Love.

The burden.

The weight.

It rests on me.

I try to let it go or refocus my thoughts or shift them.

But still it remains.

Heavy on me.

Like a dull beating drum.

Like the panting of a race horse after the heat.

Love has become lie.

Fiercely drown out is truth.

Sincerity disparity God gives us clarity.

I don't know a single father who would let their son wander to the edge of a chasm

Or one single mother who would be acting in love to let them explore beyond the boundary

Where safety is threatened

But freedom has beckoned

Is it freedom at all though, past the edge, off the ledge?

Many of us pledge we walk in love

But like Chris Rice sang,

"sometimes Love has to drive a nail into His own hand."

Love, sincere love, hates what is evil, clings to good.

Love, sincere love, sacrifices, repents, forgives,

Walks humbly, justly, rightly

Lays itself, self, I said self, down

Fully ready and expectant, expectant, I said expectant

To stand in truth, to stand, stand, I said stand

Love, sincere love, recognizes the great cost involved with true love

It bows low regularly,

Leaving the burden

The weight

Rest on me

Like a freedom, freedom, I said freedom that is truly not free

This freedom cost Him everything

And left me with the greatest gift

The only of three to remain

Faith, hope

And

Love.

Relying Upon Him-He is ABLE

My heart on paper.

Some days I can feel so alone. Some days I can feel so inadequate, incapable, insecure. Feelings shift and change day to day, moment to moment. I'm thankful my feelings change. I'm thankful for being a creation made to experience different emotions, thoughts, feelings. Yet, managing my thoughts, feelings and emotions in a godly way is often a task that feels too high a call; too steep a climb.

I was excited and happy to have our first day of co op. Yet I knowingly was behind on some "tasks" "due" today or before. So, I was feeling a bit ashamed and insecure. If I'm honest, feeling rather incapable also. Raising four precious lives to know, trust and walk with God through their own journey is a big under taking. I do not for a moment take the responsibility lightly or without acknowledgement of the privilege and weight it brings. And sometimes, some days, it all just compounds and I feel "the weight of the world on my shoulders". But I try to trudge along. Picking up my weak and needy feet off the floor and foraging forward.

Today I was reminded of my desperation. My desperation for a God who walks WITH ME in my inadequacies and failures and in my weaknesses and struggles; He walks with me through IT ALL! I was reminded of the importance to cry out to Him! I love the song and proverb that go:

Lean not on your own understanding in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight... Don't worry about tomorrow, He's got it under control. Just trust in The Lord with all of your heart and He will carry you through!

This morning at co-op the woman in charge of co-op's prayer room shared the vision of trying to fly a kite on our own without wind. She shared how the little child may be very excited and may run and throw the kite high into the air expecting it to soar. Yet without the wind it goes only so far. But on a day with great wind the kite can fly and soar and go above all we've expected. Our day without the Holy Spirits help and guidance is much like a day trying to fly a kite without wind. We may be able to accomplish some, but when we invite the Holy Spirit to help He guides and supplies the flight/strength and ABLE-ity to our day! He is ABLE! This vision struck me also because the woman who shared it lost her husband in a sudden farming accident last year and now raises and homeschools her children "alone". But she has a Help, the Holy Spirit! I shed a few tears and again was reminded by My Helper-The Holy Spirit to NOT go it alone but to rely upon Him!

He is ABLE!

I pray that if you're reading this today and feeling like your kite is just too heavy or you just can't go it alone, that you know you don't have to! Invite Him in! He LONGS to go with you on this journey!

Love,
Abi

A Lesson In Faith and Hope

This blog post has been a long time coming.

Awhile ago Joeby and I were going on a "date"... As we drove away from the house, he looked up at the dvd player in the van (which had been known to us as "broken" for awhile now) and he said, "Mommy, lets watch a movie!" So, I told him, "Buddy, don't you remember, that has been broken for awhile now." He quickly responded, "I know Mom, but Jesus can heal it!"

My initial response was both shock and pride. My son's faith was strong and right on! Jesus could heal it!

So, without hesitation I said, "You know what Buddy, you're right! And Jesus loves when we have great faith and He works mightily when we step out in faith so let's pray together for Jesus to touch our dvd player." *mind you, this is not the first time we have prayed over "silly little" issues with our car in particular and we have seen amazing miracles in even the *silly little* things. My initial thought was, "Hey maybe God is using this as a time to show Himself to my son as he has such faith in His power!"

But, this time as we finished praying and I opened the dvd player up and put in a dvd there was no change.

Blank screen and blank faces.

This reminded me of a valuable life lesson.

What do we do when our God "fails" us or in the very least, "fails" to answer our requests?

Faith in our circumstances will almost always let us down and leave us with questions.

Faith in our God will always leave us with hope and filled with trust and joy and peace.

Sometimes faith is grown, tested and shown most in the circumstances when we have seen the least "answered" prayer. It is not always the times when we've seen the most miraculous happen, but when we have seen the least happening and still we hold unswervingly to the faith we have in Christ.

Hebrews 10:23New Living Translation (NLT)

23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

or this version

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

The most extreme example of this I've experienced in my own life has been when we lost Joeli. I feel sometimes like I'm always talking about her, but she has truly taught me so much I can't help but talk about the many things I have learned and ways I have grown through that time in my life. Anyway, when we found out we had lost her I remember being wheeled down that dark somber hospital hall and I felt bad for the nurse, because I didn't know if it would be awkward or not but everything in within my heart and soul was crying out to speak to God out loud in this dark time. So I asked her, "Do you mind if I pray out loud?" She said no and so I began just laying everything before God. I remember telling Him I knew He could even resurrect Joeli if He saw fit, but that I would trust Him and that ultimately I knew she was His and He has a plan even in this most difficult time. I told Him I would trust Him no matter what and my faith would not end in who He is and what He is able to do. Through that time my faith grew in unimaginable ways. I developed a fervor and boldness for the Lord. I grew in ways I know could have been accomplished outside of losing my daughter, but because of this time in my life and my desperate need and longing for Christs hope and truth I grew much. 

Sometimes the miracle is miraculous healing, and other times the miracle is holding on to our faith even when the miracle does not happen. I would argue, the greatest miracle is a deepening faith in the One who holds our very heartbeat in His grasp! 

And so, as all this was running through my mind I used this time as a life lesson for my sweet faith-filled son. I told him how sometimes God answers our prayers and sometimes He does not. But, He never changes and He is faithful to us and knows what is best for us and He loves us! So, when we face times of unanswered prayer, we can keep crying out to Him for miracles, but we can also trust Him when the miraculous does not yet happen that He is working on our behalf. And, we can lean in closer to Him for a deepening faith. 

And in telling my son these truths, it reminded my own heart to be aware. What am I putting my hope and faith in?

God, or circumstances?

So today, I want to ask you the same question friend. What are you putting your hope and faith in; God, or your circumstances? 

Much love,

Abi

T.O.H toh toh a word from God on perspective and vision

Tonight on my run I had a lot of time to quiet my thoughts and listen for God. It's one big reason I LOVE running. At about 1/2 into the 10 mile run I saw a banner that said 

T.O.H 

Toh 

Toh 

 in descending order. At the third toh my brain kicked into backwards mode and computed that what I was seeing was actually a banner from the wrong perspective... From the right direction it would have read 

H.O.T

Hot

Hot

Makes a lot more sense now doesn't it? At about 3/4 into my run I was still asking God to speak to my heart and write something on my "blank slate". That's when He spoke to my heart... 

When we don't look at His laws from the right perspective we can't make sense of Him or what and why He may be saying it. His word and His laws may seem confusing or no longer relevant to our society... But I would ask, are we looking at things from the right perspective? Maybe we need to ask God to help us adjust the way we are looking at things so we can see from His perspective tonight. 

After God spoke, I started thanking Him for opening my eyes and giving my heart vision to see what He is saying to me. And don't you know the next moment I was clasping my eye as the tiniest gnat flew in and clouded my view and made it difficult to even take the next step let alone finish my "race"... 

It immediately reminded me to stay humble and immediately reminded me of the scripture, "you were running a good race who cut in on you?!" Before when I would think about that verse I always envisioned like a big obstacle or person of much distraction and persuasion cutting in on me and keeping me from "finishing my race". Yet tonight I was reminded that more often than not, it is actually the inconspicuous tiny gnats that "cut in on us" and keep us from running a good race. 

So God said don't let it take for you to get to the final word Toh for you to finally see truth the way I see it. 

And God said, girl you better keep seeking Me, keep Running after me, keep Searching for my truth and humbly checking your vision that you understand my ways my words my heart from MY perspective and NOT your own!

It's funny but when God talks to me I often hear Him talking like a gal pal would... Hence the "GIRL you better";) line ha

Check your vision, ask God tonight, God what may I be looking at from my human limited perspective and need your help adjusting my sight and perspective on so that I can see truth clearly from Your way? Humble my heart and help me lean info You above my own understanding. Thank you for who you are and I trust and hope in You alone! In Jesus name amen!

Pickling recipe

Step one: prepare About 16 cups of cut cukes (can add broccoli as desired too) and 1 1/2 onions (fills one lg metal bowl)
Cover with 1/3 C salt and ice and fridge for 3 Hr. Or just refrigerate overnight.

Step two: Boil canning pot

Step three: Boil pickling mixture:
10 1/2 C part white vinegar and about 3 C/one small container of apple cider vinegar
7 C gran. sugar
6 C organic cane sugar
6 tsp celery seed
3 + tsp mustard seed
2 + tsp black peppercorns

Step four: Fill six pint size jars as full as possible with prepared cukes

Step five: pour boiled pickling mix over cukes to just below neck of jar

Step six: tightly place lids on jars and boil 25 min with 2 in. Water over tops of lids.

Judge me!

Just some some thoughts while mowing the lawn tonight and after a conversation with my brother...
A memory verse from my college days keeps running through my mind this week...

Colossians 2:8New Living Translation (NLT)

8 Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers[a] of this world, rather than from Christ.

I remember that class pretty well. My college professor, Mrs. Allshouse shared truth in love. Sometimes I didn't like hearing it very much, like the time she told me my dress was too low cut... But when she shared truth, she always always tried to do so from the loving lense of Gods word and His truth in hopes of guiding our hearts closer to His --even if hearing certain truth hurt a bit. Especially that dress, because it made me feel and look good... But alas, I recognized the truth she was trying to teach my heart was to love others above myself by protecting hearts not setting them forth to stumble and ultimately love God above myself by laying down my desires to glorify Him.
I hope when I die someday people will say of me that, like Mrs. Allshouse, I was willing to speak biblical truth lovingly in hopes of guiding hearts nearer their Maker, in love, gentleness and humility but even knowing it may sting a bit at times too. I've already failed at this in seasons though, allowing the evil spirit of deception to mascarade as love in my silence or acceptance or unclear ways rather than gentle correction and loving truth, I truly led way to hate. I've also failed in seasons of my own misguided heart making me incapable of leading hearts when my own was so distant from Christ.

Now, onto talking with my brother... Tonight he shared with me he is 90 days free and clean! Sobriety has been a journey for him. I believe walking in freedom is a journey for us all! We will have our ups and our downs. But anyway, he said something I thought very profound... He said that the group he is a part of made him very angry last week. He was like, "they said some things that were very judging...and they kinda judged me... And it hurt. And I was so angry. But what they said was true and when I went away and thought about it, eventually I realized they were right." As our conversation went on he continued to explain that this was really difficult for him... For him to be talked to in these ways and to then recognize the bad parts in himself and then after recognizing the truth in the hurting things that were brought to light, seeing the need to change if he wanted to move forward and be better for it... It was so difficult for him. But he chose to do so and he is seeing he is gonna have to work on this more still. Judgement and condemnation are two very different things.

Christians, Christ followers, Jesus lovers, we must learn the difference between the two and be willing as well as be able and in a spiritually healthy place to judge our brothers and sisters in Christ AND, I will say it again, AND, we must be eager to RECEIVE judgement ourselves. So that like my brother, we can grow and be changed, stronger, better for it!

Dear brothers and sisters, there are two very deceptive and hollow philosophies (even a spirit blinding many) many have bought into.
1. LOVE must be free from judgment, boundaries, discipline, and consequences to be true love.
2. To be silent, absent or vague on any front is more loving than simply sharing truth no matter what the medium whether through doctrine, through microphone, through book or written word, through media or social media, through photography, through music, whatever it is and wherever you are, "in season and out of season" be ready to be salt and light BECAUSE oh how this dying world NEEDS it so desperately...

A dark day, comforted in breath from the Creator and Comforter

It's hard to imagine that on this exact date seven years ago my heart was so heavy I wasn't sure how I could even face this day. It was the day our precious Joeli Grace was due. But she had gone to be with Jesus just five months earlier. Today, as I reflect on those heavy days-like today were for me-I am also thinking about friends who have just suffered the loss of their baby. The weight of the world rests on your shoulders and in those moments it feels as though you are suffocating from the inside. I described it to a friend as having a limb lost  (although of course I have not personally experienced this, I imagine the analogy parallels in more ways than one) and though you know you can go on, you also know you will have to re-learn how to walk and function and your "going on" will be all new now. It will be painful and time will seem to be stuck. Some reach out and tell you they care, yet in their next breath and probably without even understanding or recognizing it, they complain about their "children" or their laundry. And so you think to yourself, "oh how I wish all I had to be "upset" about right now was laundry."... And you wish they could take more than a moment to "mourn with those who mourn". Then there were those who truly did take more than a moment out of their routine and life to stop in and just tell you they are doing your dishes and bringing your heavy hearted, unwashed haired, swollen eyed, broken self a meal.  

Today, I am so grateful to be on the other side of the most painful times of our grief journey. We have struggled through the immense fear and questioning of bearing subsequent children. And we have seen joy and peace and hope restored on the other side. We have waited and prayed and still longed for our healing and strengthening and continued faith building through the loss of our dear Joeli Grace. And we have been upheld by much support, many prayers and by The Word and Promise of our Lord Jesus Christ. We often say how we wonder how anyone goes through this type of loss without hope in Christ and the promise of His word. 

People often ask me how to support someone  who has suffered loss or is in a painful situation. The best advice I think I can offer is this. Stop. Stop what you have going on. Stop thinking like yourself. Take a moment to think like they may be. Stop living like you can take one breath without the Creator of that very breath. And melt yourself into Him so that you can pour yourself out for the hurting around you and fill them up with Him! 

My heart and prayers go out to my brothers and sisters who are mourning today. May the Rock who showed Himself to me in a vision of turbulent stormy seas be the same unmoved unshaken Rock for you in your painful journey. Know that you are not alone! The God who suffered even unto death on a cross, has taken the weight of your suffering upon Himself and He did it all to demonstrate faithfulness and promise of His restorative hope we now longfully await. 

And my friends that rejoice today in Gods faithfulness and joy, I rejoice with you too! Yet, may we not be so complacent to forget that we too have faced times of mourning and have been comforted for the purpose of expressing love and strengthening from the Great Hope with which we ourselves have been comforted. Our every breath, from the Comforter Himself. 

It was a dark day. Yet, today, we have found comfort and hope in breath from the Comforter Himself, the Creator of each breath, His promises...

"He gives and takes away, blessed be the Name"