My Nasty Cabin Photograph

No, not this photograph. This one actually is rather sweet and nostalgic because it was taken the second month of my pregnancy with our last little Caboose. The nasty cabin photograph I am talking about is rather embarrassing and regretted, yet equally as memorable.

And so the story I want to share with you about THIS past weekend (which reminded me of THAT weekend-the one when the regretted photograph was taken) goes like this:

So, it was Monday morning. We were about to be packing up, cleaning up and readying to leave the cabin and head home. Seana, as usual, had gotten up super early before anyone else was even awake. The moment I came out into the main area of the cabin (*sidenote: it's essentially a 2 room rustic hunting cabin, there is no electricity or running water aside from the cool rigged up running water spouts my Uncle created and oh OH, the outhouse...yea that's not running water! I know!! Anyway, I digress...) she approached me with a very frustrated and angry look on her face. She snarled quietly at me, "WHO did this?" as she pointed over to a mess on the floor of the kitchen area. I could barely make out, through my sleepy, dirt-laden eyes, the plastic grocery bag with paper and plastic all strewn everywhere with fake guns and the pops laying there. I looked at it and then back to her and said, "I don't know." Clearly she was not satisfied with that answer and realized I was not understanding what she meant, so she clarified, "NO, WHO took Seth's gun (our neighbor boy whom they each love dearly and had purchased and set aside a play gun for) out of the wrap?" "Oh!", I said, "I did because Carter and Jemma were fighting over a gun so I just figured since I did not see any others laying around I would open the one in the bag that was left so that they would stop fighting."

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?", she asked in a now extremely irritated and bitter tone.

I went on to explain further the situation and my thought that it was not that big of a deal and that Seth would gladly receive the gun whether or not it was still in its packaging. This was completely unacceptable to her (especially in her overly tired state). She stormed off and out the door in a tizzy. She was also upset that some of the pops she thought should be in the bag were missing. She went frantically looking for them outside-slamming things, ripping at car doors that were locked trying to get inside and see if she could find whatever it was she was looking for exactly...AND, looking at me like the I was the devil incarnate. ;0 ;)

It was then that I realized this was like deja vu. I was her, or she was me in my younger days. This almost exact same scenario in this exact location-the cabin- had played out when I was about 14. So, I decided I could run from it and pretend I was above that and did not need to go any further with this and just let it be what it is OR I could go and humbly share my own story-my embarrassment and regrets-with Seana and let her know how my regretful behavior and attitude turned out to be for me.

So, I tried to take her hand and ask her to come with me so that we could sit outside in the back of the trailer and talk together. She ripped her hand back from mine and looked at me with her angry face. I told her that hurt. I told her I wanted to have a talk and that she should hear a story I think she can relate to.

So, reluctantly she followed me to my dad's trailer and we sat on that dusty trailer and we talked-well, mostly I talked.

And so I said, "Seana, I want to tell you about my nasty cabin photograph.

I want to tell you about a time when, like you, I was so so angry at my mom. But, I'll tell you what... looking back now, I can't even tell you what I was angry about. All I remember is that it was the last day of our trip and we were packing up to head home. Just like us, today. And that look on your face right now, that was the same look I wore on my face that day too. But you know what? That weekend was actually quite amazing. We had a little foster boy, my foster brother named Josh along. And I was SO excited to show him everything I loved about the cabin that weekend. So, I took him on hikes to the salamander pond. I showed him how to break sticks into walking-stick size. I roasted marsh-mellows over the fire with him and we did all my favorite cabin things together. It was AMAZING!

But...

But, that very last day, as we packed to leave I got angry at my mom about something. And so I had a terrible attitude and wore a sour, angry mean nasty look on my face for a little bit that afternoon. And, of course, they wanted to take a final family cabin photograph. And you know what...I remember that photograph better than any other. I was wearing my shorts, a bandana to hide my lovely cabin hair, and crossed arms and a cross look on my face, as well. The saddest part of it all may be that everyone else sees that picture now and assumes that it depicts the weekend. But it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't at all. Not even a bit. I regret so much that I could not control my emotions and choose to forgive and release my anger sooner. And now it is burned onto a photograph for all to remember for all of time."

Sadie soon joined our little mama-daughter talk, so I looked those two gorgeous girls in the eyes and I told them about my struggle to manage my emotions. I told them that as women we have the gift of emotions. We have the struggle of emotions, too. I told them that I wished I had learned earlier in my days to PRAY about my emotions and the struggles I face. I told them I wished I had worked at it more willed and purposefully to give God my emotions and INVITE Him into my emotions when I was younger. This year I have purposed to INVITE God into my emotions and to ask Him to be leading them more. I have failed. But, unlike before, I have actually noticed my failures sooner and prayed more readily for help from the Lord to work in me and help me master them to His glory.

As these past few weeks have gone by I have had several family struggles. Opportunities to practice this purposing I have set out in. At times, I have had to manage my emotional responses. At times I have had to reflect and allow God to work in my heart. This week I have had times when I have had to release emotions and allow Him to carve me better into who He is calling me to be. Times when I've failed and times when I have grown and times when I have recognized emotional responses and been able to ask God ahead of time to help and guide and lead and times when I have not recognized soon enough. But, I consider this a win that I am recognizing at all. He is working in me. We are all being pruned by the Gardener and boy am I ever grateful for those willing to find grace in their heart for me while I'm in my pruning! And I find myself especially filled with gratitude for my tender Gardener over these past few weeks in particular. That in all my weed-filled moments, He tenderly, carefully and gently removes the thorns from my life and surrounds me with well watered and nurturing soil. He crafts me into His lovely creation despite my weak and needy state.

This song is on my heart tonight so I want to share it in closing.

All my love,

Keep on building Him a temple-healthy, whole, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically,

~Abi

What a Friend we have in Jesus,   All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry   Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit,   O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry   Everything to God in prayer! Have we trials or temptations is there trouble anywhere? we should never be discouraged. take it to the Lord in prayer. can we find a friend so faithful? who, will all our sorrows share... Jesus knows our every weakness take it to the Lord in prayer. Are we weak and heavy-laden cumbered with a load of care? Precious savior still our refuge-- take it to the Lord in prayer. Do thy friends despise-forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer. In His arms He'll take and shield thee Thou wilt find a solace there.

Crown of Thorns and Mother's Day

Yesterday I spent the day planting apple trees with my mom. It was a great time of reflecting on the hard work of motherhood, and bonding together. Digging holes to plant several shrubs, also, left my hands worn, though. As if that weren't enough, I went home and proceeded to uproot several bushes and then got into the "real work". Seeing as we dove into a fixer upper last year, this year we are still doing so much work to rid the property of some very thick brush. Part of that has been removing some huge thorn bushes. The bushes themselves are huge, and the thorns on them, lets just say I've never seen thorns this large in my life.

As I worked very hard to do my best to remove the thorn bushes I found myself stuck several times. I was entangled in briars so thick and hideous I often wondered which direction to pull to work towards freedom. At one point I was bending down very low to saw off the bottom of some thorn stumps and vines (that were also like something from Princess Bride-forget ROUS, this is VOUS vines of unusual size and TOUS thorns of unusual size). When I went to look up, the back of my head caught one of the large thorns and before I knew it, I had it lodged into my scalp. Removal was fun. *cue sarcasm*

This morning, as I ran a beautiful leisurely Mother's Day 2 miler, I was looking back on the beating I took yesterday. I'm covered in scratches and of course poison ivy as well-happy Mother's Day to me haha! As I reflected, it became clear that God was reminding me that Jesus too, took a beating to give me life. See as I clear the flower bed out I am allowing life to grow. Instead of being trapped or tangled or strangled out by thorns, clearing is giving the beautiful and healthy bushes and trees opportunity to thrive. Jesus Himself, wore a crown of thorns. Texting this weekend with some of the most wonderful friends and moms I know, we discussed deep loss. We shared our hearts and our hurts. And I was reminded this morning the first few Mother's Days after losing Joeli. How trapped in sorrow and circumstance I was. The feeling of being trapped by the one thorn stuck in my scalp was a good analogy. Those thoughts of, "where do I start?". "How will I get out of this?".  This one thorn though, seems to pale in comparison to how Jesus must have felt-so trapped and bleeding with many thorns stuck every which direction into his sinless scalp. This man, He knew what it was to face insult, persecution, feel trapped, lonely, bruised, worn, emptied, helpless and abandoned. He hung in the weight of deep loss. He knew sorrow and suffering. He was acquainted with grief. He bore it all to bear life. He bore it all to give me-us life. He bore it all to bear great hope upon my soul.

And so, as I thought about this great sacrifice of love and life my Savior gives, I thought about all the times I have been blessed to also give life to my children. I thought about the scars I bear, the stretching I've endured, the "thorns" I've worn. And they all do pale in comparison to His great testimony of sacrifice, faithfulness and love. But I strive for being poured out in love, as He has exemplified.

So, today I am ever grateful for the crown of thorns, the gift of life He gives, to show me how to better be the humble servant-mother He is calling me to be. I am thankful for His ability to sympathize with my own weaknesses and His acquaintance with grief and His ability to know how rejection feels. His hope-filled promise of restoration!

Be blessed today as you celebrate motherhood!

~Abi

Isaiah 53 New Living Translation (NLT)

53 Who has believed our message?
    To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
2 My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
    like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
    nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
    a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
    We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
    the sins of us all.

7 He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth.
8 Unjustly condemned,
    he was led away.[b]
No one cared that he died without descendants,
    that his life was cut short in midstream.[c]
But he was struck down
    for the rebellion of my people.
9 He had done no wrong
    and had never deceived anyone.
But he was buried like a criminal;
    he was put in a rich man’s grave.

10 But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him
    and cause him grief.
Yet when his life is made an offering for sin,
    he will have many descendants.
He will enjoy a long life,
    and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.
11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish,
    he will be satisfied.
And because of his experience,
    my righteous servant will make it possible
for many to be counted righteous,
    for he will bear all their sins.
12 I will give him the honors of a victorious soldier,
    because he exposed himself to death.
He was counted among the rebels.
    He bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels.