Bless Us In Our Brokenness

Once again, God spoke to my heart in just the way I needed. He does see me and hear me and know me.

As a family we have been reading through Genesis for our nightly family devotion time. Last night happened to be chapter 29. The story of Jacob and Rachel... and Leah. Leah, feeling broken, barren and hurting, and in that broken state, God had compassion on her plight and blessed her.

My own words in the side notes were what struck me most... 

When God speaks to our hearts using our own words to remind us of things He has already spoken to our hearts... 

Have you ever been there? 

God loves to bless us in our brokenness and barren state.  

and,

God

Yes, God, is the One who gives life. But what about the taking?

“He gives and takes away blessed be the name of the Lord” some of the hardest lyrics to sing after we lost Joeli. Do I really believe that? Do I really want to sing that? I do believe He is the giver of life. But it’s much easier to believe the enemy is the taker of life. And that’s what I have come to believe through scripture that says it is the thief who came to steal, kill and destroy... but Job said the LORD gave and the LORD took away. 

Job 1:20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

So, is it the LORD or is it the enemy? I think I’m wrestling with this because I want it to be the enemy so that I can get really angry and blame him, rather than it be God and have to wrestle through my anger and figure it out between God and I. 

2 Samuel 6:6 gives an example of Gods wrath, but what about my nephew, my daughter, babies? They have not incited the LORD to wrath! Why would we think God has taken them? 

6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. 7 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

8 Then David was angry because the Lord’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.[e]

9 David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, “How can the ark of the Lord ever come to me?”

DAVID WAS ANGRY! 

It doesn’t specifically say he was angry AT the LORD, but it does say he was angry and scared enough to not want to take the ark to his house. So my assumption is he was angry at and scared of the LORD. The thing that’s quite amazing about David, and quite possibly why the LORD says he is a man after God’s own heart, is that even through things as traumatic and terrible as losing your friend at the hand of God Almighty, David still danced before the LORD, praised Him, obeyed Him, and was willing to make a spectacle of himself in doing so! And only just verses after being ANGRY!

So I wonder, how did David move from being angry at and scared of God, to being willling to obey and worship Him and even make a spectacle of himself in doing so? 

David was open with God and sought after Him through every emotion, every up and down, every heartache and fear and all the unknowns. He sought God and he was determined to repent and keep seeking Him when necessary too. 

God, I want to be like David. But I am angry. I am questioning why. I am hurting and broken. I will keep choosing to seek You in the hurt, I won’t turn away. I just wish I understood more. This is why I cried out to you after losing Joeli for even just 

GLIMPSES 

Of what You are doing! I think I need this again! My heart and flesh are weak. Yes, my spirit is willing, oh God. But why?! Why couldn’t Jason and Joeli be made well? I may never fully understand Your plans, I know that. But would you please give my heart even glimpses of what you are doing in this season of brokenness of also seeing my mother in law suffer so?! I need to know You are in this! Please keep reassuring me. I’m sorry I’m so weak and hurt right now. Please comfort my family and my heart and please send angels to protect my sweet little niece and grow her strong and healthy and that she could come home soon! Like the passage I read the night before I found out Jason had the LUTO condition, we are clinging to You and wrestling with You. I'm going to wrestle with you for the blessing. Leah did not have to wreslte. Do I need to? I feel like I am wrestling with You right now whether I need to or not. Help my mind to understand and accept what my heart already believes-that You are worthy of my praise and honor whether I understand if you took away or if the enemy takes... Do I have to understand every question I have in order to continue to follow You and believe You are worthy of my praise and of my heart? 

No.

But I wish I did even if I never do, I will choose to keep praising you like the song says

And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

In Jesus name, Amen.