My Media-Fast Month and Some Random Heart Lessons

Over the past month I had taken time away from social media for a season of surrender and quiet through Lent. It was, to be honest, super difficult and strange for the first few days. I had these urges to go check my social media sites "just to check in". It was a habit, and it felt strange not following through on those compulsions. But, after the first several days it truly became refreshing. Refreshing because I wasn't allowing those feelings to cause guilt, if I hadn't checked in that day. Refreshing because I had no feeling of "missing out" anymore. I felt like my time was more wisely spent during this past month. I even spent less time responding to emails, texts, messages and Voxers. Because of this, I was able to focus more on my children, my hubby, and the things that they needed from me in the quiet moments, because I wasn't filling the quiet moments with scrolling through a news feed or our pictures or making sure I had replied to the various emails, texts, Voxes and messages I'd gotten.

Ironically, the following couple weeks of my social media fast were spent transcribing a Doctoral thesis for someone who interviewed students from the OneLife program at LBC. OneLife is a program that enforces a media-less policy at LBC. Students give up cell phones, computers, they give up social media during the 9 month program and they give up Internet occasionally, as well. As I transcribed these interviews, I was struck by the common thread that I too was finding, that God, my relationship with Him and my ability to hear Him and see the beauty of His creation were being put secondary. I was too distracted by social media and the time and energy it consumes to just be present and find joy and life in the moment. I was struck also by the realization these students had come to, that their identity was being shaped and formed by the false realities these interfaces set up, rather than by simply living life.

I found myself again. I found myself in God's view again. And I found who I believe He has created and called me to be once again. Not that I had lost those altogether, but it had definitely become increasingly difficult to function from that place confidently and without apology. In part too because of the conflict social media often brought into my life. I had a lot of time for God to remind my heart of, not just the things I believe and the values and truths He has graciously poured into my heart, but the strength to unashamedly and unapologetically share them with humble strength and grace trusting Him who calls me to speak truth.

Sometimes it is hard to believe I will soon be entrusted with another child to raise. God has seen fit to bless me with children despite the various struggles along the way between endometriosis, cysts, a tumor, pain, and loss. There are so many times, as a social person, that I feel lonely for more and deeper connection. But, God showed me through this past month that these children are who He has given me so much time with day to day and they need me desperately to be present with them. I need His help so desperately to be a patient, loving and wise mom. I feel like so often I am short and overwhelmed and uncertain I have all it takes to homeschool-well, housekeep-well, wife-well, and be a good sister, daughter and friend too, and to find ways to serve God and the church well too. Sometimes I forget the value of investing my time and energy into building and shaping my children. But, the reality is that in the end, they become an extension of my love and efforts and shaping. It will be as if my hands can extend 5-fold out into this world, if I can just keep that viewpoint and remember that my time is well spent to pour all of the best of myself into their little hearts and lives.

Throughout this past month there was a real struggle physically for me. My health has been a battle since January I have had chronic sinus infections. First, a 5 week long one, which I avoided meds for; hence the 5 weeks of chronic coughing due to nasal drip, which then caused constant laryngitis. I had one glorious week of health and healing when I was able to do something so fulfilling for me in recording two new songs, which I can't wait to share with you all soon hopefully! But, after that, I came down with a fever and another kind of sinus infection that brought along with it THE WORST head/face-ache and ear aches of my life, with such horrendous pressure in my face and head. I've had this one now for several weeks and I finally relented and went on medication to try to help me find healing. Even with the meds though I was so sick and congested last week. My sweet hubby had made me a hot mug of water to sit over and let the steam try to loosen up my congestion. But, the kids started fighting over time on the iPad, so I said go set the timer for 10 minutes for each of  you to have a turn. They didn't know how, so I said okay I'll just set the one on my phone and as I went to reach for it, the mug slipped from my other hand and spilled all down my chest. It gave me the worst burns I've ever had in my life. 2nd degree burns. It hurt SO BAD! The irony was, I was finally able to breath through my nostrils. For about 10-15 minutes my sinuses cleared and I felt like the little girl who fell down headfirst into the tree and found her miraculous healing. Sadly, the cleared sinuses clogged right back up just after that, and I had 2nd degree burns to show for it. *insert sad crying face* There were many times during this past month that I felt like I was under attack physically. And yet, in it all, God was still doing some major things in my heart and spirit. Now that I look at it from the spiritual perspective I can see the battle was raging over my heart and mind and spirit. I shed many, many, many, tears this past month. Some for real reasons, but many just out of emotionally and physically just feeling so out of it. I felt like anything could make me cry. (And just honestly, I cry easily so that probably hasn't and won't change too much) But, finding some relief physically, has given me the ability to find some strength and feel a little more leveled out again.