This time five years ago I was almost at the end of one of the most arduous journeys of my life. Emotionally, that is.
It was just the previous year I had gone through losing Joeli at five months pregnant. In fact, something I rarely speak about is how eerily similar everything with Joeli and Sadie was regarding their dates. Joeli was due three days after Sadie, on June 18th. Sadie was due the 15th. I will never forget the feeling of knowing the nurse was going to give me my due date with Sadie and I quickly said out loud, just whatever you do, don't say the 18th, lie to me and give me another date if that's where it lands. And she said, I don't even have to lie, it's the 15th. I think I breathed this disgusting guttural sigh of relief. I was terrified that in some weird way everything was going to line up exactly, and I don't even believe in luck or karma or bad omens or whatever else...it just freaked me out and made me want to cry.
So, there I was, celebrating every "milestone" almost exactly the same day as I had the previous year with our precious Joeli Grace. Month one, month two, month three, month four, and then the dreaded month...five. But this was different because I felt God so near to me during this time. I felt Him through many prayers and encouraging words from friends who knew the grief I was still deeply embedded in and also the fear of losing another child while carrying them. All those fears of, what if I can't carry to term...what if we lose this baby too will we even be able to cope with that... and you get the point.
Month five came along and I wanted so badly to know what we were having! For Seana we did not want to know but with Joeli we had intended to find out and had everything scheduled for the morning she was then born. It was heartbreaking going into labor with Joeli without knowing her gender. For some reason, this in particular felt unfair. It was just the next day we were supposed to be so elated and share our joyous news like everyone enjoys doing so much. But that was stolen from us too. With all of this in mind, for Sadie's pregnancy I wanted to find out and I wanted to rejoice! I wanted to rejoice as almost to throw it back in the enemy's face that life was not stolen from us this time but that it was growing and real and beautiful! But, yet, I was terrified for that appointment more than any other appointment. I was absolutely sick and fearful that we could even possibly ever have to face seeing a lifeless ultrasound screen again. But somehow, by God's miraculous grace and blessing... She was healthy, and moving and kicking and living! LIVING! Thank you Jesus, for Sadie May's life!
It was soon after this that we chose her name, Sadie May. Sadie can mean beautiful or princess and May means gift of God and so I very intentionally wanted to name her Sadie May because she was such a BEAUTIFUL GIFT OF GOD! A BLESSING!
Then came the new territory, month six, month seven, month eight, month nine and I knew by month nine she was a big baby (ends up she was our biggest at 8lb 10oz). Then came her delivery. It was not easy or short. In fact it was very scary at one point during labor 10-15 nurses and doctors rushed into our delivery room as Sadies heart rate was rapidly declining. They were a bit frantic and I just started to cry as the had me moving from position to position trying to help her heart to beat stronger. I remember in the most awkward position just bawling my eyes out and begging the Dr. to just take me back for a C-Section and not let me lose another baby girl. He assured me if he had to do that he would take me back but that we were giving this a try yet. And within a few minutes things calmed down and there was only about 5 medical staff in the room, and then 2 and then 1, my nurse. After that, more complications arose as there was meconium and NICU nurses and doctors brought in. I was told I was not going to be able to hold Sadie right away and that she was going to be suctioned and not encouraged to cry immediately and not to worry. But I still worried when after her birth I didn't hear her cry for a good minute or two, which is torture. I couldn't see her yet either because of the team or medical staff surrounding her in her little incubator. And I just broke down into the most ugly cry of gratitude to my REDEEMER after hearing her amazing cry. I was just crying and praising God out loud in that delivery room. I'll never forget those moments of peace and joy and hope restored.
Do you see it? Do you see how God chose to give us Sadie May's special, beautiful times in almost the exact dates as Joeli's? Do you see how He chose to redeem every day meant for our sadness and sickness and sorrow and fear and He now was filling each moment with joy and blessing and hope. Though we walked through the valley of the shadow of death, He restored our soul!
Sadie has a heart of compassion and sensitivity to the needs and hearts of those around her like no other child I've ever known. She was the most absolutely easy, happy, cuddly baby in the entire world! She filled our hearts and home with a new joy and love. She helped to heal our broken hearts and bind up our wounds. And though some may call this their "rainbow baby" because it is said that a baby after a "loss" is like a rainbow after the storm or a promise after the storm, I do not look at any of my children as a "promise". Sadie was not promised to me, as none of our children were. Yet, God, who is rich in mercy and grace and goodness and love chose to bless us with Sadie May. So, she is our BLESSING baby!
Today, this special blessing turns 5! Time is moving unbelievably quickly these days.
Have you taken time today to ask God to redeem your story for His glory? He's in the business of redeeming and restoring and blessing.
May He redeem yours like He has ours:)
~Abi
