and he was ASLEEP. Yup, it's a man's porrogative to find it rather easy to "rest" worries away while we often need to "blab" them away :) Anyway, eventually we talked it out and everything was fine. Thankfully God has given us the great ability to communicate deeply and openly even about the "tough stuff". It's one thing that saves our marriage in the tough stuff. Communication. But above communication, is Commitment. Which again takes me back to 7:17.
On that day we chose our wedding verse to be: John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." We have chosen to make daily prayer and Bible reading a part of our marriage and family life from day one. Together, with God as our guide we can do everything, bear everything, and love in all circumstances...but apart from Him we can do NOTHING! He has been the third chord in our three stranded rope. He has held us together when many things have almost torn us apart, or even when we have almost torn each other apart so to speak. We have not been anywhere close to "perfect" and in our weakest moments aside from the commitment we made before God and the "witnesses", we have failed. Our marriage would have broken into pieces had we not continually been able to forgive, walk in love, re-commit, and keep working towards a Christ-like love and commitment in our marriage. To be very deeply honest, we have had moments where it felt like the end, but for some reason God chose to allow us to be spared from that sorrow and to walk us back to closer walks with Him and to gently lead us to a closer walk together hand in hand.
And we do, we grow, we change and we develop into one. I think the saying, "two shall become one" is often so misconstrued in our Cinderella love story minds. It isn't that two fall in love and ARE then one...it truly is that you must WORK to BECOME one.
When I model my love after Christ's, I remember that often I must lay down the things I think I need or want. When I do so, I am able to see that I find greater joy and blessings than I ever knew possible in laying down my "life" to find a new "one-ness" in the life we then live hand in hand.
7:17 Reminds me of the joy of that day...the flowers, the time in the upper room while my "Aunt" Rose did my hair, Beth did my nails and friends piled in to share in the joy. It reminds me of butterflies being released and the hillarious moments of that day...the leopard print thong (worn not by me mind you), the speech given by my sister, the loud YES I screamed out after we said the "I do's". There are so many fun, funny and charming memories I love looking back on.
Yet, the other day I was reminded of the importance of not just looking back and focusing on the "fun" of that day. But instead, remembering the commitment in that day. It is so important to look back and remember, ponder and hold dear the words I spoke, we spoke, on that very special day. Sometimes it's easy to just do things because they're "fun" and "easy" and "light"...but what about in the tough times, in the hard times and in the not so "fun" moments? In those moments the strength, power and fierce importance of those words I spoke with my lips must come to my mind and be held onto. Our marriage has been filled with so much joy and life and love. But I would be lying to say that it has not also been muddied with times of desperate hurt, loss, pain and at times yelling in frustration.
Sean and I are both strong, independent thinkers with powerful thoughts that often come out in powerful ways :) Our first year of marriage was filled with many times of joy, and anything we did we did it with intensity; we fight hard and we love hard. One particular "fight" we had (which we don't even know what it was about anymore) we both remember and it kind of cracks us up to this day. Sean told me, "You say one more word and I am walking out the door..." To which I boldly and proudly proclaimed, "Word!" After which he walked out the front door. I "let him go" and then got worried after several minutes of him not just coming back in. I really thought he would come back and it was all just a show. Not so! Like I said, we are bold, independent thinkers and that was just one example... Don't worry, it ended well after I walked outside and looked down the street and didn't see him ANYWHERE. I sat on the front step of our tiny one bedroom apartment in the rough neck of the woods crying... I called his best friend and asked him to try to call him and find out where he was. As I was doing so, he was apparently "sleeping" in our car after he'd decided to lay the chair back and "rest awhile". Fires me up a bit to this day to think that while I was worried I'd lost him forever he was calmly laying his head down for a rest. You know how men just hit the pillow and fall asleep in an instant, yup that's him. There I was intensely worried I'd never see him again and he was ASLEEP. Yup, it's a man's porrogative to find it rather easy to "rest" worries away while we often need to "blab" them away :) Anyway, eventually we talked it out and everything was fine. Thankfully God has given us the great ability to communicate deeply and openly even about the "tough stuff". It's one thing that saves our marriage in the tough stuff. Communication. But above communication, is Commitment. Which again takes me back to 7:17.
On that day we chose our wedding verse to be: John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." We have chosen to make daily prayer and Bible reading a part of our marriage and family life from day one. Together, with God as our guide we can do everything, bear everything, and love in all circumstances...but apart from Him we can do NOTHING! He has been the third chord in our three stranded rope. He has held us together when many things have almost torn us apart, or even when we have almost torn each other apart so to speak. We have not been anywhere close to "perfect" and in our weakest moments aside from the commitment we made before God and the "witnesses", we have failed. Our marriage would have broken into pieces had we not continually been able to forgive, walk in love, re-commit, and keep working towards a Christ-like love and commitment in our marriage. To be very deeply honest, we have had moments where it felt like the end, but for some reason God chose to allow us to be spared from that sorrow and to walk us back to closer walks with Him and to gently lead us to a closer walk together hand in hand.
And we do, we grow, we change and we develop into one. I think the saying, "two shall become one" is often so misconstrued in our Cinderella love story minds. It isn't that two fall in love and ARE then one...it truly is that you must WORK to BECOME one.
Mark 10:7-9
New International Version (NIV)
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[a] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’[b] So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
So, all my "love" fly's out the window like a broken winged butterfly when I have a bad day or a fight with the one I love...BUT, if I commit, re-commit and remember the very strong fierce powerful words I spoke on that joyous day I am reminded that I must CHOOSE to continue WORKING at "becoming one" with the man I chose to commit my life to in love. Is it fun and joyous? Yes, fiercely fun and enjoyable. But, it's a lot of work at times too and I need to remember the great importance of those words just as much as I remember the times of fun and joy.
Today, if your marriage is hurting or happy, if your heart is broken or whole, if your words mean much or little and if your love is like a heart or shattered like glass I encourage you to take a moment and remember that you have a beautiful choice to make... you can continue "working" on becoming one even in the tough stuff and also be reminded to guard the sanctity of your words in the light and joyous times too.
Be blessed, be encouraged, be challenged as you work to become one!
Love,
Abi
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
So, all my "love" fly's out the window like a broken winged butterfly when I have a bad day or a fight with the one I love...BUT, if I commit, re-commit and remember the very strong fierce powerful words I spoke on that joyous day I am reminded that I must CHOOSE to continue WORKING at "becoming one" with the man I chose to commit my life to in love. Is it fun and joyous? Yes, fiercely fun and enjoyable. But, it's a lot of work at times too and I need to remember the great importance of those words just as much as I remember the times of fun and joy.
Today, if your marriage is hurting or happy, if your heart is broken or whole, if your words mean much or little and if your love is like a heart or shattered like glass I encourage you to take a moment and remember that you have a beautiful choice to make... you can continue "working" on becoming one even in the tough stuff and also be reminded to guard the sanctity of your words in the light and joyous times too.
Be blessed, be encouraged, be challenged as you work to become one!
Love,
Abi
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
When I model my love after Christ's, I remember that often I must lay down the things I think I need or want. When I do so, I am able to see that I find greater joy and blessings than I ever knew possible in laying down my "life" to find a new "one-ness" in the life we then live hand in hand.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The Day My World Stood Still...
The Day My World Stood Still,
Was the day, the night really, when I first was told something is "wrong".
People ask me time and time again for advice, input, thoughts, and send me notes asking for prayer about their pregnancy concerns. So, I thought I would jot some of my thoughts down for the world to see.
In regards to supporting others through the death of a baby, whether it is an early miscarriage, a late miscarriage, an early infant death or any other "term" you want to use, THEIR CHILD DIED. They didn't "lose" a pregnancy, "give God an angel", or "need someone looking after them" or any other colloquial language. Just some brief overview for those of you who, unlike me, don't have a passion for anatomy and physiology and pregnancy development... The heart of an unborn child begins beating at only 4 weeks gestation and is visible via ultrasound as early as 5-6 weeks. The baby then begins to move, grow and form into the beautiful child he/she is designed to be. Joeli was not inanimate. She had every characteristic of a living, "born", child. She IS a child and she IS my child. My second BORN daughter. She was alive and then she died. She held and continues to hold the very special place in our family as being our second child, a daughter. She was cherished from the moment we knew we held life within. She was wanted and such a blessing.
Common mistakes friends and family make when dealing with "loss"/death of a child:
1. Not mentioning the child, their name, birth date, death date, or anything about the child.
Often this is done in care and not with malice, but it is taken to heart and is often mistaken for neglect or dis-concern or even worse for not acknowledging the deep suffering, pain and hurt the family is experiencing or even worse yet, for not acknowledging a child existed, that LIFE was within. Ignoring the "dates" in miscarriages can often cause feelings of isolation and loneliness in particularly the mom who is left to sort through her loss alone.
2. Unwillingness of others to remember or join in celebrating the memory of the child's life.
Sometimes this is done without thinking it through and is simply just the way some people cope/deal with loss of a child. I think the acknowledgement of such a deep pain for some can be unbearable or scary to know how to handle appropriately. So, they withdrawal for fear of their own reactions. However, this often leaves the family/friend feeling, again, isolated and alone in their grief. So, if for your own sake you must withdrawal, just tell the friend/family that you are withdrawing for fear of saying/doing something wrong, tell them you just don't know how to cope with your own feelings of hurt and loss and pain when you face theirs...it's OK, that won't hurt as bad as just not knowing why you aren't "present" with them in their grief.
3. Saying certain things wrong can hurt...but saying nothing at all hurts the family so much more.
Say something, acknowledge their pain, and just listen to their heart.
4. Certain phrases that are unhelpful: "You will have another one", "God needed an angel to tend His garden", "There must have been something wrong with the child, so God spared you", "You did something wrong and this is a lesson God must be trying to teach you", "At least it was early on....or, at least they didn't have to suffer...or, at least you never got too attached"....and the list goes on. Thank God I did not have to suffer hearing things like this often, but many of my friends have heard things like this after their children died and let me tell you these type of phrases HURT so much. Just sit and listen and know that NOTHING you say or do will make the pain go away...but acknowledging the hurt WILL help to hold us up when we feel knocked down.
5. Complaining about your children or saying things about death lightly (like on rough days saying, "Oh I just want to die" or "This is killing me") are other things that can really weigh heavily upon a hurting heart after the death of a child.
6. Letting your life "go on" in front of ours when you know we are hurting can hurt worse. You don't need to sit in misery with us, but be gentle and full of grace and be aware that your words, your actions and your lack of ability to empathize can lead us to feel very much more hurt. A way to help this is to take time to not share your joys and your good fortunes with us. We do want to celebrate with you, but we don't want to have to/or be expected to do it during our mourning and in our grief. Share our sadness and sorrows and we'll share your joys as God gives us grace to do....share your joys without fore-thought, and our sorrows only increase as the awareness of how deeply and truly empty we are begins to grow bleaker against the brilliance of your shining sunny day. Be aware of this in how you handle and what you say around those suffering death of their beloved.
7. In regards to being "nervous" in your pregnancies...Its probably best you don't share that with someone who's had a loss. We don't need to hear how "scared" you are. (And I don't mean friends and family dealing with very real health concerns can't share their struggle with fear....but I do mean the sense of "worry" or concern without any medical reasoning) We know fear. Often we've dealt with our own fears silently through our subsequent pregnancies. Will our next child die too? Will we have to face delivery of another dead child? Will we even be able to conceive again? Ours isn't a fear about if our child will have disabilities or problems...ours is a fear of if our child will even survive to breathe this air and see our face. We just want a healthy live child. Will our bodies fail us again? How would I cope with another death?
8. Last bit of advice would be: Don't forget about them and the baby that death stole from them. Send them encouraging notes, remember dates along with them (you have no idea what that means to them about the LIFE of the child, not just the death), and just be present with them in their grief. Offer support through hugs, phone calls (not just texts and emails--be present, I will say it again, BE PRESENT), and through just a listening ear. Some of my most encouraging friends are those who took the time to call me and spend time talking with me even still about how I am doing from time to time and year to passing year and asking me the tough questions like, "how are you doing really?" and who just sat and cried with me and those who just gave me a long lingering hug of sympathy.
9. Okay, I lied, one more thing...Everyone handles the death of a child differently so if you find something I have mentioned to be wrong or if you question it in regards to how you think your family/friend may respond then do them the favor and ASK them how they want you to handle their loss and how they best gain your support/encouragement. Don't assume or presume, just ask them how you can best come alongside them in their grief. Just you asking that question will tell them how deeply you do care!!!!!
Yes, every pregnancy and healthy delivery is a miracle...So, don't take your easy deliveries, cake pregnancies and healthy kids for granted. Don't yell at them so much. Don't talk about them like they're replaceable. Don't mention them like they're a burden or a stress. Are kids at times a lot of work and do they have behaviors that can cause stress? Yes, of course. But someone facing the death of a child does not know how to handle your discontentment in life and your stress and overwhelming life as a parent of healthy happy rambunctious kids. It's extremely disheartening and hurtful to hear all the complaining about blessings "we" only LONG for. (And don't think for a minute I haven't whined about my own kids and stresses at times, we're all guilty of it...but we do need to hold one another to a higher standard and stop playing the game of "it's okay to complain as long as it's done in a 'seeking support' kind of way...Sorry ladies/moms, but it's just not okay for us to whine and complain about our sleepless nights and whiny/bratty kids.) [instead of, "these kids are driving me nuts" We/I need to start saying things like, "I need prayer and encouragement to have a godly attitude and manner in dealing with my children when they act in ways that are disrespectful, overwhelming or unbecoming"] I'm just as guilty about "complaining" as anyone--but let's not remain in that attitude and mindset, let's rise above and let's be aware of how we are appearing to others, especially those facing infertility or child death.
Is sleep deprivation a part of parenting? Absolutely. But sleeplessness and sleep deprivation can also be caused by extreme grief. I remember our first year after Joeli died I often had nightmares or woke up in cold sweats as my body readjusted to not needing to use the milk it had stored up. It was so painful that even when I was exhausted I often could not fall asleep. Often all my mind would think about is how far along I would be at such and such a point and as my friends whose pregnancies mirrored mine began having their healthy happy babies the ache in my heart grew. I ached and longed for Joeli to be growing healthy within me and she was not. She was gone, forever. It's an ache like you cannot understand unless you've experienced it. I wish it upon NO ONE.
I have so many other thoughts concerning losing a child....but for now I must rest my heavy hands and lighten my heart a bit and spend time with the miraculous blessings God has restored my soul with.
Love,
Aberdabberdoo
Psalm 127:3
Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.
Was the day, the night really, when I first was told something is "wrong".
People ask me time and time again for advice, input, thoughts, and send me notes asking for prayer about their pregnancy concerns. So, I thought I would jot some of my thoughts down for the world to see.
In regards to supporting others through the death of a baby, whether it is an early miscarriage, a late miscarriage, an early infant death or any other "term" you want to use, THEIR CHILD DIED. They didn't "lose" a pregnancy, "give God an angel", or "need someone looking after them" or any other colloquial language. Just some brief overview for those of you who, unlike me, don't have a passion for anatomy and physiology and pregnancy development... The heart of an unborn child begins beating at only 4 weeks gestation and is visible via ultrasound as early as 5-6 weeks. The baby then begins to move, grow and form into the beautiful child he/she is designed to be. Joeli was not inanimate. She had every characteristic of a living, "born", child. She IS a child and she IS my child. My second BORN daughter. She was alive and then she died. She held and continues to hold the very special place in our family as being our second child, a daughter. She was cherished from the moment we knew we held life within. She was wanted and such a blessing.
Common mistakes friends and family make when dealing with "loss"/death of a child:
1. Not mentioning the child, their name, birth date, death date, or anything about the child.
Often this is done in care and not with malice, but it is taken to heart and is often mistaken for neglect or dis-concern or even worse for not acknowledging the deep suffering, pain and hurt the family is experiencing or even worse yet, for not acknowledging a child existed, that LIFE was within. Ignoring the "dates" in miscarriages can often cause feelings of isolation and loneliness in particularly the mom who is left to sort through her loss alone.
2. Unwillingness of others to remember or join in celebrating the memory of the child's life.
Sometimes this is done without thinking it through and is simply just the way some people cope/deal with loss of a child. I think the acknowledgement of such a deep pain for some can be unbearable or scary to know how to handle appropriately. So, they withdrawal for fear of their own reactions. However, this often leaves the family/friend feeling, again, isolated and alone in their grief. So, if for your own sake you must withdrawal, just tell the friend/family that you are withdrawing for fear of saying/doing something wrong, tell them you just don't know how to cope with your own feelings of hurt and loss and pain when you face theirs...it's OK, that won't hurt as bad as just not knowing why you aren't "present" with them in their grief.
3. Saying certain things wrong can hurt...but saying nothing at all hurts the family so much more.
Say something, acknowledge their pain, and just listen to their heart.
4. Certain phrases that are unhelpful: "You will have another one", "God needed an angel to tend His garden", "There must have been something wrong with the child, so God spared you", "You did something wrong and this is a lesson God must be trying to teach you", "At least it was early on....or, at least they didn't have to suffer...or, at least you never got too attached"....and the list goes on. Thank God I did not have to suffer hearing things like this often, but many of my friends have heard things like this after their children died and let me tell you these type of phrases HURT so much. Just sit and listen and know that NOTHING you say or do will make the pain go away...but acknowledging the hurt WILL help to hold us up when we feel knocked down.
5. Complaining about your children or saying things about death lightly (like on rough days saying, "Oh I just want to die" or "This is killing me") are other things that can really weigh heavily upon a hurting heart after the death of a child.
6. Letting your life "go on" in front of ours when you know we are hurting can hurt worse. You don't need to sit in misery with us, but be gentle and full of grace and be aware that your words, your actions and your lack of ability to empathize can lead us to feel very much more hurt. A way to help this is to take time to not share your joys and your good fortunes with us. We do want to celebrate with you, but we don't want to have to/or be expected to do it during our mourning and in our grief. Share our sadness and sorrows and we'll share your joys as God gives us grace to do....share your joys without fore-thought, and our sorrows only increase as the awareness of how deeply and truly empty we are begins to grow bleaker against the brilliance of your shining sunny day. Be aware of this in how you handle and what you say around those suffering death of their beloved.
7. In regards to being "nervous" in your pregnancies...Its probably best you don't share that with someone who's had a loss. We don't need to hear how "scared" you are. (And I don't mean friends and family dealing with very real health concerns can't share their struggle with fear....but I do mean the sense of "worry" or concern without any medical reasoning) We know fear. Often we've dealt with our own fears silently through our subsequent pregnancies. Will our next child die too? Will we have to face delivery of another dead child? Will we even be able to conceive again? Ours isn't a fear about if our child will have disabilities or problems...ours is a fear of if our child will even survive to breathe this air and see our face. We just want a healthy live child. Will our bodies fail us again? How would I cope with another death?
8. Last bit of advice would be: Don't forget about them and the baby that death stole from them. Send them encouraging notes, remember dates along with them (you have no idea what that means to them about the LIFE of the child, not just the death), and just be present with them in their grief. Offer support through hugs, phone calls (not just texts and emails--be present, I will say it again, BE PRESENT), and through just a listening ear. Some of my most encouraging friends are those who took the time to call me and spend time talking with me even still about how I am doing from time to time and year to passing year and asking me the tough questions like, "how are you doing really?" and who just sat and cried with me and those who just gave me a long lingering hug of sympathy.
9. Okay, I lied, one more thing...Everyone handles the death of a child differently so if you find something I have mentioned to be wrong or if you question it in regards to how you think your family/friend may respond then do them the favor and ASK them how they want you to handle their loss and how they best gain your support/encouragement. Don't assume or presume, just ask them how you can best come alongside them in their grief. Just you asking that question will tell them how deeply you do care!!!!!
Yes, every pregnancy and healthy delivery is a miracle...So, don't take your easy deliveries, cake pregnancies and healthy kids for granted. Don't yell at them so much. Don't talk about them like they're replaceable. Don't mention them like they're a burden or a stress. Are kids at times a lot of work and do they have behaviors that can cause stress? Yes, of course. But someone facing the death of a child does not know how to handle your discontentment in life and your stress and overwhelming life as a parent of healthy happy rambunctious kids. It's extremely disheartening and hurtful to hear all the complaining about blessings "we" only LONG for. (And don't think for a minute I haven't whined about my own kids and stresses at times, we're all guilty of it...but we do need to hold one another to a higher standard and stop playing the game of "it's okay to complain as long as it's done in a 'seeking support' kind of way...Sorry ladies/moms, but it's just not okay for us to whine and complain about our sleepless nights and whiny/bratty kids.) [instead of, "these kids are driving me nuts" We/I need to start saying things like, "I need prayer and encouragement to have a godly attitude and manner in dealing with my children when they act in ways that are disrespectful, overwhelming or unbecoming"] I'm just as guilty about "complaining" as anyone--but let's not remain in that attitude and mindset, let's rise above and let's be aware of how we are appearing to others, especially those facing infertility or child death.
Philippians 2:13-1513 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.14 Do everything without complaining and arguing, 15 so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.
Is sleep deprivation a part of parenting? Absolutely. But sleeplessness and sleep deprivation can also be caused by extreme grief. I remember our first year after Joeli died I often had nightmares or woke up in cold sweats as my body readjusted to not needing to use the milk it had stored up. It was so painful that even when I was exhausted I often could not fall asleep. Often all my mind would think about is how far along I would be at such and such a point and as my friends whose pregnancies mirrored mine began having their healthy happy babies the ache in my heart grew. I ached and longed for Joeli to be growing healthy within me and she was not. She was gone, forever. It's an ache like you cannot understand unless you've experienced it. I wish it upon NO ONE.
I have so many other thoughts concerning losing a child....but for now I must rest my heavy hands and lighten my heart a bit and spend time with the miraculous blessings God has restored my soul with.
Love,
Aberdabberdoo
Psalm 127:3
Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.
Monday, June 4, 2012
His hands...OR...HIS FACE
Some days I will admit, I am so "down". I can't blame it on any one thing. I can't blame it on my physical ailments that weigh on me. I can't blame it on my hormones. I can't blame it on others. I can't blame it on my life, my losses, my hurts, my insecurities, my fears. I can't even blame it on anything.
Except...
Well, I can blame it on where my eyes are. Or more aptly spoken, where the eyes of my heart are. Are they looking to the hands of God? Or are they looking to His face?
For a few years now one phrase that has been running circles in my head and heart is, "Seek God's FACE not His hands".
As I look back over my past few years it has been a time in my life filled with very many "let downs". Very many times where my faith has been tested. Where I have prayed, asked and sought Him on my knees through eyes sore with tears. Tears that begged for healing physically. Tears that begged for emotional healing in secret places. Tears that pleaded for a broken brother to be made whole and to find freedom from his battles. Tears that longed for the day to be redone so my sister did not have to suffer the devastation of divorce and neglect and being torn down. Tears that wished for another day, another moment to hold my daughter even if within my womb and whisper the words, "I love you!" again. I could have lost hope and faith a long time ago already if I was only looking to the "answers" and not to The Answer.
Hebrews 11:1
[ Faith in Action ] Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
I don't know for sure if this theme is for me or for the ones God lays on my heart in regard to it but the theme also has showed up several times in my heart, in my happenings and in sermons lately about how the nation of Israel waited and believed and hoped for and had faith for things that most of them never even saw come to pass...yet they held on, they believed.
Hebrews 11: 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
So, scream it if you must. Whisper if you need to. BUT, no matter what, KNOW IT...YOU are a stranger. I am a stranger. We aren't meant for here! We aren't meant for this life, this broken, hurting, lost, lonely, one frie short of a happy meal life. We're meant for MORE THAN THIS!!!!
2 Corinthians 4:16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
So, as, Hebrews 10:25, says, "Don't give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Let's remember to encourage one another that we are strangers here. Let's walk together through the difficult days and rejoice together through the triumphant days! Let's sing together in the sunshine and cry together in the rain. Let's pray together each time we have chance and let's dance together when we hear the music. Let's be real, take off our shades and let's "love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1st Peter 4:8.
Much love and hope,
Abberdabberdoo :)
~If only every day, every moment, my face gazed upon His~
Except...
Well, I can blame it on where my eyes are. Or more aptly spoken, where the eyes of my heart are. Are they looking to the hands of God? Or are they looking to His face?
For a few years now one phrase that has been running circles in my head and heart is, "Seek God's FACE not His hands".
As I look back over my past few years it has been a time in my life filled with very many "let downs". Very many times where my faith has been tested. Where I have prayed, asked and sought Him on my knees through eyes sore with tears. Tears that begged for healing physically. Tears that begged for emotional healing in secret places. Tears that pleaded for a broken brother to be made whole and to find freedom from his battles. Tears that longed for the day to be redone so my sister did not have to suffer the devastation of divorce and neglect and being torn down. Tears that wished for another day, another moment to hold my daughter even if within my womb and whisper the words, "I love you!" again. I could have lost hope and faith a long time ago already if I was only looking to the "answers" and not to The Answer.
Hebrews 11:1
[ Faith in Action ] Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
I don't know for sure if this theme is for me or for the ones God lays on my heart in regard to it but the theme also has showed up several times in my heart, in my happenings and in sermons lately about how the nation of Israel waited and believed and hoped for and had faith for things that most of them never even saw come to pass...yet they held on, they believed.
Hebrews 11: 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
So, scream it if you must. Whisper if you need to. BUT, no matter what, KNOW IT...YOU are a stranger. I am a stranger. We aren't meant for here! We aren't meant for this life, this broken, hurting, lost, lonely, one frie short of a happy meal life. We're meant for MORE THAN THIS!!!!
2 Corinthians 4:16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
So, as, Hebrews 10:25, says, "Don't give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Let's remember to encourage one another that we are strangers here. Let's walk together through the difficult days and rejoice together through the triumphant days! Let's sing together in the sunshine and cry together in the rain. Let's pray together each time we have chance and let's dance together when we hear the music. Let's be real, take off our shades and let's "love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1st Peter 4:8.
Much love and hope,
Abberdabberdoo :)
~If only every day, every moment, my face gazed upon His~
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