Was the day, the night really, when I first was told something is "wrong".
People ask me time and time again for advice, input, thoughts, and send me notes asking for prayer about their pregnancy concerns. So, I thought I would jot some of my thoughts down for the world to see.
In regards to supporting others through the death of a baby, whether it is an early miscarriage, a late miscarriage, an early infant death or any other "term" you want to use, THEIR CHILD DIED. They didn't "lose" a pregnancy, "give God an angel", or "need someone looking after them" or any other colloquial language. Just some brief overview for those of you who, unlike me, don't have a passion for anatomy and physiology and pregnancy development... The heart of an unborn child begins beating at only 4 weeks gestation and is visible via ultrasound as early as 5-6 weeks. The baby then begins to move, grow and form into the beautiful child he/she is designed to be. Joeli was not inanimate. She had every characteristic of a living, "born", child. She IS a child and she IS my child. My second BORN daughter. She was alive and then she died. She held and continues to hold the very special place in our family as being our second child, a daughter. She was cherished from the moment we knew we held life within. She was wanted and such a blessing.
Common mistakes friends and family make when dealing with "loss"/death of a child:
1. Not mentioning the child, their name, birth date, death date, or anything about the child.
Often this is done in care and not with malice, but it is taken to heart and is often mistaken for neglect or dis-concern or even worse for not acknowledging the deep suffering, pain and hurt the family is experiencing or even worse yet, for not acknowledging a child existed, that LIFE was within. Ignoring the "dates" in miscarriages can often cause feelings of isolation and loneliness in particularly the mom who is left to sort through her loss alone.
2. Unwillingness of others to remember or join in celebrating the memory of the child's life.
Sometimes this is done without thinking it through and is simply just the way some people cope/deal with loss of a child. I think the acknowledgement of such a deep pain for some can be unbearable or scary to know how to handle appropriately. So, they withdrawal for fear of their own reactions. However, this often leaves the family/friend feeling, again, isolated and alone in their grief. So, if for your own sake you must withdrawal, just tell the friend/family that you are withdrawing for fear of saying/doing something wrong, tell them you just don't know how to cope with your own feelings of hurt and loss and pain when you face theirs...it's OK, that won't hurt as bad as just not knowing why you aren't "present" with them in their grief.
3. Saying certain things wrong can hurt...but saying nothing at all hurts the family so much more.
Say something, acknowledge their pain, and just listen to their heart.
4. Certain phrases that are unhelpful: "You will have another one", "God needed an angel to tend His garden", "There must have been something wrong with the child, so God spared you", "You did something wrong and this is a lesson God must be trying to teach you", "At least it was early on....or, at least they didn't have to suffer...or, at least you never got too attached"....and the list goes on. Thank God I did not have to suffer hearing things like this often, but many of my friends have heard things like this after their children died and let me tell you these type of phrases HURT so much. Just sit and listen and know that NOTHING you say or do will make the pain go away...but acknowledging the hurt WILL help to hold us up when we feel knocked down.
5. Complaining about your children or saying things about death lightly (like on rough days saying, "Oh I just want to die" or "This is killing me") are other things that can really weigh heavily upon a hurting heart after the death of a child.
6. Letting your life "go on" in front of ours when you know we are hurting can hurt worse. You don't need to sit in misery with us, but be gentle and full of grace and be aware that your words, your actions and your lack of ability to empathize can lead us to feel very much more hurt. A way to help this is to take time to not share your joys and your good fortunes with us. We do want to celebrate with you, but we don't want to have to/or be expected to do it during our mourning and in our grief. Share our sadness and sorrows and we'll share your joys as God gives us grace to do....share your joys without fore-thought, and our sorrows only increase as the awareness of how deeply and truly empty we are begins to grow bleaker against the brilliance of your shining sunny day. Be aware of this in how you handle and what you say around those suffering death of their beloved.
7. In regards to being "nervous" in your pregnancies...Its probably best you don't share that with someone who's had a loss. We don't need to hear how "scared" you are. (And I don't mean friends and family dealing with very real health concerns can't share their struggle with fear....but I do mean the sense of "worry" or concern without any medical reasoning) We know fear. Often we've dealt with our own fears silently through our subsequent pregnancies. Will our next child die too? Will we have to face delivery of another dead child? Will we even be able to conceive again? Ours isn't a fear about if our child will have disabilities or problems...ours is a fear of if our child will even survive to breathe this air and see our face. We just want a healthy live child. Will our bodies fail us again? How would I cope with another death?
8. Last bit of advice would be: Don't forget about them and the baby that death stole from them. Send them encouraging notes, remember dates along with them (you have no idea what that means to them about the LIFE of the child, not just the death), and just be present with them in their grief. Offer support through hugs, phone calls (not just texts and emails--be present, I will say it again, BE PRESENT), and through just a listening ear. Some of my most encouraging friends are those who took the time to call me and spend time talking with me even still about how I am doing from time to time and year to passing year and asking me the tough questions like, "how are you doing really?" and who just sat and cried with me and those who just gave me a long lingering hug of sympathy.
9. Okay, I lied, one more thing...Everyone handles the death of a child differently so if you find something I have mentioned to be wrong or if you question it in regards to how you think your family/friend may respond then do them the favor and ASK them how they want you to handle their loss and how they best gain your support/encouragement. Don't assume or presume, just ask them how you can best come alongside them in their grief. Just you asking that question will tell them how deeply you do care!!!!!
Yes, every pregnancy and healthy delivery is a miracle...So, don't take your easy deliveries, cake pregnancies and healthy kids for granted. Don't yell at them so much. Don't talk about them like they're replaceable. Don't mention them like they're a burden or a stress. Are kids at times a lot of work and do they have behaviors that can cause stress? Yes, of course. But someone facing the death of a child does not know how to handle your discontentment in life and your stress and overwhelming life as a parent of healthy happy rambunctious kids. It's extremely disheartening and hurtful to hear all the complaining about blessings "we" only LONG for. (And don't think for a minute I haven't whined about my own kids and stresses at times, we're all guilty of it...but we do need to hold one another to a higher standard and stop playing the game of "it's okay to complain as long as it's done in a 'seeking support' kind of way...Sorry ladies/moms, but it's just not okay for us to whine and complain about our sleepless nights and whiny/bratty kids.) [instead of, "these kids are driving me nuts" We/I need to start saying things like, "I need prayer and encouragement to have a godly attitude and manner in dealing with my children when they act in ways that are disrespectful, overwhelming or unbecoming"] I'm just as guilty about "complaining" as anyone--but let's not remain in that attitude and mindset, let's rise above and let's be aware of how we are appearing to others, especially those facing infertility or child death.
Philippians 2:13-1513 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.14 Do everything without complaining and arguing, 15 so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.
Is sleep deprivation a part of parenting? Absolutely. But sleeplessness and sleep deprivation can also be caused by extreme grief. I remember our first year after Joeli died I often had nightmares or woke up in cold sweats as my body readjusted to not needing to use the milk it had stored up. It was so painful that even when I was exhausted I often could not fall asleep. Often all my mind would think about is how far along I would be at such and such a point and as my friends whose pregnancies mirrored mine began having their healthy happy babies the ache in my heart grew. I ached and longed for Joeli to be growing healthy within me and she was not. She was gone, forever. It's an ache like you cannot understand unless you've experienced it. I wish it upon NO ONE.
I have so many other thoughts concerning losing a child....but for now I must rest my heavy hands and lighten my heart a bit and spend time with the miraculous blessings God has restored my soul with.
Love,
Aberdabberdoo
Psalm 127:3
Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.
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