Does God…

 Recently the thought hit me…

Does God care about me when I’m tired? As a busy wife and mom this could really probably be rephrased to say, “Does God care about me PERIOD.” *sarcasm* For laughs 😝🤪😂  I’m not much of the sarcastic type though, so there is definitively some truth mixed in there because truthfully, 

I

Am

Tired

A lot! 

Something I believe in the core of my being is that it is not only “okay” to ask questions of God, but it is actually the BEST way to grow and understand and know Him more. I grew up learning from my Grandmother modeling a close friendship with the Holy Spirit. She was one who would say things like, “I lost my glasses. So, I asked the Holy Spirit to show me where they were and He told me, ‘Mary Jane go check the drawer by your bed.’ And sure enough there they were-praise God!” Intimacy with the Holy Spirit is built and wrought often through seasons of deep need, seasons of great uncertainty, of fears, doubts, insecurities, and well the word need truly summed it up best. It is in my longing and my need when His presence has been the truest treasure life could ever offer. And I’ve been afforded some of life’s best treasures quite honestly. Marriage. Children. A home. A career. Education. Etc. But the truest treasure of all is His presence. His presence is always there yet there are seasons just like those around us when the Sun, though still shining brightly as ever, now feels ever lacking heat. In those seasons-be patient. Seasons always change! And in those winter seasons I think is when it’s especially valuable to continue leaning in close to Him and be inquisitive. 

Long story short, ask Him the questions! Even if they feel

Silly

Strange

Or something else.

As I asked the Lord, “Do you care about me when I’m tired?” I felt His tender loving nudge reminding me through a question right back to me.

“Do you care about your child when they are tired?” 

The answer to that question, as I’m feeling compassion, tender loving care, extra helpful toward my son while he battled the morning drudgery of school prep… was a resounding AHA—YES! 

I could see immediately how deeply my sinful broken heart CARED for my tired child and I instantly felt Gods loving embrace wrapping around me to say, “Child, I CARE!” 

I knew in my head He cared. But I needed to know in my emotional self of His tender mercies anew. 

”Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119‬:‭77‬ ‭NLT‬‬

”The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.“

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭22‬-23 ‭NLT‬‬ 

I love this thought about His mercies on me beginning afresh each morning because I can so easily feel I’ve run those mercies out yesterday and He probably needs (regarding me) to start afresh. He knows I have so much continued growth and pruning yet needed in my life. Yet He bears with me and stands open armed toward me each morning with all my tiredness, fatigue and need and He says, “Do you need a hug and help getting lunch together? I’m here for you, let me help!” 

He CARES about me when I’m tired. Yes. And He cares about you too in whatever need you’ve got, bring it to Him and know His mercies are new every day! 

Blessings, 

Abi 

‭

Stinky Armpits and Nose Hairs

 What do stinky armpits and nose hairs have to do with one another you might ask… well, let me dive in. 

When I was a little girl my grandparents made it a regular stop from Lebanon to Lancaster to come and do yard work and cleaning for my parents. My Grandma was a workhorse. Not only did she work hard, but she also expected US to work hard too. Gasp! In fact, when Grandma was coming we would often see her through our front window walking down the stone walkway toward our front door and loudly exclaim to one another, “Grandma’s coming! Quick, HIDE!” We would then quickly find the nearest hiding spot or run for our lives. Insert uproarious laughter. Otherwise, Grandma, upon spotting us would promptly tell us our immediate tasks and expect us to leap into action. And believe me, had we chosen not to adhere we would have a swift stern talking to which was not something you wanted to get from “the Gym Teacher” voice of Grandma. 

So anyway, back to what stinky armpits and nose hairs have in common… Grandma came inside from one hot summer day of weed whacking and sat me down beside her (and I did love my Grandma, so I leaned in close) while she sipped her regular choice of iced coke. And boy, when I leaned in close let me tell you, that-day-she-STUNK! So, my honest little self exclaimed without hesitation, “Grandma, your armpits STINK!” Well, that phrase became a joke throughout my childhood and even into my adulthood. Suffice it to say, I don’t typically lie or fluff the truth. If you stink, you stink. And, you might hear it from me 🤪 

Now, flash forward to just a few months ago. I was visiting my niece after a cleaning job and I decided this was the perfect time to tell her my “stinky armpits” story from when I was a child and tell her she may not want to lean in too close to Aunt Abi either right now… And to my utter shock, without missing a beat, the moment I finished my story, with her eyes peering up at me she boldly exclaimed, “Aunt Abi why do you have such huge nose hairs?” WHAT?! Me?! Nose hairs?! Huge?! Oh. My. Word! I mean stinky armpits I can handle that truth, but out of nowhere I’m now ashamedly aware that I apparently have humongous nose hairs I need to go home and pluck. Yes, my niece is my mini! Lord help me! Plucking nose hairs, for those of you who are blessed enough not to know,  ensues the worst pain and tears almost nearing childbirth <<EXAGGERATION WARNING>> 🤣 

Ironically, just before my lovely niece made me so ghastly aware of something (I was ignoring about myself apparently) I had just shared with a women's group the weekend prior about how valuable it is to have people in our lives who are willing to risk hurting us to simply speak truth into our lives. It’s important to not only accept others view of us into our lives but to actually take time, opportunity and to purpose and intentionally lean in to those around us and ask tough questions about ourselves from time to time. To learn. To grow. To be challenged. To be shaped. To be changed. To sharpen and to remove things from our lives that may be branches that we really ought to allow to be pruned. Without a mirror though, it’s hard to see sometimes that yesterdays mascara isn’t fully off your face and you subsequently have major raccoon eyes. BUT, if you look at the mirror——HELLO RACOON! It’s a quick reminder—Hey, I should probably go remove yesterdays make up. Likewise, how would we know our armpits stink or our nose hairs need a pluckin’ if someone near——KEY WORD— NEAR—  us isn’t willing to be HONEST OR if we, aren’t willing to ask or accept that very honesty! 

“For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭24‬-‭25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I want to challenge and encourage us this week to consider not only accepting truths about ourselves from those near us, but to actually purpose and be intentional on ASKING those nearest us tough questions. You may caveat the ask with something like, “Remember, I’m sensitive so go easy on me, ya know, maybe start with something you see me doing right and well and THEN share gently something you notice that I could lean into Jesus more and be willing to rid from my life, pray about, or to work on!” But don’t NOT ask. Yup! Double negative;) do you love me now lol! But yes, ask tough questions and invite people in NEAR to see what maybe you’re missing in the mirror yourself and don’t let your blind spots keep you stuck in rooted yuck. 

Let the yuck go so you can grow! 

We are so much better when we are excited for opportunities to grow and change! I’m so excited to see how we continue growing into better stronger wives, husbands, children, friends, co-workers, worshippers, etc… let’s pluck those nose hairs, clean those pits and not forget yesterday’s mascara ladies 😂🤪

. 

Blessings, 

Abi 

Praise Sunday

 I’ve been thinking recently about the state of depression and brokenness of so many around me and of my own soul. As I pondered where things lie for so many, and as I have started praying for a restoration of the JOY of my salvation, my thoughts have led me to recall the place that GRATITUDE and PRAISE have in my life. To recall the very real fact that CHOOSING to praise can change my attitude, my outlook, my mindset and my strength. It repurposes the energy of doubt, fear, disillusionment, heartache and pain and puts all of that energy into HOPE and into HIM—eyes fixed on His strength and promises even when we are weak or in seasons of long suffering can be such a game changer. Choosing to praise not for good circumstances but for good Promises and trusting the bigger picture of Gods plans not my limited vision. 

As I thought about all of that, I was reminded of an AMAZING Sunday activity our church used to do when I was a young kid. We went to Petra Christian Fellowship in New Holland. They led this special Sunday that they called Praise Sunday. Praise Sunday was open mic. Praise Sunday was incredible! Even as a child I looked forward in joyful expectation to that special Sunday. Also, on Praise Sunday it was known you might end up sitting through some of the long-winded silly people who would ramble on and on praise Sunday after praise Sunday. BUT, it was also known that you would sit through some incredible, unbelievable, amazing, encouraging testimonies from people lives about THE WORK OF GOD! I don’t know anything more encouraging then hearing about how God is working in my friends and family’s lives, and in His Church! 

And so what do ya know?! It just so happens… (More and more I’m realizing how really nothing is “just so happens”… instead, It’s more and more visible that Gods hand is in every small detail of our lives!) Here I was pondering this the past two weeks and then at church on Sunday my friend and worship leader Lauren decided to prompt us all to SHARE how God is working in our lives recently! What do ya know, PRAISE SUNDAY!! And can I just tell you… I got goosebumps! And I was so encouraged! I was SO ENCOURAGED! I left that room FILLED with HOPE! I needed that! I NEED more of that! And I think truly WE need MORE of that! Can we take time to SHARE more regularly with one another how God is working and speaking to us?! Let’s be intentional to do that with one another! Let’s prompt one another! Let’s ask one another, “How is God working in your life recently? What do you hear God speaking to you recently?” 

Also, can we bring back PRAISE SUNDAY?! Who cares about the silly ramblers 😆😂 Even as a child I knew that my spiritual vitality grew from praise Sunday. Even as a child I longed for my cup to be filled and for my hope to abound! Even as a child I looked forward in great joyful anticipation to hearing more about Gods ACTIVE, LIVING role in our broken  needy world. 

Please share with me how God is working and speaking in your life! I’d LOVE to hear ♥️🙏 

Blessings, 

Abi 

The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease

 There is an old saying… 

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Ever heard it? Ever seen it play itself out in your world? 

In my world it plays itself out within the context of my family. One of my kiddos, who shall remain nameless, often asks for things. Things like, time. Things like items at the store. Things like help with things they don’t even really need help with. Basically, just like the meaning of the saying… because said kiddo asks… said kiddo often (and sometimes I think MORE often than our other kiddos) receives. It’s not that this child is favored above the rest, though our kids do enjoy speculating that we have favorites. We, I’m sure falter, but we do work hard to distribute our love and show our love and favor equally among our kids. Nonetheless, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?! 

As I was thinking about this recently the Holy Spirit reminded me of the scripture from Matthew 7:7-11

7 “Ask and it will be given to you;(E) seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds;(F) and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts(G) to those who ask him! 

I love this passage because it reminds me of Gods heart for me. I’m definitely aware of how flawed my parenting is. On the daily I see my weaknesses and failures and my need to rely on Gods grace and my kids grace too! But this passage reminds me of how much I long to be a giver of good gifts to my children and if that is my evil hearts longing then how much MORE will my Good God be FOR me and intending good gifts unto me?

Pondering this old saying, I am also reminded of this parable Jesus told from Luke 18.

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.(A)2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought.3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice(B)against my adversary.’

4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”(C)

6 And the Lord(D) said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out(E) to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man(F) comes,(G) will he find faith on the earth?”

As I read this passage I feel like Jesus is saying repeatedly, “Look—this judge isn’t even just or good… how much MORE will our Good God hear and respond to our requests?!” But interestingly He finished His story with, “will he find faith on the earth?” I believe one of the quickest ways to test how weak or how STRONG our faith is, is to see what happens to faith in the WAIT! Have you ever been in the wait? I have. And it is SO hard! Like fire burning, waves crashing, rocks sliding— HARD! But friend, let us NOT give up! Let us KEEP 

ASKING

SEEKING

KNOCKING

Let us be the squeaky wheel. But not just that. Let us be squeaky wheels 

FILLED WITH FAITH! 

And when we ask, let us come confidently! Our confidence is that His ear is always inclined toward our hearts! 

1st John 5:14 

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 

In closing, as this passage from 1st John encourages us, let us also come to Him in surrender as we ask. I don’t know about you, but in that surrender, I’m reminded WHO I’m surrendered to. To the One who longs to give me good gifts ♥️

I pray you’re blessed even a little bit this morning by these ponderings of my soul. 

-Abi

A Horse and My Rear End

“What’s that about a horse and your rear end?” You ask. Well let’s talk about it. 

In September I did a thing. I ventured out very spur of the moment into two separate half marathon length runs. Both, while pushing my baby in the jogging stroller. Mind you, I’ve never run that far ever pushing any of my babies before. So the feat once alone would have amazed me. But I ventured out, with so much excitement, not once, but twice last month to do so! I know, I’m strange. I actually LIKE running. No, no, I LOVE running! Anyway, all that said, two half marathon length runs give a girl a LOT of time to think. 

I love time to think. I love my running time because it’s one of the most intimate times of Gods voice speaking loud and clear to my finally still and quiet heart and mind. See, in the crazy hard work and striving of my run, it is there my mind finds stillness. And, in the still of my run that is where God can often best meet me—loud and clear! 

So I was thinking. And I was listening. And I was watching. I’m a huge believer in the fact that God speaks directly to us! We just need to believe that more and learn HOW to listen! There are seasons of wait and times that are more quiet, but I am also a believer in the fact that He wants to speak to us! Here are several ways to listen for Gods voice:

1. READ HIS WORD! He is always speaking through His word. It will never disappoint and it will always point us in the right direction! 

2. Talk to a trusted Christ following friend! His voice, through the Holy Spirit, can speak audibly through His Body in some of the most profound, encouraging and amazing ways! 

3. Get your booty to Church! This goes back to point 1 and 2, but in its own rite, going to church is not about being religious or expecting perfection or an experience. Instead, it is about giving yourself more opportunity to hear the Word of God and meet with the Body for edification and encouragement, to hear His voice! 

4. Pray and ask! Spend time talking TO God, asking for more of His voice, but also spend time just being WITH God, quietly waiting on Him to see if the Holy Spirit has something special for YOU! 

5. Let music refresh your soul. I believe there is healing and a transcendence about music that often allows our soul to quiet enough to hear Him! 

6. And finally, LOOK! Nature was created by God and by His Word everything was MADE! I believe He is using His Creation to speak directly to us always. 

I don’t share these insights lightly. My own spirit has craved his voice in this season I’ve been in. I long for more of Him! To feel and know His nearness anew. I pray you’re hungry for His voice too! I pray we never lose our hunger for more of Him! 

So, finally onto the part of the story where I talk about the horse…

I was running past a horse. It was the common tall, brown Lancaster county farmers horse. Nothing special or notable. But I did notice something. I noticed what looked like a mask over the horses eyes. From an initial glance it was black and looked like the horse couldn’t see anything. Immediately I thought about how uncomfortable the horse must be. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m  Lancaster county gal born and bred. And I know what this mask is for and what it’s purpose is. I’m well aware that the intent of the mask is to PROTECT. The mask is there SO THAT the horse does not become infested with flies or infected by them. I know that the fly mask is meant to HELP and keep the horse WELL. BUT, to an outsider, to someone who doesn’t know, who’s not been led to understand or made privy to the knowledge, to them it would look like a cruel and even inhumane torture quite possibly. Why cover the horses eyes? It even looks like they can no longer see well, if at all. It just seems uncomfortable and unnatural. But when you know the intent and purpose of the fly mask it all of the sudden becomes easy to see that it is out of 

Compassion 

And 

Love 

The fly mask is placed by the Master. 

Now I didn’t think too much more of it. After all, I was only on mile 4 and I had another 11 miles to go. So, on I ran. It wasn’t until, I believe around mile 10 or so, that the shadows began to shift, as the sun rose further into the September sky. As the shadows shifted I noticed my shadow. And there it was, bouncing-almost dancing on the road beside me. No, not my shadow alone, but a very specific part of my shadow came into view… it was  

My REAR END! 

You got that right folks. I do have a rear end. Despite being told numerous times throughout my life that this girl ain’t got any junk in the trunk, no baby got back, no——I got treble, ain’t got no bass… YES—in my shadow, I HAVE a rear end. Being silly but not being silly, I actually honestly got a little excited to myself like, ooh! Look! I have a butt! Ha! But now seriously, I started to think. Again, in the quiet of the run I had time to ponder. Why is it that so much FOCUS is put on the body. Yes men face it too, but I would argue as a female, we women have SO much more focus placed on our external appearance throughout life. WHY?! Why is it that our boobs are never the right size, our lips need to be more plump but our thighs jiggle too much? Our hair should be more flowing and full and our nails should never be undone. Why is it that our butts are never the right size—too big, too small, too this too that?! There is SO much FOCUS placed not only on the external for females but now we don’t even know what a female is any longer. Now the FOCUS is on the construct of gender, on sexual identity. There is So Much FOCUS on all these THINGS. At one point I was having a very difficult conversation with a friend who was a female but claimed to be gender confused and felt more like a 5 year old boy. She was also living as a lesbian, and she asked me a question that for her I believe she thought would be very very difficult for me to answer. She said, “If God asked you to surrender your love for Sean and be celibate and never love men, would you do it?” God has not asked this, but, if God asked that of us I would be willing to surrender even my sexuality and my preferences for His calling to be obedient. 

But WHY?! Why would I ever even consider doing that for God? Especially if it’s what makes me happy and feel good? Let’s dive a little deeper. Why and how would I just surrender my wants, my desires, my natural inclinations and follow and obey His Word? 

Well, first let’s talk about our FOCUS! First of all, let’s scale and dial things back a little bit. People in my family like to say, “back up the choo choo”. In other words, don’t get carried away! Our culture and society have spent years being OVER SEXUALIZED! Sex, sexuality, gender and gender roles, the body and what it does or does not look like is thrown in our faces constantly. Social media has amplified this! We see what used to be just billboards and magazines and the occasional ad’s on television, now on a tiny pocket-sized, hand-held device in our hands almost 24/7 shoving the same viper poison down our throats almost non-stop. I didn’t have to go anywhere special as a kid to be told things ranging from I was anorexic, a beanpole to that I had fat Zimmerman thighs (sorry all you other Zimmerman’s out there 🤪), to that I had no butt and pediatric size ears! EVERYTHING seems to FOCUS on the outward appearance! Everything seems to scream 

YOU AREN'T 

OK 

WORTHY 

ENOUGH 

LOVED 

But guess what?! God does NOT say these things nor focus nor want our focus to be on the outward! 

People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1st Samuel 16:7 

We can take great comfort, not only in any flaws insecurities or unmet hopes for our outward appearance being overcome by Gods love but also by His judgment. If He looks at us and judges differently, than I for one am SO grateful! He doesn’t PLACE HIS FOCUS ON my sexuality, my gender identity or my body. He judges and He looks at my heart! How comforting! How encouraging! How redirecting of my own focus!! He does speak to these things in His Word but His focus is ultimately on our heart and our relationship with Him! Everything falls into place as the heart prompts it all. 

So then, back to WHY… why would I surrender anything to God—even my sexuality or gender identity? The answer comes from the knowledge of and the trust in His great and unfailing LOVE and COMPASSION for me! Remember those words from earlier? From what I shared with you about the horse and it’s Master? See Gods word DOES provide boundaries, “fly masks” if you will. His Word lovingly and in kindness gives us warnings like, if you don’t wear this fly mask you might suffer immeasurably with disease, pain, hardships. But instead of the fly mask Gods Word directly addresses the hard topics of today. Like 1st Corinthians 6:18-20 

18Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

We see God’s WHY behind the WHAT when we look into His word. I encourage you to ASK God WHY He gives a law, a boundary or labels a sin you don’t understand. I believe He wants to speak to you giving you knowledge and understanding of the why behind the what! As a parent, I have made it a point to try my best to always do that for my kids. If I set a boundary or restrict them from something I don’t want them to be without the knowledge, the understanding and the WHY behind the WHAT. I believe, like a much better parent than myself, God too wants us to have understanding! Sometimes that understanding or knowledge is us simply but profoundly and humbly being able to “just” surrender and TRUST. To trust His love. To trust His compassion. To trust His kindness. To trust that there must be a reason WHY He “puts the fly mask” on certain things in this world for us.  

Are there things you’ve personally been wrestling with God about recently? Maybe it’s not the fly masks but maybe it is in general your desire to know His heart and intentions more fully. ASK HIM! And then do the work of listening intently in the ways I listed above! He WILL speak to you. I’m so sure! 

So there ya have it. The story of a horse and my rear end. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking around. I am going to try to be better at listening too ♥️ And following His nudges to WRITE again too. 

Blessings, 

Abi 

Brevity

Brevity. 

Brevity can teach one a lot. It can sharpen so much of life into laser point focus. Brevity can also challenge. It can challenge faith and family. Brevity brings with it opportunity to grow and change and gain a new level of closeness to the reality of Heaven. 

One of the hardest and saddest days of my life, June 20th, 2018 brought that brevity. And all it has to offer, with it. 

I remember getting the call from my mom that they didn’t think Jason Asher had much longer, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe it. I really believed now that he had outlasted the many doctors negative predictions or advices for his early demise (aka abortion aka murdering him while he was alive inside my sister in laws womb), that now he would be strong enough to survive the possibility of surgery to correct his LUTO condition. I had SO much hope and not a true understanding of how weak and vulnerable his tiny little body actually was in that NICU in New York. But, when I got the second call from my mom saying similar things again and urging me, if I at all thought I could, (since I was also one of the main caregivers to my Mother-in Law in end-stage MSA-P) to try to come and say my goodbyes to my nephew and see my niece in the NICU as we were unsure how her outcome would be as a preemie, as well. 

Having a nursing infant and on such short notice, I decided the long trip to the NICU, the visit and trip home I would need to bring him with me. My wonderful sister in law on my husbands side of the family came and cared for my Mother in law and my other 4 kids, along with her own 5. I am forever grateful to her for that sacrifice and love she showed that day and always. 

The drive to the hospital was somber and quiet. When we arrived Jesse was asleep and so my dad offered kindly to watch him so that I could go up to the hospital room with my mom to see my brother, his wife and possibly the babies since we knew we wouldn’t be allowed to take my baby into the NICU. 

When we saw them it was just no time to be happy or rejoice, even though they had just delivered beautiful twin babies. The fight for their lives overtook any feelings of joy and replaced it with uncertainty and heartache in the journey at hand. The room was honestly full of sadness and uncertainty. Very shortly after my mom and I arrived in the room my brother got a call on their room phone and it was very evident by his tone things were very very bad. He got off the phone and said Jason had been crashing and they tried to revive him several times and he is barely hanging on. The doctor was urging them to go up and see him and make decisions. Even in that moment, I remember thinking we needed/they needed, to fight for him. It still did not sink in to my heart or head just how fragile he was. My sister-in-law was in so much pain physically. I could see it in the way she was hobbling after an emergency twin C section and severe edema issues. I was worried for her physically, but also so broken for her emotionally knowing how devastating it is to be so physically broken and emotionally broken all at once as I recalled my state after losing our own daughter, Joeli. 

I watched them gather themselves, fight a bit and try to process what they were going to do. As we got into the elevator, I felt like screaming and crying and escaping. Adding to all of that, I also knew the “rules”. I wouldn’t be allowed in the NICU with Jesse and I was unsure what to do with my own baby in all of it. I honestly felt so sick to my stomach, so sad and so heavy and lost. We tried to communicate everything to my dad and he said Jesse was still fine and wanted us to go. So, we followed them to the NICU and the sights and sounds of that huge ward filled with families, nurses and vulnerable children will forever haunt me. We rounded a section and I saw Jason all hooked up to machines and he looked asleep very soundly. The machine they had him on made me so sick to my stomach. It was called an oscillator and it was essentially, I would learn, the only thing keeping him alive. It was shaking him so immensely fast in hopes to keep him breathing and his heart beating... it sounded to me like a jack hammer. His poor abdomen was sunken in because of his urinary condition and his one foot had not had a chance to fully form because of the low amniotic fluid during pregnancy. But aside from those visible issues, my nephew Jason Asher was the most precious beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had dark brown hair and a strong body built to fight. As I looked at him with all the love that welled up inside of my heart from the very moment my sister in law told me they were expecting and I thought it might be twins, to the many times I spent praying over them in the womb and before hand for the blessing of their lives in the first place, I just started saying, “Hi Jason, Aunt Abi loves you! I love you so so much!” And as soon as I started talking he heard my voice and his beautiful beautiful bright brown eyes and strong little head turned and he looked RIGHT AT ME as if to say “I love you too Aunt Abi thank you for praying for me and being here for me!” I will never ever ever forget that very special moment and those beautiful eyes. 

After that, the doctor led us all back into a side room to discuss the situation. She explained that Jason is a fighter but that he is truly fighting for his life right now and that looking ahead there would be many more surgeries ahead if his lungs and body ever develop to be strong enough to survive the surgeries needed to fix his LUTO. She explained that because of the low amniotic fluid throughout the pregnancy his lungs were very underdeveloped and he was only alive right now because of the machine he was on. They would continue doing whatever they could do but they had already revived him a couple times that morning when he crashed and that the more than continued to happen the more brain trauma would also potentially happen. All of it seemed so horrible to even have to process. I hated so much that my brother and sister in law were in this place and I still wanted them to fight for Jason in my heart of hearts. I can look back now and see that this decision was most wise and gentle toward Jason. But I hate it with all my heart that we didn’t get the complete miracle here, though we did see so many miracles along the way I still longed to see him grow up and be theirs to love here! Even now writing all this out, I still long for that. But, as they discussed everything they did decide to take him off of the machines and allow him to pass peacefully. 

We eventually met up with my dad and even the waiting area the staff was upset I had the baby with me and I felt so bad about that I was possibly adding any stress or frustration to an already horrendous situation and I just wanted to leave so that it wouldn’t be any issue added. But they both advocated for me and Jesse to be able to stay and be with them as they said goodbye to Jason. There was the head doctor who also advocated to go against hospital procedure and allow for this exception, and though we faced some very angry and pushy staff I understood completely the various reasons why typically this situation would be so unacceptable and add noise and stress and hurt potentially to other families. But for ours, it obviously meant so much to them to have us there and not have me have to go wait alone somewhere during his homegoing. I’m so thankful for that doctor allowing me the very painful opportunity to support and love my family as well as have a chance myself to say my final love to my nephew that day. I was able to sing Jesus loves me to Jason and hold him. And then when he had gone to be with Jesus and Joeli, as we went to leave little baby Jesse reached over to his baby cousins head and stroked it and said, “aww baby” as we left. A moment we will treasure forever and a true testament of the love between cousins and the beauty of how children even babies themselves see the beauty of LIFE! 

The drive home was full of tears and emotion and shock and processing. The next few days I spent just in post trauma. I almost had a panic attack in our backyard just hearing a noise similar to the machine that was keeping Jason alive and that was when I knew my brain and body needed tlc. I also knew if I was having trouble processing not even one full day in the NICU that my brother and his wife would be so deeply hurting having to face the NICU day in and day out even after losing Jason and seeing “his spot” re-filled with an empty bassinet and just continuing to support their other baby through her NICU journey. Grief was so hard to walk through also because it was not MY baby so not many people really checked up on me and how I was doing. I was struggling to process my own grief while also staying present for my mother in laws needs and my own kids and family. I had to toughen up and stay strong and not fall apart and that was really really hard when all I really felt capable of doing was laying in bed crying and mourning. 

To this day, I also mourn over how my brother and sister-in-law have processed everything by keeping distance from the family. I rarely get to see my niece or spend any time loving on her and I grieve that too. The rare occasions they are around my heart is full and I long for the day when God can fully restore and mend hearts. 

There is so much brokenness in this world and I don’t want to share this to add to the brokenness, but to share my own heart and journey through one of the most difficult experiences of my life in hopes to help myself process more—which writing always does, and in hopes to remind someone else facing heartache beyond what they feel they can walk through that it is so vital to anchor your hope not in today or tomorrow, but in God-the Hope of our future! I also want to say, it’s not worth being mad at Him. He is the only reason I’m still standing. His Word and promises are the only sustaining goodness and grace I cling to. I have the promise I will see Jason Ashers beautiful eyes again someday and that he and Joeli Grace are walking in the light of Gods goodness and glory fully healed and fully restored! 

“He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭22:20-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  

So we will keep looking to the clouds, as my Dad shared so beautifully today by the graveside. Ever more we look for Jesus’s second coming! And we say, AMEN, COME LORD JESUS! 

The Rock and My Hard Places

Take a journey with me! I invite you to see how I found comfort, strength and security from the Rock in my hard places! As we journey together, and I share about my own season of surrender, I challenge you to self-reflect on what ways the Rock of Ages is calling you into surrender too.

At the end of January, my family and I were able to take a vacation to Florida. We go not just for the vacation, but for a special time as a family to honor the birth day of our daughter Joeli Grace, who we lost after five months of pregnancy. And because of the pain that is so often over that week, we have found that this time away creating happy family memories has become very sacred for us. It was the day before her birth, January 29th 2008, that we found out her heart had stopped beating. That day is always very difficult, I think especially for me. But this year God blessed us with the most incredible reminders of His presence and I think, Joeli’s presence with us too. At the very end of that day we went to the aquarium in Clearwater, Florida to see Winter and Hope from A Dolphin’s Tale. My kids were SO excited. They tell me they’ve seen the movie, but I can’t remember seeing it. I’m not much of a movie fan anymore though, so who knows! 

Anyway, we arrived at the aquarium, parked in the garage and got in line for our tickets when suddenly people behind us in line said, “Hey, here’s a free child’s ticket for you. We just want you to know JESUS LOVES YOU!” I said, “Wow thank you so much! Jesus loves you too!” And then they walked off, and we went to purchase the rest of our tickets only to find out that the ticket they gave us couldn’t work for some reason. We had a good laugh and said, “Well, that’s okay, it’s the thought that counts right?! And Jesus still loves us!” Then, after we purchased our tickets we excitedly followed a crowd of 5 or 6 people into a little elevator. I think as they saw our family of 7 trying to squeeze into the elevator with them it instantly led them to their question for us, “What floor do you need?” AKA when can you all GET OUT OF HERE? To which, I very excitedly and loudly proclaimed, “Whatever floor the dolphins are on!” To which, they half laughingly said, “Well, this is the PARKING GARAGE ELEVATOR, so if you’re trying to get to the dolphins you need to get out and go back the way you just came from and outside the building following the signs to the dolphins.” 

I open with that story, because it’s very easy to walk blindly, to follow the crowd... but the only place that gets us is lost in the “parking garage elevator” of life. We need a guide. That’s Gods Word. We need a planner. That’s The Holy Spirit, our Creator. And we often need a Body surrounding us, who have gone before us and are gathered around us to help point the way. That’s the people in the elevator who helped us realize we needed to turn around! We need to have enough room in our hearts, minds and lives to have space to welcome in and walk with The Plan and The Planner and the Planners Pals! That means an emptying of SELF and a SURRENDER to Someone and Something greater than ourselves! So let’s talk about a Season of Surrender. 

I recognize that maybe you aren’t being asked to surrender a season of unknowns to a terminal illness in your family right now. But I think that no matter where you’re at today, we can all relate to a season or even moments of being called to surrender. Maybe for you, it is surrendering a job with co-workers that are pulling you down a path you know is taking you far from God. Maybe it is surrendering a habit; Surrendering a hobby, or maybe surrendering your thought patterns. Maybe it is surrendering your desire for control. Maybe it’s as simple as surrendering YOUR plans for dinner tonight and taking time to cook for someone in need. Or as simple as surrendering YOUR side of the bed to a sick child who wants to cuddle. Along with surrender, I think a big key here too is surrendering the things God is calling us to surrender WITHOUT a begrudging spirit. 

Philippians 2:17 says it SO beautifully, “But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a drink offering to God,[a] just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.”

Gods call for me was surrendering MY plans for my children’s education, MY time for exercising the amount I enjoyed and surrendering the pride of continuing to grow MY own blossoming business AND instead caring for my terminally ill mother-in-law and my father-in-law through a VERY difficult season. I want to share with you about this season of surrender. In order to do that, I want to begin by taking you back about 12 years ago with me. That is when my mother-in-law, Lynn, began with her very first symptom of the disease that ultimately took her life January 2nd, 2020. So, 12 years ago was like any other day at work for her, until she passed out, hit her head and landed in the emergency room. I remember my very first thought upon getting the news. Being the optimist that I am, I went straight to, “Oh no! She has a brain tumor and is dying...” 

I had no idea that although I was wrong about the tumor, and we briefly rejoiced in the “clear” results, my mother-in-law was actually already beginning her very long journey with the rare terminal illness called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism, or MSA-P. 

It was a long journey of health scares for my mother-in-law until that diagnosis finally came. In fact, it wasn’t until multiple bladder infections, continued occurrences of passing out and hitting her head on things, sycopal seizures, tremors, a heart attack and one severe bladder infection that ended up leading to sepsis and landing her in the intensive care unit at Lancaster General Hospital, where she was finally diagnosed in around 2014. I will never forget my mother-in-laws response to her diagnosis, “Well, at least it isn’t Parkinson’s!” My in-laws really had no idea what this diagnosis meant. I tried to ask the doctor to do some more explaining and give more information to us regarding this neurodegenerative disease... but maybe the lack of understanding lent them the ability to truly LIVE through this terminal diagnosis with joy and continued normalcy?! Because that is EXACTLY what she continued to do, even through all the continued falls and health issues that arose, she just pressed on as “business as usual”, or as normal as possible. 

Mom pressed on. 

Dad pressed on too and picked up care for her rather seamlessly. And for a few years it really honestly did not even seem like “she was dying”. 

As things progressed though, it was becoming more and more obvious that we were entering a stage of this disease where the support they needed was increasing and the rate at which the changes were happening was becoming too hard for them to bear on their own. The health declines were overwhelming even for my husband Sean, myself and Mike and Kristina, my brother and sister-in-law, to keep up with. Sean and I remember Mom walked herself with a walker into the recovery room after I delivered our last child, Jesse. That was some 2 1/2 years ago now. But she was growing weaker and more unstable physically and her mental struggles with the neurodegeneration aspect of the disease were becoming more and more apparent with lewy body dementia, paranoia and hallucinations all setting in heavily. 

When it reached the point where Mom could no longer bathe herself and Dad was not able bodied enough to safely care for her either, that was the point I said, “We need to do something!”. At that point Moms falls became much more frequent as well, pointing to the unsafe nature of their situation. We started with helping them acquire a few days a week of a couple hours with nursing support... but it was rather quickly obvious that due to the dementia and paranoia setting in this was not adequate with the amount of care and oversight needed. It was also setting mom off emotionally, because with the dementia setting in, every new face became an anxiety provoking situation for her. 

This is when God began to call me. I knew it was just pulsing through my blood to care for her, for them, through this season. I knew I could, or thought I could handle the road ahead and whatever would come (which I had NO IDEA how much would come and all that I ultimately could NOT handle). Yet, I was willing to surrender whatever I needed to in order to be able to serve them through this difficulty. And it was during the many talks that we all had, that we were led to the ultimate decision that they would build onto our home and we would care for them. That is when I began saying this was going to only be a SEASON. And when I said that I knew, it was truly going to be a Season of Surrender. 

It was not easy to walk out the surrendering, but it also was not too hard. Don’t hear me wrong. There were certainly moments, days and even months that felt TOO HARD in regards to the amount of care, emotional strength and work that it took to serve my in-laws through this. But in regards to the surrender that it took to serve them, God gave me grace upon grace to be able to do so with a deep joy and peace inside my heart. I really believe HE called me to this journey. But the difficulty, the heaviness, the hard-ness of their season of care truly came in April and May of 2019, just over one year after we had taken them in. And boy was it one of “those” seasons. In October, 2018 my mil was accepted into full hospice care. Meaning, the prognosis in their assessment of her health was that she had only 6 months or less left to live. I calculated and that took us to around April, 2019. And so, as expected, April was very hard. And May was almost unbearable for us all. Yet, although April and May seemed unbearably hard, dark and painful, we pushed through and found strength through the incredible support of friends, family and The Church. And Mom somehow pushed through April and overcame what we believe was sepsis. Although Mom rebounded, she was now so weak and almost completely non-verbal. Sean's father had also had a very difficult year with us from 2018-2019, facing multiple bladder infections himself. His infection in May, the month just following my mother in-laws battle with near death, he also became septic. He went into the care of Lancaster General Hospital for much of the month of May, leaving me with the full responsibility to care for my mother-in-law. Though I felt the weight of responsibility, I often thank God for the wonderful support we had from my brother and sister-in-law. Without Kristina’s support through that I may have ended up in a mental hospital-all joking aside. With both of my in-laws seemingly facing death's doorstep, the pressure we felt was intense during that season. But God! God allowed us to walk through possibly some of the darkest most painful seasons in the surrender that we have ever walked through. 

It was hard. It was SO hard. But every moment of the hardest and darkest parts of the journey only lent me further opportunities to more deeply surrender my heart, my mind, my desires and plans, my fears and my weakness to the One who IS able. 

Many times people use the phrase, “I hit rock bottom.” It is when God is the Rock at the bottom, that I think we have fallen exactly where changes and growth happen, which bring deeper beauty. People also use the phrase I’m stuck “between a rock and a hard place”... both phrases really bring about a sense of finality and impossibility to any sort of FORWARD or UPWARD motion. But again, IF GOD is the Rock that we hit when we fall or feel stuck, we somehow SEE things differently and notice that we are now ABLE not because of our own able-ness, but rather, because of HIS! I don’t know about you, but I am SO thankful He is at work WITHIN us!!

Yes I am thankful He is at work WITHIN us!!

In Ephesians‬ ‭3 it says, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” You are a VESSEL being used by Him!

‭‭ ‭‬‬

His stability, immovability, security and strength, all of His faithfulness provides for us! This reminds me of a vision God gave me when we lost our daughter Joeli Grace after 5 months of pregnancy. I remember just crying out to Him, “GOD! Where are you in all of THIS?!” And instantly He showed me this dark turbulent, bitter, violent stormy sea with waves crashing all around me and then He took my eyes beneath the surface of all of the waves and heartache and DEEP deep beneath the storm was a HUGE ROCK planted firmly, unmoved, unshaken, unaffected by the storm above. And He said, “Abi, this is who I am and where I am. I haven’t moved. I haven’t changed. I haven’t shifted. I am still the same yesterday, today and forever.” And I felt this stillness wash over me. He is my Rock. In Hebrews 13:8 it reminds us that, “Jesus Christ (is) the same yesterday, and today, and forever.”

I asked an artistically gifted friend of mine, Leslie McCarthy, to paint this vision for me. She called it, Rock Of Ages! http://lesliemccarthyart.com/

When everything else is shaking and unstable, and not secure, HE is immovable, unshakable, unchanging, strong and stable and secure. I don’t know about you, but I want to fall on a Rock like that! I want to get STUCK on a Rock like that! 

That year after we lost Joeli, I poured myself heavily into the Psalms. This one from Psalm 18 was one of my firm foundations:

Psalm 18:1-2 says, I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

You know, in the Old Testament many times God’s people would celebrate VICTORY by blowing the ram's horn! He is our victory celebration. The rams horn also symbolizes protection and defense against an enemy. Think of the ram. His horns are his defense and protection! God is our Mighty Defender and our SALVATION! 

There is something I want to share with you, it is the concept of a vessel. We recently went to Florida, as I mentioned previously, to honor the 12th birth day of our daughter Joeli Grace who I told you about, who we lost after 5 months of pregnancy. Something that not many people would know is that from the day of her birth, my husband Sean has always called her body her “shell”. He always said, “That is just her shell, she is already with Jesus!” And God spoke so directly to my heart that difficult January 29th day this year. He sent reminders of His presence and Joeli’s presence too. That morning as I walked the beach, I came upon 5 perfect and LIVE conch shells sitting all together in ankle-deep sea-water.

I instantly got teary eyed and could barely breathe because I felt so sure that God and Joeli had gifted them to us, one for each of her siblings. And then, not even a half an hour later I found a perfect pure white and EMPTY conch shell. 

Do you know how miraculous it is to even find one conch shell? You know, people say things are happenstance or irony but this... I truly believe with all of my heart THIS was one of those Signs From God Himself! A miracle! A reminder of Joeli’s presence with God. A gift to her siblings. God speaks! 

Now our shell is a CARRIER of something. Right?! A VESSEL. I mean vessel MEANS a container-something that holds something else. A blood vessel carries blood. A ship is a vessel that carries cargo or people. A jar is a vessel that contains juice. 

So I want to ask you today:

What are you carrying? 

Blood 

People 

Luggage 

Juice

I don’t think the vessel that we are is quite so simple in purpose. We carry much more than these fading and temporary things. WE carry an eternal spirit. We carry within us something Created by GOD! We were created to live with purpose! And if we are in Christ, we carry the Living Hope within us, every single moment of every single day. So often though we overcrowd our vessel with useless things. We waste our 

Time

Words

Money 

Energy

Resources

Mind

Emotions

Gifts and talents... 

We miss precious opportunities to LIVE WITH PURPOSE. We fill our shell with dying fading things instead of being FILLED with HIS LIFE AND PURPOSE! And what is the BEST way to live a life FULL of purpose? Maybe surprisingly it is actually found through living a •LIFE OF SURRENDER• not just a season, but a whole LIFE of surrender! Being EMPTIED, poured out like a drink offering, so that you can truly BE FILLED with all HE has for us and wants to do in and THROUGH us! 

So, my final question for you today is this:

Are you living a LIFE of surrender? Or are you holding on to areas, to habits, to selfish desires or maybe even some healthy desires that are taking the position though of FIRST above HIS CALL for your life or your season or your day or this moment? Take some time to self reflect, talk to God, and then maybe even to share with a friend today in what ways God is speaking to your heart... INVITE the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart and do some pruning if necessary! Let the Holy Spirit begin to usher you into a Holy Calling and a life of surrender! May the hard places you face, lead you to The Rock of Ages!