Brevity

Brevity. 

Brevity can teach one a lot. It can sharpen so much of life into laser point focus. Brevity can also challenge. It can challenge faith and family. Brevity brings with it opportunity to grow and change and gain a new level of closeness to the reality of Heaven. 

One of the hardest and saddest days of my life, June 20th, 2018 brought that brevity. And all it has to offer, with it. 

I remember getting the call from my mom that they didn’t think Jason Asher had much longer, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe it. I really believed now that he had outlasted the many doctors negative predictions or advices for his early demise (aka abortion aka murdering him while he was alive inside my sister in laws womb), that now he would be strong enough to survive the possibility of surgery to correct his LUTO condition. I had SO much hope and not a true understanding of how weak and vulnerable his tiny little body actually was in that NICU in New York. But, when I got the second call from my mom saying similar things again and urging me, if I at all thought I could, (since I was also one of the main caregivers to my Mother-in Law in end-stage MSA-P) to try to come and say my goodbyes to my nephew and see my niece in the NICU as we were unsure how her outcome would be as a preemie, as well. 

Having a nursing infant and on such short notice, I decided the long trip to the NICU, the visit and trip home I would need to bring him with me. My wonderful sister in law on my husbands side of the family came and cared for my Mother in law and my other 4 kids, along with her own 5. I am forever grateful to her for that sacrifice and love she showed that day and always. 

The drive to the hospital was somber and quiet. When we arrived Jesse was asleep and so my dad offered kindly to watch him so that I could go up to the hospital room with my mom to see my brother, his wife and possibly the babies since we knew we wouldn’t be allowed to take my baby into the NICU. 

When we saw them it was just no time to be happy or rejoice, even though they had just delivered beautiful twin babies. The fight for their lives overtook any feelings of joy and replaced it with uncertainty and heartache in the journey at hand. The room was honestly full of sadness and uncertainty. Very shortly after my mom and I arrived in the room my brother got a call on their room phone and it was very evident by his tone things were very very bad. He got off the phone and said Jason had been crashing and they tried to revive him several times and he is barely hanging on. The doctor was urging them to go up and see him and make decisions. Even in that moment, I remember thinking we needed/they needed, to fight for him. It still did not sink in to my heart or head just how fragile he was. My sister-in-law was in so much pain physically. I could see it in the way she was hobbling after an emergency twin C section and severe edema issues. I was worried for her physically, but also so broken for her emotionally knowing how devastating it is to be so physically broken and emotionally broken all at once as I recalled my state after losing our own daughter, Joeli. 

I watched them gather themselves, fight a bit and try to process what they were going to do. As we got into the elevator, I felt like screaming and crying and escaping. Adding to all of that, I also knew the “rules”. I wouldn’t be allowed in the NICU with Jesse and I was unsure what to do with my own baby in all of it. I honestly felt so sick to my stomach, so sad and so heavy and lost. We tried to communicate everything to my dad and he said Jesse was still fine and wanted us to go. So, we followed them to the NICU and the sights and sounds of that huge ward filled with families, nurses and vulnerable children will forever haunt me. We rounded a section and I saw Jason all hooked up to machines and he looked asleep very soundly. The machine they had him on made me so sick to my stomach. It was called an oscillator and it was essentially, I would learn, the only thing keeping him alive. It was shaking him so immensely fast in hopes to keep him breathing and his heart beating... it sounded to me like a jack hammer. His poor abdomen was sunken in because of his urinary condition and his one foot had not had a chance to fully form because of the low amniotic fluid during pregnancy. But aside from those visible issues, my nephew Jason Asher was the most precious beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had dark brown hair and a strong body built to fight. As I looked at him with all the love that welled up inside of my heart from the very moment my sister in law told me they were expecting and I thought it might be twins, to the many times I spent praying over them in the womb and before hand for the blessing of their lives in the first place, I just started saying, “Hi Jason, Aunt Abi loves you! I love you so so much!” And as soon as I started talking he heard my voice and his beautiful beautiful bright brown eyes and strong little head turned and he looked RIGHT AT ME as if to say “I love you too Aunt Abi thank you for praying for me and being here for me!” I will never ever ever forget that very special moment and those beautiful eyes. 

After that, the doctor led us all back into a side room to discuss the situation. She explained that Jason is a fighter but that he is truly fighting for his life right now and that looking ahead there would be many more surgeries ahead if his lungs and body ever develop to be strong enough to survive the surgeries needed to fix his LUTO. She explained that because of the low amniotic fluid throughout the pregnancy his lungs were very underdeveloped and he was only alive right now because of the machine he was on. They would continue doing whatever they could do but they had already revived him a couple times that morning when he crashed and that the more than continued to happen the more brain trauma would also potentially happen. All of it seemed so horrible to even have to process. I hated so much that my brother and sister in law were in this place and I still wanted them to fight for Jason in my heart of hearts. I can look back now and see that this decision was most wise and gentle toward Jason. But I hate it with all my heart that we didn’t get the complete miracle here, though we did see so many miracles along the way I still longed to see him grow up and be theirs to love here! Even now writing all this out, I still long for that. But, as they discussed everything they did decide to take him off of the machines and allow him to pass peacefully. 

We eventually met up with my dad and even the waiting area the staff was upset I had the baby with me and I felt so bad about that I was possibly adding any stress or frustration to an already horrendous situation and I just wanted to leave so that it wouldn’t be any issue added. But they both advocated for me and Jesse to be able to stay and be with them as they said goodbye to Jason. There was the head doctor who also advocated to go against hospital procedure and allow for this exception, and though we faced some very angry and pushy staff I understood completely the various reasons why typically this situation would be so unacceptable and add noise and stress and hurt potentially to other families. But for ours, it obviously meant so much to them to have us there and not have me have to go wait alone somewhere during his homegoing. I’m so thankful for that doctor allowing me the very painful opportunity to support and love my family as well as have a chance myself to say my final love to my nephew that day. I was able to sing Jesus loves me to Jason and hold him. And then when he had gone to be with Jesus and Joeli, as we went to leave little baby Jesse reached over to his baby cousins head and stroked it and said, “aww baby” as we left. A moment we will treasure forever and a true testament of the love between cousins and the beauty of how children even babies themselves see the beauty of LIFE! 

The drive home was full of tears and emotion and shock and processing. The next few days I spent just in post trauma. I almost had a panic attack in our backyard just hearing a noise similar to the machine that was keeping Jason alive and that was when I knew my brain and body needed tlc. I also knew if I was having trouble processing not even one full day in the NICU that my brother and his wife would be so deeply hurting having to face the NICU day in and day out even after losing Jason and seeing “his spot” re-filled with an empty bassinet and just continuing to support their other baby through her NICU journey. Grief was so hard to walk through also because it was not MY baby so not many people really checked up on me and how I was doing. I was struggling to process my own grief while also staying present for my mother in laws needs and my own kids and family. I had to toughen up and stay strong and not fall apart and that was really really hard when all I really felt capable of doing was laying in bed crying and mourning. 

To this day, I also mourn over how my brother and sister-in-law have processed everything by keeping distance from the family. I rarely get to see my niece or spend any time loving on her and I grieve that too. The rare occasions they are around my heart is full and I long for the day when God can fully restore and mend hearts. 

There is so much brokenness in this world and I don’t want to share this to add to the brokenness, but to share my own heart and journey through one of the most difficult experiences of my life in hopes to help myself process more—which writing always does, and in hopes to remind someone else facing heartache beyond what they feel they can walk through that it is so vital to anchor your hope not in today or tomorrow, but in God-the Hope of our future! I also want to say, it’s not worth being mad at Him. He is the only reason I’m still standing. His Word and promises are the only sustaining goodness and grace I cling to. I have the promise I will see Jason Ashers beautiful eyes again someday and that he and Joeli Grace are walking in the light of Gods goodness and glory fully healed and fully restored! 

“He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭22:20-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  

So we will keep looking to the clouds, as my Dad shared so beautifully today by the graveside. Ever more we look for Jesus’s second coming! And we say, AMEN, COME LORD JESUS! 

The Rock and My Hard Places

Take a journey with me! I invite you to see how I found comfort, strength and security from the Rock in my hard places! As we journey together, and I share about my own season of surrender, I challenge you to self-reflect on what ways the Rock of Ages is calling you into surrender too.

At the end of January, my family and I were able to take a vacation to Florida. We go not just for the vacation, but for a special time as a family to honor the birth day of our daughter Joeli Grace, who we lost after five months of pregnancy. And because of the pain that is so often over that week, we have found that this time away creating happy family memories has become very sacred for us. It was the day before her birth, January 29th 2008, that we found out her heart had stopped beating. That day is always very difficult, I think especially for me. But this year God blessed us with the most incredible reminders of His presence and I think, Joeli’s presence with us too. At the very end of that day we went to the aquarium in Clearwater, Florida to see Winter and Hope from A Dolphin’s Tale. My kids were SO excited. They tell me they’ve seen the movie, but I can’t remember seeing it. I’m not much of a movie fan anymore though, so who knows! 

Anyway, we arrived at the aquarium, parked in the garage and got in line for our tickets when suddenly people behind us in line said, “Hey, here’s a free child’s ticket for you. We just want you to know JESUS LOVES YOU!” I said, “Wow thank you so much! Jesus loves you too!” And then they walked off, and we went to purchase the rest of our tickets only to find out that the ticket they gave us couldn’t work for some reason. We had a good laugh and said, “Well, that’s okay, it’s the thought that counts right?! And Jesus still loves us!” Then, after we purchased our tickets we excitedly followed a crowd of 5 or 6 people into a little elevator. I think as they saw our family of 7 trying to squeeze into the elevator with them it instantly led them to their question for us, “What floor do you need?” AKA when can you all GET OUT OF HERE? To which, I very excitedly and loudly proclaimed, “Whatever floor the dolphins are on!” To which, they half laughingly said, “Well, this is the PARKING GARAGE ELEVATOR, so if you’re trying to get to the dolphins you need to get out and go back the way you just came from and outside the building following the signs to the dolphins.” 

I open with that story, because it’s very easy to walk blindly, to follow the crowd... but the only place that gets us is lost in the “parking garage elevator” of life. We need a guide. That’s Gods Word. We need a planner. That’s The Holy Spirit, our Creator. And we often need a Body surrounding us, who have gone before us and are gathered around us to help point the way. That’s the people in the elevator who helped us realize we needed to turn around! We need to have enough room in our hearts, minds and lives to have space to welcome in and walk with The Plan and The Planner and the Planners Pals! That means an emptying of SELF and a SURRENDER to Someone and Something greater than ourselves! So let’s talk about a Season of Surrender. 

I recognize that maybe you aren’t being asked to surrender a season of unknowns to a terminal illness in your family right now. But I think that no matter where you’re at today, we can all relate to a season or even moments of being called to surrender. Maybe for you, it is surrendering a job with co-workers that are pulling you down a path you know is taking you far from God. Maybe it is surrendering a habit; Surrendering a hobby, or maybe surrendering your thought patterns. Maybe it is surrendering your desire for control. Maybe it’s as simple as surrendering YOUR plans for dinner tonight and taking time to cook for someone in need. Or as simple as surrendering YOUR side of the bed to a sick child who wants to cuddle. Along with surrender, I think a big key here too is surrendering the things God is calling us to surrender WITHOUT a begrudging spirit. 

Philippians 2:17 says it SO beautifully, “But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a drink offering to God,[a] just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.”

Gods call for me was surrendering MY plans for my children’s education, MY time for exercising the amount I enjoyed and surrendering the pride of continuing to grow MY own blossoming business AND instead caring for my terminally ill mother-in-law and my father-in-law through a VERY difficult season. I want to share with you about this season of surrender. In order to do that, I want to begin by taking you back about 12 years ago with me. That is when my mother-in-law, Lynn, began with her very first symptom of the disease that ultimately took her life January 2nd, 2020. So, 12 years ago was like any other day at work for her, until she passed out, hit her head and landed in the emergency room. I remember my very first thought upon getting the news. Being the optimist that I am, I went straight to, “Oh no! She has a brain tumor and is dying...” 

I had no idea that although I was wrong about the tumor, and we briefly rejoiced in the “clear” results, my mother-in-law was actually already beginning her very long journey with the rare terminal illness called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism, or MSA-P. 

It was a long journey of health scares for my mother-in-law until that diagnosis finally came. In fact, it wasn’t until multiple bladder infections, continued occurrences of passing out and hitting her head on things, sycopal seizures, tremors, a heart attack and one severe bladder infection that ended up leading to sepsis and landing her in the intensive care unit at Lancaster General Hospital, where she was finally diagnosed in around 2014. I will never forget my mother-in-laws response to her diagnosis, “Well, at least it isn’t Parkinson’s!” My in-laws really had no idea what this diagnosis meant. I tried to ask the doctor to do some more explaining and give more information to us regarding this neurodegenerative disease... but maybe the lack of understanding lent them the ability to truly LIVE through this terminal diagnosis with joy and continued normalcy?! Because that is EXACTLY what she continued to do, even through all the continued falls and health issues that arose, she just pressed on as “business as usual”, or as normal as possible. 

Mom pressed on. 

Dad pressed on too and picked up care for her rather seamlessly. And for a few years it really honestly did not even seem like “she was dying”. 

As things progressed though, it was becoming more and more obvious that we were entering a stage of this disease where the support they needed was increasing and the rate at which the changes were happening was becoming too hard for them to bear on their own. The health declines were overwhelming even for my husband Sean, myself and Mike and Kristina, my brother and sister-in-law, to keep up with. Sean and I remember Mom walked herself with a walker into the recovery room after I delivered our last child, Jesse. That was some 2 1/2 years ago now. But she was growing weaker and more unstable physically and her mental struggles with the neurodegeneration aspect of the disease were becoming more and more apparent with lewy body dementia, paranoia and hallucinations all setting in heavily. 

When it reached the point where Mom could no longer bathe herself and Dad was not able bodied enough to safely care for her either, that was the point I said, “We need to do something!”. At that point Moms falls became much more frequent as well, pointing to the unsafe nature of their situation. We started with helping them acquire a few days a week of a couple hours with nursing support... but it was rather quickly obvious that due to the dementia and paranoia setting in this was not adequate with the amount of care and oversight needed. It was also setting mom off emotionally, because with the dementia setting in, every new face became an anxiety provoking situation for her. 

This is when God began to call me. I knew it was just pulsing through my blood to care for her, for them, through this season. I knew I could, or thought I could handle the road ahead and whatever would come (which I had NO IDEA how much would come and all that I ultimately could NOT handle). Yet, I was willing to surrender whatever I needed to in order to be able to serve them through this difficulty. And it was during the many talks that we all had, that we were led to the ultimate decision that they would build onto our home and we would care for them. That is when I began saying this was going to only be a SEASON. And when I said that I knew, it was truly going to be a Season of Surrender. 

It was not easy to walk out the surrendering, but it also was not too hard. Don’t hear me wrong. There were certainly moments, days and even months that felt TOO HARD in regards to the amount of care, emotional strength and work that it took to serve my in-laws through this. But in regards to the surrender that it took to serve them, God gave me grace upon grace to be able to do so with a deep joy and peace inside my heart. I really believe HE called me to this journey. But the difficulty, the heaviness, the hard-ness of their season of care truly came in April and May of 2019, just over one year after we had taken them in. And boy was it one of “those” seasons. In October, 2018 my mil was accepted into full hospice care. Meaning, the prognosis in their assessment of her health was that she had only 6 months or less left to live. I calculated and that took us to around April, 2019. And so, as expected, April was very hard. And May was almost unbearable for us all. Yet, although April and May seemed unbearably hard, dark and painful, we pushed through and found strength through the incredible support of friends, family and The Church. And Mom somehow pushed through April and overcame what we believe was sepsis. Although Mom rebounded, she was now so weak and almost completely non-verbal. Sean's father had also had a very difficult year with us from 2018-2019, facing multiple bladder infections himself. His infection in May, the month just following my mother in-laws battle with near death, he also became septic. He went into the care of Lancaster General Hospital for much of the month of May, leaving me with the full responsibility to care for my mother-in-law. Though I felt the weight of responsibility, I often thank God for the wonderful support we had from my brother and sister-in-law. Without Kristina’s support through that I may have ended up in a mental hospital-all joking aside. With both of my in-laws seemingly facing death's doorstep, the pressure we felt was intense during that season. But God! God allowed us to walk through possibly some of the darkest most painful seasons in the surrender that we have ever walked through. 

It was hard. It was SO hard. But every moment of the hardest and darkest parts of the journey only lent me further opportunities to more deeply surrender my heart, my mind, my desires and plans, my fears and my weakness to the One who IS able. 

Many times people use the phrase, “I hit rock bottom.” It is when God is the Rock at the bottom, that I think we have fallen exactly where changes and growth happen, which bring deeper beauty. People also use the phrase I’m stuck “between a rock and a hard place”... both phrases really bring about a sense of finality and impossibility to any sort of FORWARD or UPWARD motion. But again, IF GOD is the Rock that we hit when we fall or feel stuck, we somehow SEE things differently and notice that we are now ABLE not because of our own able-ness, but rather, because of HIS! I don’t know about you, but I am SO thankful He is at work WITHIN us!!

Yes I am thankful He is at work WITHIN us!!

In Ephesians‬ ‭3 it says, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” You are a VESSEL being used by Him!

‭‭ ‭‬‬

His stability, immovability, security and strength, all of His faithfulness provides for us! This reminds me of a vision God gave me when we lost our daughter Joeli Grace after 5 months of pregnancy. I remember just crying out to Him, “GOD! Where are you in all of THIS?!” And instantly He showed me this dark turbulent, bitter, violent stormy sea with waves crashing all around me and then He took my eyes beneath the surface of all of the waves and heartache and DEEP deep beneath the storm was a HUGE ROCK planted firmly, unmoved, unshaken, unaffected by the storm above. And He said, “Abi, this is who I am and where I am. I haven’t moved. I haven’t changed. I haven’t shifted. I am still the same yesterday, today and forever.” And I felt this stillness wash over me. He is my Rock. In Hebrews 13:8 it reminds us that, “Jesus Christ (is) the same yesterday, and today, and forever.”

I asked an artistically gifted friend of mine, Leslie McCarthy, to paint this vision for me. She called it, Rock Of Ages! http://lesliemccarthyart.com/

When everything else is shaking and unstable, and not secure, HE is immovable, unshakable, unchanging, strong and stable and secure. I don’t know about you, but I want to fall on a Rock like that! I want to get STUCK on a Rock like that! 

That year after we lost Joeli, I poured myself heavily into the Psalms. This one from Psalm 18 was one of my firm foundations:

Psalm 18:1-2 says, I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

You know, in the Old Testament many times God’s people would celebrate VICTORY by blowing the ram's horn! He is our victory celebration. The rams horn also symbolizes protection and defense against an enemy. Think of the ram. His horns are his defense and protection! God is our Mighty Defender and our SALVATION! 

There is something I want to share with you, it is the concept of a vessel. We recently went to Florida, as I mentioned previously, to honor the 12th birth day of our daughter Joeli Grace who I told you about, who we lost after 5 months of pregnancy. Something that not many people would know is that from the day of her birth, my husband Sean has always called her body her “shell”. He always said, “That is just her shell, she is already with Jesus!” And God spoke so directly to my heart that difficult January 29th day this year. He sent reminders of His presence and Joeli’s presence too. That morning as I walked the beach, I came upon 5 perfect and LIVE conch shells sitting all together in ankle-deep sea-water.

I instantly got teary eyed and could barely breathe because I felt so sure that God and Joeli had gifted them to us, one for each of her siblings. And then, not even a half an hour later I found a perfect pure white and EMPTY conch shell. 

Do you know how miraculous it is to even find one conch shell? You know, people say things are happenstance or irony but this... I truly believe with all of my heart THIS was one of those Signs From God Himself! A miracle! A reminder of Joeli’s presence with God. A gift to her siblings. God speaks! 

Now our shell is a CARRIER of something. Right?! A VESSEL. I mean vessel MEANS a container-something that holds something else. A blood vessel carries blood. A ship is a vessel that carries cargo or people. A jar is a vessel that contains juice. 

So I want to ask you today:

What are you carrying? 

Blood 

People 

Luggage 

Juice

I don’t think the vessel that we are is quite so simple in purpose. We carry much more than these fading and temporary things. WE carry an eternal spirit. We carry within us something Created by GOD! We were created to live with purpose! And if we are in Christ, we carry the Living Hope within us, every single moment of every single day. So often though we overcrowd our vessel with useless things. We waste our 

Time

Words

Money 

Energy

Resources

Mind

Emotions

Gifts and talents... 

We miss precious opportunities to LIVE WITH PURPOSE. We fill our shell with dying fading things instead of being FILLED with HIS LIFE AND PURPOSE! And what is the BEST way to live a life FULL of purpose? Maybe surprisingly it is actually found through living a •LIFE OF SURRENDER• not just a season, but a whole LIFE of surrender! Being EMPTIED, poured out like a drink offering, so that you can truly BE FILLED with all HE has for us and wants to do in and THROUGH us! 

So, my final question for you today is this:

Are you living a LIFE of surrender? Or are you holding on to areas, to habits, to selfish desires or maybe even some healthy desires that are taking the position though of FIRST above HIS CALL for your life or your season or your day or this moment? Take some time to self reflect, talk to God, and then maybe even to share with a friend today in what ways God is speaking to your heart... INVITE the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart and do some pruning if necessary! Let the Holy Spirit begin to usher you into a Holy Calling and a life of surrender! May the hard places you face, lead you to The Rock of Ages! 

All Aboard

I had another dream last night (11/16/19). 

In this dream there was a TRAIN and it was 

FULL STEAM AHEAD WITH LOVE! 

There were parcels lined up in what seemed like a never ending row and on every.single.package was written:  

L O V E

In big bold letters. 

Every FREIGHT CAR was also FILLED with 

L O V E 

The train was WEIGHTY with the mighty power of HIS Great love. 

God was inviting US to partner with Him in carrying these PARCELS. We are invited to partner with Him in this beautiful process of CARRYING this MESSAGE of the GOSPEL PARCEL 

L O V E! 

And the words 

ALL ABOARD; its FULL STEAM AHEAD WITH LOVE! 

Rang through the air like a beautiful invitation! 

These are the scriptures the Holy Spirit immediately began highlighting in my heart after waking... 

Matthew 22:37 

Jesus declared, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

Song of Solomon 2:4

He escorts me to the banquet hall; it’s obvious how much he loves me

You led me to your banquet room and showered me with love

“Suddenly, he transported me into his house of wine— 

he looked upon me with his unrelenting love divine.”

‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭2:4‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Isaiah 52:7 How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger who brings good news, the good news of peace and salvation, the news that the God of Israel reigns!

Romans 10:15 

And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”

I hope that this dream also fills your heart with joy and excitement to share the good news, as it did mine! 

Dream and Gods Voice

During the past 40 days I have intentionally entered into times of seeking more of God’s face and heart. God will often speak to me through visions or through His creation, but only on a few occasions have I met with Him in my dreams. During this time, I began to seek Him for more of His voice in my dreams. I was specifically asking Him to speak during my dreams and so when He did, my heart was SO full with joy and excitement.

Over the last year and a half or so, from around the end of 2017-2019 I felt the Lord has been very clearly speaking to my heart about His hand being on the winnowing fork.

“Even now the ax of God’s judgment is poised, ready to sever the roots of the trees. Yes, every tree that does not produce good fruit will be chopped down and thrown into the fire. He is ready to separate the chaff from the wheat with his winnowing fork. Then he will clean up the threshing area, gathering the wheat into his barn but burning the chaff with never-ending fire.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭3:10, 12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I know these are scriptures that we often will glaze over or intentionally leave out or know are left out of messages purposefully. Yet, it is the Word of the Lord and though it seems quite direct and difficult to swallow, this is a day the Lord says is coming. So, what will we do with this if it is true? We should ponder the state of our roots. Are we strong, dug deep, sturdy, ready to bear fruit? Or are we shallow rooted, damaged roots, a system unable to establish depth that will not grow and bear fruit.

He has shown me He has been sifting our hearts, sifting out the wheat from the chaff, the sheep from the goats, the true Bride from the counterfeit.

“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

“And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭25:31-36, 41-43, 46‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Again, very difficult words to swallow and not very often that we discuss these truths because they may seem so harsh and almost upsetting. Yet in love, I share these truths, because to truly and unashamedly share the reality of what Gods Word says is in store for our future is the most loving thing we can do for our friends and family. Not to hide, hinder or muddy the truth to the comfort of tickling itching ears, but to be HONEST and COMPASSIONATE and share the cautions of the Word of God just as well as the JOY THAT AWAITS all those who come to Him humbly admitting their need for a Savior!

He has also really shown me that He is in the process of developing a HUNGER in His Bride. A hunger for more of Him, more of His Word, more of feasting upon Him and being
Filled
Fueled and
Growing
Than ever before!

He says in Matthew‬ ‭5:6, “God blesses those who HUNGER and THIRST for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.”
‭‭NLT‬‬

It is interesting to me how much we LONG for and SEEK AFTER satisfaction. Job satisfaction, marriage satisfaction, academic satisfaction, accomplishment satisfaction, buyer satisfaction etc etc etc... yet all of these longings still leave us SO empty SO often! WHY?! Why do we give up so much for temporary satisfaction/fullness when the long term and eternal satisfaction Jesus talks about by being HUNGRY and THIRSTY and coming to a Well that never runs dry and a Feast that has all the delicacies is what will TRULY satisfy?!

I want to share this first dream during this special time of drawing in to Gods heart that He encouraged me with. Ironically, or should I say appointed by God, it “just so happened” that the same passage He impressed upon my heart when I woke that morning around 4 am was the same verse that YouVersion used later that morning as their “verse of the day”. I am always awestruck at how the Holy Spirit confirms and reaffirms His Word when God is speaking, by demonstrating repeated patterns throughout various sources! God is always speaking!! Are we attuned to His voice?
The dream...

11/13/19

I just woke from a dream that filled me with excitement... 

My dreams final words: “This season” is about to come to an end. We are entering the new season. The season of 

•The Rapture Is Coming Soon• 

So I sought the Lord, God tell me more about this new season of •The Rapture Is Coming Soon• ... and He said to my heart

This new season is all about PREPARATION. He said, the Bride is called to be preparing herself for the coming of the Groom. Get rid of all the distractions! Set aside lesser loves! Yeild your heart! Draw in to My heart! Be about the WORK of PREPARATION! Buying the gown, dressing herself in the jewels, ordering the cake, BEING READIED! 

Prepare your heart for the King of King’s and Lord of Lords, CHURCH! People get ready Jesus is coming soon we’ll be going Home! 

“Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭33:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

May His spirit minister life, joy, peace, understanding and a hunger and thirst in your life like you’ve never experienced before! 

-Abi

These Two Things

These TWO Things 

To Know Him and Make Him known 

Over the course of this first few weeks of school there had been tears and sighs and outbursts... no not from me 🤣from my sweet oldest girlies. Venturing out of the homeschool world into public school the past two years has brought two things into our lives that have made for a real feeling of injustice and wanting to venture BACK into the realm of being a homeschool-only family. Those two things are: HOMEWORK and TESTS! 

Now don’t get me wrong here. I think some homework would be fine every once in awhile or on a particularly busy day at school when goals weren’t met... but seriously?! The amount of homework these students receive is absurd! They are already giving the public school a near 8 hours of their day. Then they have another hour or more of homework during the afternoon and evening?! And what about kids who play sports? On top of school, they have to find time for studying and getting homework done too. Oh, and somewhere in the mix of all of THAT—-MAYBE spend just a FEW moments resting and catching up with their family! 🤦🏽‍♀️ 

Now, don’t get me wrong about test taking either. Tests are a wonderful way to assess growth and knowledge. They’re a very “normal” part of life and school. However, when there are days on end of test after test after test—ESPECIALLY for students who face very real test anxiety in the first place, this just seems like cruel and unusual punishment. How about a rule of thumb one test per subject per month?! It seems instead the tests are daily or at the very least weekly. The anxiety that tests provoke is just not necessary to inflict on students so frequently. Just my opinion 😉But as someone who struggled with intense test taking anxiety in school myself, I personally know that the tests rarely reflected my total comprehension of a subject anyway. Could we not have found better ways of assessing overall comprehension by now? 

OKAY homeschool mama rant over 🤣 

Now that we got THAT out of the way 🤣

So, back to the tears and sighs and outbursts... with all the test anxiety I was beginning to feel at the end of my rope for
 encouragement to offer my girlies. One morning a week or so ago we headed in to school and during the morning drive instead of having any time to connect or listen to scripture together on the Bible app, Seana was hurriedly and overwhelmedly studying for a math quiz. When we pulled in to the middle school, I could feel the burden weighing on her shoulders to achieve. I looked at her and with everything inside of me I said, “Seana, I do not need you to get A’s. I do not need you to do amazing. I don’t even care if you fail, so long as you are giving it your best effort. Work hard, and give your best for God’s glory. BUT at the end of the day, pass or fail is not my utmost highest goal for you! Because ultimately, I believe that even if you fail time after time, if God truly has created you to be a veterinarian and called you to do that, He will provide ways for you to accomplish that even through the struggle. But, do you know what my highest hopes for you are? My biggest goal for you and your siblings is not your achievements, it is for you to do TWO THINGS. 

Two things, alone. 

Know Him. 

And, 

Make Him known. 

That is it! TWO THINGS. If you do those two things to the best of your ability my heart will be so full of joy and gratitude to God because those two things are the most beautiful strivings this life has to offer us!” 

After those words came out of my mouth, I knew they were from the counsel of the Holy Spirit encouraging our family to find peace and release, rather than stay stuck in anxiety and striving. 

I know anxiety still wages war against us, but we will choose to strive for Holy goals and surrender every other striving into His strong, affirming and faithful hands. 

So, I hope my sharing this today encourages your hearts to hold onto THESE TWO THINGS... 

Know Him and make Him known! 

Blessings, friends 

“All of your works will thank you, Lord, and your faithful followers will praise you. They will speak of the glory of your kingdom; they will give examples of your power. They will tell about your mighty deeds and about the majesty and glory of your reign.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:10-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

A Bloody Ear and Surrender

So, what might a bloody ear and surrender have to do with each other, you might ask. I believe the Holy Spirit has a clear message for the Body of Christ in this word from Luke 22. 

For many years, whenever I heard this passage in part, it was said to be a passage concerning the pacifism of Jesus. 

Luke 22:50-51

⁵⁰ And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear.

⁵¹ But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.

It would make sense to come to this conclusion. After all, Jesus does seem to demonstrate this was not acceptable. 

However, if not read in context, scripture as a whole can be very easily misunderstood and misrepresented. I believe strongly the Lord is asking His Church to be steadfast in pursuing accurate understanding of the totality of Scripture. Not in part, but the WHOLE. He is calling us to SEEK Him out in this season. To know in full and be fully known. In this SEEKING there will be a beauty, joy, peace, hope like never experienced before, because of the new depth of KNOWING and being KNOWN. 

Now, back to the full message of Christ through this particular passage. 

Lets look at the context. Just before this occurrence Jesus was meeting with His disciples in the upper room, sharing His final Passover meal. During the meal the disciples and Jesus have an interaction which sets the stage for Luke 22:50-51.

Luke 22:35-38 

³⁵ Then Jesus asked them, “When I sent you without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?”

“Nothing,” they answered.

³⁶ He said to them, “But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one. ³⁷ It is written: ‘And he was numbered with the transgressors’^[b]; and I tell you that this must be fulfilled in me. Yes, what is written about me is reaching its fulfillment.”

³⁸ The disciples said, “See, Lord, here are two swords.”

“That’s enough!” he replied.

Furthermore, in continuing to search this passage we find that Jesus then led His disciples to a place of prayer. It is in this prayer that I believe we see the full context for the interactions we witness in verses 50 and 51. Here in verses 42-44 we see Jesus, both fully man and fully God in a place of WRESTLING with SURRENDER. Jesus, in His flesh, crying out for a different story. While also, in His flesh, crying out for God's WILL to be accomplished! FULLY SURRENDERED. Surrender, as we see it played out before us in this passage is weighty, hard, painful, testing and a place of prayer. 

⁴² “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” ⁴³ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ⁴⁴ And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.^[c]

After I read this passage in it's entirety I felt the Holy Spirit speak very clearly to me...

THIS is NOT a passage about the pacifism of Christ; rather, it IS a passage about the SURRENDER of a SAVIOR! We also see Jesus' foreknowledge on display here. As He knew Scripture had to be fulfilled of Him. 

Many times over the last year of my life in particular I have wanted to "Take things into my own hands". I have been "Tired of living life in a place of being betrayed, lied to, wounded and hurt". I have been WRESTLING with SURRENDER. Yielded-ness is a place of two-fold work. The work of bending under weight but not being broken. A place of being open but not torn off. A place also of bringing forth a crop. The place of birthing. Something new comes forth in the yield. THIS is the place God longs for His church to be! The place of FRUITFULNESS. 

When Christ reached over and said, “No more of this!” I believe we can see now more clearly His heart for US--HIS BODY--saying, 

BE SURRENDERED

BE YIELDED

BE FRUITFUL

Do not try to take things into your own hands and manipulate your circumstances. Do not strike against God. Do not stand in opposition to His plans. Do not stand unyielded to whatever the call of God on your life, whether small or large, easy or difficult, whether the crowd comes at you with clubs in hand or with praise on their lips or with a false greeting of the betrayers kiss; no matter what may come, SURRENDER. 

Let's pray... God, this message for Your Church is a hard pill to swallow. We long for comfort, for peace, for good. So often, this is not what we face. We face death, we face betrayal and heartache, sorrow and misunderstandings, we face difficulty and pain... but through it all Lord, whatever may come our way, may we stand or sit on the altar and not get off of the altar in unyieldedness, pride or rebellion. Rather, let us be on the altar, hands raised high in surrender, fruit bearing plentiful because of our roots deeply planted in the fullness of Your Word. Thank you for Your great mercy God. You are so powerful, able and worthy of all our heart, mind, body and soul. Please keep speaking to us through Your Word. In Jesus name, Amen! 

Thanks for joining me today in leaning in to God's Word and prayer. If I can support you in prayer today please know I want to pray for your heart to be yielded, as I also pray for mine. 

Blessings,

Abi