No, not this photograph. This one actually is rather sweet and nostalgic because it was taken the second month of my pregnancy with our last little Caboose. The nasty cabin photograph I am talking about is rather embarrassing and regretted, yet equally as memorable.
And so the story I want to share with you about THIS past weekend (which reminded me of THAT weekend-the one when the regretted photograph was taken) goes like this:
So, it was Monday morning. We were about to be packing up, cleaning up and readying to leave the cabin and head home. Seana, as usual, had gotten up super early before anyone else was even awake. The moment I came out into the main area of the cabin (*sidenote: it's essentially a 2 room rustic hunting cabin, there is no electricity or running water aside from the cool rigged up running water spouts my Uncle created and oh OH, the outhouse...yea that's not running water! I know!! Anyway, I digress...) she approached me with a very frustrated and angry look on her face. She snarled quietly at me, "WHO did this?" as she pointed over to a mess on the floor of the kitchen area. I could barely make out, through my sleepy, dirt-laden eyes, the plastic grocery bag with paper and plastic all strewn everywhere with fake guns and the pops laying there. I looked at it and then back to her and said, "I don't know." Clearly she was not satisfied with that answer and realized I was not understanding what she meant, so she clarified, "NO, WHO took Seth's gun (our neighbor boy whom they each love dearly and had purchased and set aside a play gun for) out of the wrap?" "Oh!", I said, "I did because Carter and Jemma were fighting over a gun so I just figured since I did not see any others laying around I would open the one in the bag that was left so that they would stop fighting."
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?", she asked in a now extremely irritated and bitter tone.
I went on to explain further the situation and my thought that it was not that big of a deal and that Seth would gladly receive the gun whether or not it was still in its packaging. This was completely unacceptable to her (especially in her overly tired state). She stormed off and out the door in a tizzy. She was also upset that some of the pops she thought should be in the bag were missing. She went frantically looking for them outside-slamming things, ripping at car doors that were locked trying to get inside and see if she could find whatever it was she was looking for exactly...AND, looking at me like the I was the devil incarnate. ;0 ;)
It was then that I realized this was like deja vu. I was her, or she was me in my younger days. This almost exact same scenario in this exact location-the cabin- had played out when I was about 14. So, I decided I could run from it and pretend I was above that and did not need to go any further with this and just let it be what it is OR I could go and humbly share my own story-my embarrassment and regrets-with Seana and let her know how my regretful behavior and attitude turned out to be for me.
So, I tried to take her hand and ask her to come with me so that we could sit outside in the back of the trailer and talk together. She ripped her hand back from mine and looked at me with her angry face. I told her that hurt. I told her I wanted to have a talk and that she should hear a story I think she can relate to.
So, reluctantly she followed me to my dad's trailer and we sat on that dusty trailer and we talked-well, mostly I talked.
And so I said, "Seana, I want to tell you about my nasty cabin photograph.
I want to tell you about a time when, like you, I was so so angry at my mom. But, I'll tell you what... looking back now, I can't even tell you what I was angry about. All I remember is that it was the last day of our trip and we were packing up to head home. Just like us, today. And that look on your face right now, that was the same look I wore on my face that day too. But you know what? That weekend was actually quite amazing. We had a little foster boy, my foster brother named Josh along. And I was SO excited to show him everything I loved about the cabin that weekend. So, I took him on hikes to the salamander pond. I showed him how to break sticks into walking-stick size. I roasted marsh-mellows over the fire with him and we did all my favorite cabin things together. It was AMAZING!
But...
But, that very last day, as we packed to leave I got angry at my mom about something. And so I had a terrible attitude and wore a sour, angry mean nasty look on my face for a little bit that afternoon. And, of course, they wanted to take a final family cabin photograph. And you know what...I remember that photograph better than any other. I was wearing my shorts, a bandana to hide my lovely cabin hair, and crossed arms and a cross look on my face, as well. The saddest part of it all may be that everyone else sees that picture now and assumes that it depicts the weekend. But it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't at all. Not even a bit. I regret so much that I could not control my emotions and choose to forgive and release my anger sooner. And now it is burned onto a photograph for all to remember for all of time."
Sadie soon joined our little mama-daughter talk, so I looked those two gorgeous girls in the eyes and I told them about my struggle to manage my emotions. I told them that as women we have the gift of emotions. We have the struggle of emotions, too. I told them that I wished I had learned earlier in my days to PRAY about my emotions and the struggles I face. I told them I wished I had worked at it more willed and purposefully to give God my emotions and INVITE Him into my emotions when I was younger. This year I have purposed to INVITE God into my emotions and to ask Him to be leading them more. I have failed. But, unlike before, I have actually noticed my failures sooner and prayed more readily for help from the Lord to work in me and help me master them to His glory.
As these past few weeks have gone by I have had several family struggles. Opportunities to practice this purposing I have set out in. At times, I have had to manage my emotional responses. At times I have had to reflect and allow God to work in my heart. This week I have had times when I have had to release emotions and allow Him to carve me better into who He is calling me to be. Times when I've failed and times when I have grown and times when I have recognized emotional responses and been able to ask God ahead of time to help and guide and lead and times when I have not recognized soon enough. But, I consider this a win that I am recognizing at all. He is working in me. We are all being pruned by the Gardener and boy am I ever grateful for those willing to find grace in their heart for me while I'm in my pruning! And I find myself especially filled with gratitude for my tender Gardener over these past few weeks in particular. That in all my weed-filled moments, He tenderly, carefully and gently removes the thorns from my life and surrounds me with well watered and nurturing soil. He crafts me into His lovely creation despite my weak and needy state.
This song is on my heart tonight so I want to share it in closing.
All my love,
Keep on building Him a temple-healthy, whole, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically,
~Abi
And so the story I want to share with you about THIS past weekend (which reminded me of THAT weekend-the one when the regretted photograph was taken) goes like this:
So, it was Monday morning. We were about to be packing up, cleaning up and readying to leave the cabin and head home. Seana, as usual, had gotten up super early before anyone else was even awake. The moment I came out into the main area of the cabin (*sidenote: it's essentially a 2 room rustic hunting cabin, there is no electricity or running water aside from the cool rigged up running water spouts my Uncle created and oh OH, the outhouse...yea that's not running water! I know!! Anyway, I digress...) she approached me with a very frustrated and angry look on her face. She snarled quietly at me, "WHO did this?" as she pointed over to a mess on the floor of the kitchen area. I could barely make out, through my sleepy, dirt-laden eyes, the plastic grocery bag with paper and plastic all strewn everywhere with fake guns and the pops laying there. I looked at it and then back to her and said, "I don't know." Clearly she was not satisfied with that answer and realized I was not understanding what she meant, so she clarified, "NO, WHO took Seth's gun (our neighbor boy whom they each love dearly and had purchased and set aside a play gun for) out of the wrap?" "Oh!", I said, "I did because Carter and Jemma were fighting over a gun so I just figured since I did not see any others laying around I would open the one in the bag that was left so that they would stop fighting."
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?", she asked in a now extremely irritated and bitter tone.
I went on to explain further the situation and my thought that it was not that big of a deal and that Seth would gladly receive the gun whether or not it was still in its packaging. This was completely unacceptable to her (especially in her overly tired state). She stormed off and out the door in a tizzy. She was also upset that some of the pops she thought should be in the bag were missing. She went frantically looking for them outside-slamming things, ripping at car doors that were locked trying to get inside and see if she could find whatever it was she was looking for exactly...AND, looking at me like the I was the devil incarnate. ;0 ;)
It was then that I realized this was like deja vu. I was her, or she was me in my younger days. This almost exact same scenario in this exact location-the cabin- had played out when I was about 14. So, I decided I could run from it and pretend I was above that and did not need to go any further with this and just let it be what it is OR I could go and humbly share my own story-my embarrassment and regrets-with Seana and let her know how my regretful behavior and attitude turned out to be for me.
So, I tried to take her hand and ask her to come with me so that we could sit outside in the back of the trailer and talk together. She ripped her hand back from mine and looked at me with her angry face. I told her that hurt. I told her I wanted to have a talk and that she should hear a story I think she can relate to.
So, reluctantly she followed me to my dad's trailer and we sat on that dusty trailer and we talked-well, mostly I talked.
And so I said, "Seana, I want to tell you about my nasty cabin photograph.
I want to tell you about a time when, like you, I was so so angry at my mom. But, I'll tell you what... looking back now, I can't even tell you what I was angry about. All I remember is that it was the last day of our trip and we were packing up to head home. Just like us, today. And that look on your face right now, that was the same look I wore on my face that day too. But you know what? That weekend was actually quite amazing. We had a little foster boy, my foster brother named Josh along. And I was SO excited to show him everything I loved about the cabin that weekend. So, I took him on hikes to the salamander pond. I showed him how to break sticks into walking-stick size. I roasted marsh-mellows over the fire with him and we did all my favorite cabin things together. It was AMAZING!
But...
But, that very last day, as we packed to leave I got angry at my mom about something. And so I had a terrible attitude and wore a sour, angry mean nasty look on my face for a little bit that afternoon. And, of course, they wanted to take a final family cabin photograph. And you know what...I remember that photograph better than any other. I was wearing my shorts, a bandana to hide my lovely cabin hair, and crossed arms and a cross look on my face, as well. The saddest part of it all may be that everyone else sees that picture now and assumes that it depicts the weekend. But it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't at all. Not even a bit. I regret so much that I could not control my emotions and choose to forgive and release my anger sooner. And now it is burned onto a photograph for all to remember for all of time."
Sadie soon joined our little mama-daughter talk, so I looked those two gorgeous girls in the eyes and I told them about my struggle to manage my emotions. I told them that as women we have the gift of emotions. We have the struggle of emotions, too. I told them that I wished I had learned earlier in my days to PRAY about my emotions and the struggles I face. I told them I wished I had worked at it more willed and purposefully to give God my emotions and INVITE Him into my emotions when I was younger. This year I have purposed to INVITE God into my emotions and to ask Him to be leading them more. I have failed. But, unlike before, I have actually noticed my failures sooner and prayed more readily for help from the Lord to work in me and help me master them to His glory.
As these past few weeks have gone by I have had several family struggles. Opportunities to practice this purposing I have set out in. At times, I have had to manage my emotional responses. At times I have had to reflect and allow God to work in my heart. This week I have had times when I have had to release emotions and allow Him to carve me better into who He is calling me to be. Times when I've failed and times when I have grown and times when I have recognized emotional responses and been able to ask God ahead of time to help and guide and lead and times when I have not recognized soon enough. But, I consider this a win that I am recognizing at all. He is working in me. We are all being pruned by the Gardener and boy am I ever grateful for those willing to find grace in their heart for me while I'm in my pruning! And I find myself especially filled with gratitude for my tender Gardener over these past few weeks in particular. That in all my weed-filled moments, He tenderly, carefully and gently removes the thorns from my life and surrounds me with well watered and nurturing soil. He crafts me into His lovely creation despite my weak and needy state.
This song is on my heart tonight so I want to share it in closing.
All my love,
Keep on building Him a temple-healthy, whole, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically,
~Abi
| What a Friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry Everything to God in prayer! Have we trials or temptations is there trouble anywhere? we should never be discouraged. take it to the Lord in prayer. can we find a friend so faithful? who, will all our sorrows share... Jesus knows our every weakness take it to the Lord in prayer. Are we weak and heavy-laden cumbered with a load of care? Precious savior still our refuge-- take it to the Lord in prayer. Do thy friends despise-forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer. In His arms He'll take and shield thee Thou wilt find a solace there. | |
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