In October my Mother in Law Lynn had a flare up of her chronic UTI’s from her condition called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism or MSA-P for short. Her condition is stealing every aspect of her life and though it is said people do not die from Parkinson’s, they die with it, it is said that people die from MSA. This illness is literally robbing her of every aspect of her life before it takes her life. Sometimes when I allow myself to go there I do get mad about that. It’s especially upsetting seeing the Lewy Body Dementia, another symptom of the MSA, rob her mind and presence from us. It’s hard to be so honest because believing in Christ and a hope for a future sometimes makes Christians feel like in order to be impactful or faith filled we have to somehow lose the humanity in ourselves and our grip on reality. We somehow feel like being Christian means we have to bypass grief and loss and move right into acceptance and “faith” and being okay with “our lot in life”.
IT’S A LIE.
Grieve spirit within me, grieve the loss and the heartache of watching my mother in law suffer debilitating pain, chronic infections, moments of helplessness and hopelessness and bitter heartache at all that’s being robbed from her and from us.
Grieve hard.
Grieve with hope, yes, but grieve nonetheless.
October through January saw us making a drive to E-town to help care for her and my Father-in-Law very often. I am so grateful for and proud of the way our whole family banded together through this difficult season. My brother and sister in law help so much to give insight, to be examples of sacrificing, to help literally and figuratively pick up Mom countless times. I don’t know how families get through these types of difficult long illnesses without the love and support of one another and of turning all our heartaches, questions, and prayers to God. Then brought countless hours of discussing how to figure out what comes next for our families. It was difficult decisions to be made. It was sacrifices and prayer. It was concerns and unknowns. And then when the decision was finally made to build an addition and take my In-Laws in, it was countless hours of builders, contractors, and loud noises invading our homeschool time. The journey has NOT been easy. Seeing how much my Mother in laws illness has impacted our whole family and especially taken a toll on my father in laws health too is so hard.
Before October, I was facing yet another one in an on slot of friendship heartaches. I poured my heart and soul out in prayer and belief and in the end it became clear that lies and deception were won over honesty and pursuit of following Gods Word. There is almost no heartache in life as bitter as pouring yourself out for someone only to have your love rejected and your promises broken and your words betrayed. Jesus knows betrayal. Especially friendship betrayal and heartaches. So I do keep leaning into that but it does not mend my broken heart, it simply gives me some relief knowing He knows the pain and journeys in it with me. He knows the brokenness of reaching out a helping hand only to have that hand slapped away in rejection. I have been wounded in some deep ways and God sees my struggles with feeling betrayed and let down and He is walking with me through it. He has given me glimpses of His hand at work in me through it. He has allowed people to speak into my brokenness and give me peace. He has allowed some healing and a Spring to begin in the area of betrayal and brokenness. He has been giving me this vision of Spring a new season He was entering me into.
The Spring began.
But almost as soon as it felt like the Spring season was beginning in my spiritual life, a brokenness has come in.
I’m reminded that with Spring comes the tilling. The soil of my soul is being broken and tilled up so that something can be planted. I don’t know exactly what it is yet, but I am believing God for the planting season to be upon me. Even as I write this, I feel God speaking to my heart confirming that the brokennnes is a tilling time, the Spring is not over spiritually for me yet... He is in process in me.
So God, what are you planting in this brokenness? I feel so weighed down right now by the heartache of praying and crying out to you for my nephew Jason’s healing and believing for it in faith and then losing him. It’s not how I wanted their story to be. Maybe that is selfish? Maybe it is not faith filled enough? Maybe it is not Christian and surrendered enough? But it is the truth of where my heart is at right now. I hate this. It’s not fair and I am angry. God can handle my anger. I know it’s not a healthy place to be and I need to work through it. I will. But for now, the soil of my soul is being tilled and it is a pretty altering, uprooting, shaken and stirred experience.
Broken.
It is Spring, but I’m back to broken.
I recently stumbled upon a blog about the 22 emotions of planting season. I feel like frustration, emotion number 5, along with its picture ((a boulder stuck between farming equipment tilling up the field)) was very much where I am. I’ve hit a rock. It has stalled up the process of tilling. My progress is halted. I feel stuck and lost. I feel hurt and broken. God knows all this. He is absolutely Sovereign over all. Doesn’t mean He is going to fix it all, but it does mean He knows and sees.
Gods Word is absolutely where I need to land right now. It offers me corrective lenses in the blinding tears in the time of brokenness.
I see the beauty in this season too. I’m trying to, anyway. As my sister in law said at Jason’s funeral, “Though we did not get the miracle we all had prayed for, God was working miracles all along this journey.”
There will be something of beauty and value growing because of the readiness of the soil of my soul. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and life abundant!”
Jeremiah 24:6 My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will returnto me with all their heart.
Lamentations 3:
For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.
So,
Psalm 27:13 (NIV)
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
No comments:
Post a Comment