To The Doctor

 To the Doctor whom we no longer see. 

You know why. You know the story we would not have chosen to carry. You know the malpractice you chose and the mis-step you chose. You know the pain you caused but maybe not so, the fear and anger. Yet, your decision caused them nonetheless. 

To the Doctor whom we no longer see. 

You know why. And that, is all that matters to me. But maybe, maybe you do not know why. So, I have decided it is time to tell you. So, we will tell you. We will tell you of the pain and fear and anger you have caused. We will remind you of the journey your decision forced us to walk. We will speak up and not so to bring about anything other than possibly your awareness and protection for those who come after us. That maybe, just possibly, because of our bravery in telling our story, they are not forced into the same journey we have walked. 

Yes. I think it is time I write.

To the Doctor. 

~Abi

My Endometriosis Journey

 Today I thought I would share my personal journey with endometriosis. My journey really begins all the way back to my adolescent years. I knew something was not quite right early on into my womanhood journey. There were days of having such severe cramps that I would be couch ridden for an entire day. I knew when speaking with my peers that my experience, though shared by several, was not always the "norm". In fact, I can recall several peers telling me they really did not even experience cramps. I couldn't understand at the time, but the severity of my pain and the symptoms that would accompany it like, throwing up on occasion, passing out or almost passing out, being bed-ridden, were all pointing to something more. Not only that, but as the years passed these symptoms began to regularly happen throughout the month not only during a period. In fact, the further things progressed the more it was common to have worse pain and symptoms outside of a regular cycle. Flash forward to the year we got married, I was in my early 20's and we were attending an evening concert when I began feeling like I could no longer walk. The pain in my abdomen was crippling. I recall it hurting to go to the bathroom either way. I recall feeling hot and like I could pass out or throw up. I recall feeling like something inside of me was going to fall out. I thought I was having an appendicitis attack. However, I learned it was an ovarian cyst. The cyst I was told would burst on its own and I would be fine. However, that did not happen, and the pain continued building to the point where I asked to have it surgically removed/drained. When they removed it via a laparoscopy, I was then told it was a blood/fluid filled cyst and that it was drained, and all is well. I recall being sent home and having severe abdominal pain and trying to use the bathroom. I ended up coming to on the floor with my husband on the phone with 911. He had called for an ambulance to come for me since I was so weak.  

I recovered from that and thought truly that I had finally put all of these odd symptoms behind me. But the pain continued internally. During the scans of my abdomen, they had found a small fibroid tumor in my womb. Again, I had tried to put it all behind me but with my continued pain and symptoms I decided to see a specialist for all of my pain. He ran further tests and again confirmed the presence of a small fibroid tumor and concluded that must be the cause of my internal pain and cramping. The pulling/falling sensation was getting worse, and I was almost a year into marriage and dealing with infertility during that as well. The Dr. said we could operate to remove the tumor, but he first wanted to verify it was indeed non-cancerous due to the amount of pain I was having. He also said I was probably unlikely to conceive due to the location of the tumor and my current infertility. He could operate after the scan if they confirm it benign, however, the surgical removal of it could risk me losing my entire uterus if it went poorly. 

I was so unsure of what to do. My pain was unbearable and at times debilitating and yet this surgery could also put my hope for building a family naturally at risk. I recall a phone conversation with my mother-in-law where she encouraged me to put it all in God's hands... that He gave me these desires and He also would be faithful. I remember feeling more at peace after our conversation. I vividly recall that I took a Mace C.D. with me to my Cat Scan appointment because they told me i would be able to listen to something of choice during the scan. I also vividly remember my conversation with God before I left the car that day in the Hershey Medical center parking lot. I said, "God, even if just ONE life is changed, and ONE person comes to know You because of all of my pain I would consider it all worth it! Please use my life as a testimony." From what I knew Mace was a Christian rap artist. I loved his songs. Many on his album were filled with lyrics that inspired and spoke of change and the life of someone trying to live surrendered. I knew one song in particular gave a Salvation message within the lyrics. and I happened to LOVE that song too! So, I got up to my scan and the tech asked me that question that often brought tears... "Any chance of pregnancy?" to which, I choked up but I was able to mutter, "I mean I haven't had my period regular and so I'm late but I just took a test last week and it was negative soooo..." and he responded, "Okay, well if we start the scan and see that you are pregnant we will stop it right away because you shouldn't have this scan while pregnant." So, I again reassured him I just took the negative test and have been having issues so I'm pretty sure I am NOT pregnant. That is when I asked him if he would please play my Mace C.D. during the scan. He looked at me rather shocked and said incredulously, "YOU listen to Mace?" Me being me, I had no idea what he meant that apparently Mace had quite the bad boy rapper rap... So once I realized this was his understanding I reassured him, "Oh No! Mace has changed. You should listen to his lyrics. Especially track 7! It's my favorite." 

We began the scan, time went by, no the scan did not stop... and we got all the way through track 71I thanked God for the opportunity to share the gospel with someone in that way that day and I still do. Then, I went back home and waited over that long weekend for the results. I wasn't really concerned it was cancer. I just didn't have "that" feeling. However, when the call came in from my Dr. over my lunch break that Monday, I was NOT expecting to hear what he said. He began with the good news... "Well, it is not cancer BUT..." that But was so confusing and felt like the breath afterward lasted forever. Finally, he concluded his thought with the most perplexing and shocking words, "we think you might be pregnant." WHAT?! You had just told me a few days ago i may never conceive due to the placement of the tumor... yet here I was being told by that very same Dr. I am pregnant. So, in response, and continued disbelief I replied, "Well what ELSE could it be?" He responded, "It could just be a build up of fluid." OH! Immediately I knew in my head that was what it was. After all, I had just taken the negative test last week and the man who ran the scan promised me they would abruptly end the scan if any detection of pregnancy occurred, and they did NOT do that sooo... Okay, now I also have fluid building up in my uterus. GREAT! What else could be wrong with me?! I was getting downhearted. 

To the hallway I went, and some co-workers approached asking me what that was all about so I remember I off-handedly said, "Well that was my Dr. He thinks I might be pregnant." And my co-workers were like, "You need to go home and take a test right now!" So, that's exactly what I did when my shift ended. I went home and walked to the CVS at our corner, bought a test, went home and proceeded to be in complete shock when the result read with two bold pink lines! PREGNANT! ONLY GOD!

I thought maybe this would mean the end of all of this pain and difficulty. But it was actually only the beginning of the next few years of nightmarish pain and suffering. During pregnancy I felt AMAZING! In fact, the further along I got the more I felt the best I had in years! I had no idea how excruciating the year after I delivered my first would become. I nursed her only briefly and began bottle feeding soon after recovering. With that decision brought back my cycle. This time, more regularly. This meant, the pain was also more regular. I had nothing to compare these pains to before childbirth and labor pains. However, now that I had experienced a 24 hour labor with 3 hours of pushing I knew exactly what labor and after birth and all of that felt like. Now when the pain set in throughout the month I could describe the torturous internal burning pains, the pains that felt like my insides were being ripped into tiny shreds and being pulled out or trying to fall out without luck. These pains, unlike childbirth, wouldn't come and go, in fact, they often stayed for hours upon hours. And for some odd reason that I still do not understand they would often strike me in the overnight hours for hours on end until I felt so tortured and hopeless and afraid of the unbearable and seemingly endless internal hellish pain that I would beg to be taken to the emergency room for some sort of pain relief! Anything! I became desperate. And over the course of that next year I must have gone to the E.R. at least a handful of times hoping for some sort of relief only to be dealt continued confusion, no answers to the amount of awful pain I was in and no end in sight to all of the continued infertility again as well. I had delivered my first in 2006 and suffered these horrendous pains for the next year until the end of 2007. In between that time I saw a Dr. who finally gave me the diagnosis that I could understand and make sense of all of the unimaginable pain and symptoms I had be suffering for years. Endometriosis. I remember finally feeling relieved to have an answer and be able to gain some sort of understanding in all of my suffering. I also recall feeling a better sense of direction for treatment and management options. 

After that appointment we began discussing treatment options and landed on the only one that seemed it had some potential to help me re-gain a sense of control in my life that felt very out of control and stolen at the time. I was at the point I couldn't even feel safe to go to the grocery store for an hour anymore for fear and panic that a pain attack would strike and debilitate me in front of everyone and abandon me at the store until help could arrive. The pain attacks had begun to alter my way of living and make me feel isolated, afraid, and insecure in my own skin. Taking Lupron helped me gain a sense of self again. for those 3 months my pains subsided, and I felt like I could again LIVE. But, first of all I knew it was not a long-term fix and that eventually I would need to end treatment, probably after 6 months, due to the potential bone side effects. Furthermore, during the end of the 3rd treatment I had breakthrough pain and was dealing with other unwanted side effects and didn't tolerate the injections well... so, I decided to end treatment. With that decision pain did come back. However, not to the extent it had before. But, enough that I continued to seek out treatment options for this new diagnosis. I looked into changing my diet, and other alternative methods to treat my pain and that is when the Lord led me to a friend of mine who shared her mom's journey with endometriosis and her struggle with continued pain even after the Hysterectomy. She gave me her phone number and that call helped me to begin my Essential Oil journey! I STILL use and love essential oils. I do believe fully that God gave them to us to use to find natural healing and help for many ailments! For me, they weren't a cure, but they were a healing balm and an analgesic to lessen the intensity, frequency and panic that the endometriosis pain had brought into my life. After learning her endometriosis regimen and using it successfully for 3-9 months, sometime in that time frame we ended up pregnant in the fall of 2007. I do believe that something either related to my hormone imbalances from still regulating after using Lupron OR in general my lack of health in that season of my life due to the traumatic pain I was enduring regularly I just could not sustain her pregnancy and we ended up losing our second child, a daughter, Joeli Grace after 5 months of pregnancy. We will never know the true cause of her death though and I am still haunted by that. I just wish to know and understand why and what caused it. But we will never know so I have come to try and release that to God. 

After losing Joeli, we purposed to wait so that I could heal not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, after her loss. We began trying again but it just did not seem possible. Yet, beyond all odds, yet a third time just under a year and almost to the day the year prior when we had conceived, we again conceived. This time, I felt ill from all of the hormone changes but oddly strong and well physically otherwise. mentally and emotionally though this 3rd pregnancy was extremely trying. As time went on though, as in the past, my pain completely vanished and as far as that goes, I felt WELL and WHOLE! 

After delivering my third child, I nursed for almost the whole first year and fell pregnant almost immediately after I stopped nursing. So, I spent that entire next year also feeling WELL and WHOLE! I nursed my 4th child, 3rd living child, until 15 months old. My cycle started off manageably. and regular but was beginning to be at times debilitating and brought me fear once again. I also continued to desire a bigger family and once my husband saw my heart and we decided to try it was immediately that we were blessed to be able to conceive my 4th living child. After delivering her I intentionally pre-determined to nurse for as long as the baby would happily do so. Considering by that point I recognized that pregnancy and nursing put me into COMPLETE remission of all my pain and symptoms of the endometriosis. I praise God that for me, these two blessed aspects of life were afforded to me by God my Maker and that He also allowed them to be my healing balm for the better part of my child-bearing years. I'm now going on almost 20 years post diagnosis and I still have not needed to resort to the Hysterectomy. God has been so kind to help me through my journey of endometriosis. I also went on after my 4th living child to nurse her until she was almost 3 years old and then conceive immediately my 6th, 5th living child. And, I nursed him until he was almost 3 also. All the while, my pain at bay! It wasn't until I went an entire year and a half post nursing cessation with my 5th child that the pain began to come back to an unbearable point. Most of my pain at this point was mid-cycle around ovulation. The pain would last a week or more and come and go. That was when we discussed a hysterectomy but I was only 38. I made the decision after a wise friend asked me a prompting question, "Do you WANT another child?" So, I stopped and actually asked myself that question. I felt too old now. I felt like my chances were slim still but that if it were God's will, YES, I DID actually desire for one more child in our family. And so, that was the end of that story! She was given to us one that desire like He even planted each one of our children in advance in my heart to grow there first! 

I am now 2 years post delivery and a few months into trying to wean and my cycle returning after having delivered by 6th living child and I can tell you that my pain is returned but nothing like it has been in the past yet. My prayer has been for years now for God to HEAL me if it is His will. I believe in many ways He has and He has used seasons of healing to get me to where I am now. Almost 40, having been blessed with 6 living children and a strong albeit older and less capable body than my younger self likes... But here I am, telling my endometriosis journey. In hopes to inspire faith, wisdom and comradery in the journey. And thats exactly what I hope me telling my story does!

Blessings,

Abi

Does God…

 Recently the thought hit me…

Does God care about me when I’m tired? As a busy wife and mom this could really probably be rephrased to say, “Does God care about me PERIOD.” *sarcasm* For laughs 😝🤪😂  I’m not much of the sarcastic type though, so there is definitively some truth mixed in there because truthfully, 

I

Am

Tired

A lot! 

Something I believe in the core of my being is that it is not only “okay” to ask questions of God, but it is actually the BEST way to grow and understand and know Him more. I grew up learning from my Grandmother modeling a close friendship with the Holy Spirit. She was one who would say things like, “I lost my glasses. So, I asked the Holy Spirit to show me where they were and He told me, ‘Mary Jane go check the drawer by your bed.’ And sure enough there they were-praise God!” Intimacy with the Holy Spirit is built and wrought often through seasons of deep need, seasons of great uncertainty, of fears, doubts, insecurities, and well the word need truly summed it up best. It is in my longing and my need when His presence has been the truest treasure life could ever offer. And I’ve been afforded some of life’s best treasures quite honestly. Marriage. Children. A home. A career. Education. Etc. But the truest treasure of all is His presence. His presence is always there yet there are seasons just like those around us when the Sun, though still shining brightly as ever, now feels ever lacking heat. In those seasons-be patient. Seasons always change! And in those winter seasons I think is when it’s especially valuable to continue leaning in close to Him and be inquisitive. 

Long story short, ask Him the questions! Even if they feel

Silly

Strange

Or something else.

As I asked the Lord, “Do you care about me when I’m tired?” I felt His tender loving nudge reminding me through a question right back to me.

“Do you care about your child when they are tired?” 

The answer to that question, as I’m feeling compassion, tender loving care, extra helpful toward my son while he battled the morning drudgery of school prep… was a resounding AHA—YES! 

I could see immediately how deeply my sinful broken heart CARED for my tired child and I instantly felt Gods loving embrace wrapping around me to say, “Child, I CARE!” 

I knew in my head He cared. But I needed to know in my emotional self of His tender mercies anew. 

”Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119‬:‭77‬ ‭NLT‬‬

”The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.“

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭22‬-23 ‭NLT‬‬ 

I love this thought about His mercies on me beginning afresh each morning because I can so easily feel I’ve run those mercies out yesterday and He probably needs (regarding me) to start afresh. He knows I have so much continued growth and pruning yet needed in my life. Yet He bears with me and stands open armed toward me each morning with all my tiredness, fatigue and need and He says, “Do you need a hug and help getting lunch together? I’m here for you, let me help!” 

He CARES about me when I’m tired. Yes. And He cares about you too in whatever need you’ve got, bring it to Him and know His mercies are new every day! 

Blessings, 

Abi 

‭

Stinky Armpits and Nose Hairs

 What do stinky armpits and nose hairs have to do with one another you might ask… well, let me dive in. 

When I was a little girl my grandparents made it a regular stop from Lebanon to Lancaster to come and do yard work and cleaning for my parents. My Grandma was a workhorse. Not only did she work hard, but she also expected US to work hard too. Gasp! In fact, when Grandma was coming we would often see her through our front window walking down the stone walkway toward our front door and loudly exclaim to one another, “Grandma’s coming! Quick, HIDE!” We would then quickly find the nearest hiding spot or run for our lives. Insert uproarious laughter. Otherwise, Grandma, upon spotting us would promptly tell us our immediate tasks and expect us to leap into action. And believe me, had we chosen not to adhere we would have a swift stern talking to which was not something you wanted to get from “the Gym Teacher” voice of Grandma. 

So anyway, back to what stinky armpits and nose hairs have in common… Grandma came inside from one hot summer day of weed whacking and sat me down beside her (and I did love my Grandma, so I leaned in close) while she sipped her regular choice of iced coke. And boy, when I leaned in close let me tell you, that-day-she-STUNK! So, my honest little self exclaimed without hesitation, “Grandma, your armpits STINK!” Well, that phrase became a joke throughout my childhood and even into my adulthood. Suffice it to say, I don’t typically lie or fluff the truth. If you stink, you stink. And, you might hear it from me 🤪 

Now, flash forward to just a few months ago. I was visiting my niece after a cleaning job and I decided this was the perfect time to tell her my “stinky armpits” story from when I was a child and tell her she may not want to lean in too close to Aunt Abi either right now… And to my utter shock, without missing a beat, the moment I finished my story, with her eyes peering up at me she boldly exclaimed, “Aunt Abi why do you have such huge nose hairs?” WHAT?! Me?! Nose hairs?! Huge?! Oh. My. Word! I mean stinky armpits I can handle that truth, but out of nowhere I’m now ashamedly aware that I apparently have humongous nose hairs I need to go home and pluck. Yes, my niece is my mini! Lord help me! Plucking nose hairs, for those of you who are blessed enough not to know,  ensues the worst pain and tears almost nearing childbirth <<EXAGGERATION WARNING>> 🤣 

Ironically, just before my lovely niece made me so ghastly aware of something (I was ignoring about myself apparently) I had just shared with a women's group the weekend prior about how valuable it is to have people in our lives who are willing to risk hurting us to simply speak truth into our lives. It’s important to not only accept others view of us into our lives but to actually take time, opportunity and to purpose and intentionally lean in to those around us and ask tough questions about ourselves from time to time. To learn. To grow. To be challenged. To be shaped. To be changed. To sharpen and to remove things from our lives that may be branches that we really ought to allow to be pruned. Without a mirror though, it’s hard to see sometimes that yesterdays mascara isn’t fully off your face and you subsequently have major raccoon eyes. BUT, if you look at the mirror——HELLO RACOON! It’s a quick reminder—Hey, I should probably go remove yesterdays make up. Likewise, how would we know our armpits stink or our nose hairs need a pluckin’ if someone near——KEY WORD— NEAR—  us isn’t willing to be HONEST OR if we, aren’t willing to ask or accept that very honesty! 

“For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭24‬-‭25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I want to challenge and encourage us this week to consider not only accepting truths about ourselves from those near us, but to actually purpose and be intentional on ASKING those nearest us tough questions. You may caveat the ask with something like, “Remember, I’m sensitive so go easy on me, ya know, maybe start with something you see me doing right and well and THEN share gently something you notice that I could lean into Jesus more and be willing to rid from my life, pray about, or to work on!” But don’t NOT ask. Yup! Double negative;) do you love me now lol! But yes, ask tough questions and invite people in NEAR to see what maybe you’re missing in the mirror yourself and don’t let your blind spots keep you stuck in rooted yuck. 

Let the yuck go so you can grow! 

We are so much better when we are excited for opportunities to grow and change! I’m so excited to see how we continue growing into better stronger wives, husbands, children, friends, co-workers, worshippers, etc… let’s pluck those nose hairs, clean those pits and not forget yesterday’s mascara ladies 😂🤪

. 

Blessings, 

Abi 

Praise Sunday

 I’ve been thinking recently about the state of depression and brokenness of so many around me and of my own soul. As I pondered where things lie for so many, and as I have started praying for a restoration of the JOY of my salvation, my thoughts have led me to recall the place that GRATITUDE and PRAISE have in my life. To recall the very real fact that CHOOSING to praise can change my attitude, my outlook, my mindset and my strength. It repurposes the energy of doubt, fear, disillusionment, heartache and pain and puts all of that energy into HOPE and into HIM—eyes fixed on His strength and promises even when we are weak or in seasons of long suffering can be such a game changer. Choosing to praise not for good circumstances but for good Promises and trusting the bigger picture of Gods plans not my limited vision. 

As I thought about all of that, I was reminded of an AMAZING Sunday activity our church used to do when I was a young kid. We went to Petra Christian Fellowship in New Holland. They led this special Sunday that they called Praise Sunday. Praise Sunday was open mic. Praise Sunday was incredible! Even as a child I looked forward in joyful expectation to that special Sunday. Also, on Praise Sunday it was known you might end up sitting through some of the long-winded silly people who would ramble on and on praise Sunday after praise Sunday. BUT, it was also known that you would sit through some incredible, unbelievable, amazing, encouraging testimonies from people lives about THE WORK OF GOD! I don’t know anything more encouraging then hearing about how God is working in my friends and family’s lives, and in His Church! 

And so what do ya know?! It just so happens… (More and more I’m realizing how really nothing is “just so happens”… instead, It’s more and more visible that Gods hand is in every small detail of our lives!) Here I was pondering this the past two weeks and then at church on Sunday my friend and worship leader Lauren decided to prompt us all to SHARE how God is working in our lives recently! What do ya know, PRAISE SUNDAY!! And can I just tell you… I got goosebumps! And I was so encouraged! I was SO ENCOURAGED! I left that room FILLED with HOPE! I needed that! I NEED more of that! And I think truly WE need MORE of that! Can we take time to SHARE more regularly with one another how God is working and speaking to us?! Let’s be intentional to do that with one another! Let’s prompt one another! Let’s ask one another, “How is God working in your life recently? What do you hear God speaking to you recently?” 

Also, can we bring back PRAISE SUNDAY?! Who cares about the silly ramblers 😆😂 Even as a child I knew that my spiritual vitality grew from praise Sunday. Even as a child I longed for my cup to be filled and for my hope to abound! Even as a child I looked forward in great joyful anticipation to hearing more about Gods ACTIVE, LIVING role in our broken  needy world. 

Please share with me how God is working and speaking in your life! I’d LOVE to hear ♥️🙏 

Blessings, 

Abi 

The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease

 There is an old saying… 

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Ever heard it? Ever seen it play itself out in your world? 

In my world it plays itself out within the context of my family. One of my kiddos, who shall remain nameless, often asks for things. Things like, time. Things like items at the store. Things like help with things they don’t even really need help with. Basically, just like the meaning of the saying… because said kiddo asks… said kiddo often (and sometimes I think MORE often than our other kiddos) receives. It’s not that this child is favored above the rest, though our kids do enjoy speculating that we have favorites. We, I’m sure falter, but we do work hard to distribute our love and show our love and favor equally among our kids. Nonetheless, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?! 

As I was thinking about this recently the Holy Spirit reminded me of the scripture from Matthew 7:7-11

7 “Ask and it will be given to you;(E) seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds;(F) and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts(G) to those who ask him! 

I love this passage because it reminds me of Gods heart for me. I’m definitely aware of how flawed my parenting is. On the daily I see my weaknesses and failures and my need to rely on Gods grace and my kids grace too! But this passage reminds me of how much I long to be a giver of good gifts to my children and if that is my evil hearts longing then how much MORE will my Good God be FOR me and intending good gifts unto me?

Pondering this old saying, I am also reminded of this parable Jesus told from Luke 18.

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.(A)2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought.3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice(B)against my adversary.’

4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”(C)

6 And the Lord(D) said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out(E) to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man(F) comes,(G) will he find faith on the earth?”

As I read this passage I feel like Jesus is saying repeatedly, “Look—this judge isn’t even just or good… how much MORE will our Good God hear and respond to our requests?!” But interestingly He finished His story with, “will he find faith on the earth?” I believe one of the quickest ways to test how weak or how STRONG our faith is, is to see what happens to faith in the WAIT! Have you ever been in the wait? I have. And it is SO hard! Like fire burning, waves crashing, rocks sliding— HARD! But friend, let us NOT give up! Let us KEEP 

ASKING

SEEKING

KNOCKING

Let us be the squeaky wheel. But not just that. Let us be squeaky wheels 

FILLED WITH FAITH! 

And when we ask, let us come confidently! Our confidence is that His ear is always inclined toward our hearts! 

1st John 5:14 

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 

In closing, as this passage from 1st John encourages us, let us also come to Him in surrender as we ask. I don’t know about you, but in that surrender, I’m reminded WHO I’m surrendered to. To the One who longs to give me good gifts ♥️

I pray you’re blessed even a little bit this morning by these ponderings of my soul. 

-Abi

A Horse and My Rear End

“What’s that about a horse and your rear end?” You ask. Well let’s talk about it. 

In September I did a thing. I ventured out very spur of the moment into two separate half marathon length runs. Both, while pushing my baby in the jogging stroller. Mind you, I’ve never run that far ever pushing any of my babies before. So the feat once alone would have amazed me. But I ventured out, with so much excitement, not once, but twice last month to do so! I know, I’m strange. I actually LIKE running. No, no, I LOVE running! Anyway, all that said, two half marathon length runs give a girl a LOT of time to think. 

I love time to think. I love my running time because it’s one of the most intimate times of Gods voice speaking loud and clear to my finally still and quiet heart and mind. See, in the crazy hard work and striving of my run, it is there my mind finds stillness. And, in the still of my run that is where God can often best meet me—loud and clear! 

So I was thinking. And I was listening. And I was watching. I’m a huge believer in the fact that God speaks directly to us! We just need to believe that more and learn HOW to listen! There are seasons of wait and times that are more quiet, but I am also a believer in the fact that He wants to speak to us! Here are several ways to listen for Gods voice:

1. READ HIS WORD! He is always speaking through His word. It will never disappoint and it will always point us in the right direction! 

2. Talk to a trusted Christ following friend! His voice, through the Holy Spirit, can speak audibly through His Body in some of the most profound, encouraging and amazing ways! 

3. Get your booty to Church! This goes back to point 1 and 2, but in its own rite, going to church is not about being religious or expecting perfection or an experience. Instead, it is about giving yourself more opportunity to hear the Word of God and meet with the Body for edification and encouragement, to hear His voice! 

4. Pray and ask! Spend time talking TO God, asking for more of His voice, but also spend time just being WITH God, quietly waiting on Him to see if the Holy Spirit has something special for YOU! 

5. Let music refresh your soul. I believe there is healing and a transcendence about music that often allows our soul to quiet enough to hear Him! 

6. And finally, LOOK! Nature was created by God and by His Word everything was MADE! I believe He is using His Creation to speak directly to us always. 

I don’t share these insights lightly. My own spirit has craved his voice in this season I’ve been in. I long for more of Him! To feel and know His nearness anew. I pray you’re hungry for His voice too! I pray we never lose our hunger for more of Him! 

So, finally onto the part of the story where I talk about the horse…

I was running past a horse. It was the common tall, brown Lancaster county farmers horse. Nothing special or notable. But I did notice something. I noticed what looked like a mask over the horses eyes. From an initial glance it was black and looked like the horse couldn’t see anything. Immediately I thought about how uncomfortable the horse must be. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m  Lancaster county gal born and bred. And I know what this mask is for and what it’s purpose is. I’m well aware that the intent of the mask is to PROTECT. The mask is there SO THAT the horse does not become infested with flies or infected by them. I know that the fly mask is meant to HELP and keep the horse WELL. BUT, to an outsider, to someone who doesn’t know, who’s not been led to understand or made privy to the knowledge, to them it would look like a cruel and even inhumane torture quite possibly. Why cover the horses eyes? It even looks like they can no longer see well, if at all. It just seems uncomfortable and unnatural. But when you know the intent and purpose of the fly mask it all of the sudden becomes easy to see that it is out of 

Compassion 

And 

Love 

The fly mask is placed by the Master. 

Now I didn’t think too much more of it. After all, I was only on mile 4 and I had another 11 miles to go. So, on I ran. It wasn’t until, I believe around mile 10 or so, that the shadows began to shift, as the sun rose further into the September sky. As the shadows shifted I noticed my shadow. And there it was, bouncing-almost dancing on the road beside me. No, not my shadow alone, but a very specific part of my shadow came into view… it was  

My REAR END! 

You got that right folks. I do have a rear end. Despite being told numerous times throughout my life that this girl ain’t got any junk in the trunk, no baby got back, no——I got treble, ain’t got no bass… YES—in my shadow, I HAVE a rear end. Being silly but not being silly, I actually honestly got a little excited to myself like, ooh! Look! I have a butt! Ha! But now seriously, I started to think. Again, in the quiet of the run I had time to ponder. Why is it that so much FOCUS is put on the body. Yes men face it too, but I would argue as a female, we women have SO much more focus placed on our external appearance throughout life. WHY?! Why is it that our boobs are never the right size, our lips need to be more plump but our thighs jiggle too much? Our hair should be more flowing and full and our nails should never be undone. Why is it that our butts are never the right size—too big, too small, too this too that?! There is SO much FOCUS placed not only on the external for females but now we don’t even know what a female is any longer. Now the FOCUS is on the construct of gender, on sexual identity. There is So Much FOCUS on all these THINGS. At one point I was having a very difficult conversation with a friend who was a female but claimed to be gender confused and felt more like a 5 year old boy. She was also living as a lesbian, and she asked me a question that for her I believe she thought would be very very difficult for me to answer. She said, “If God asked you to surrender your love for Sean and be celibate and never love men, would you do it?” God has not asked this, but, if God asked that of us I would be willing to surrender even my sexuality and my preferences for His calling to be obedient. 

But WHY?! Why would I ever even consider doing that for God? Especially if it’s what makes me happy and feel good? Let’s dive a little deeper. Why and how would I just surrender my wants, my desires, my natural inclinations and follow and obey His Word? 

Well, first let’s talk about our FOCUS! First of all, let’s scale and dial things back a little bit. People in my family like to say, “back up the choo choo”. In other words, don’t get carried away! Our culture and society have spent years being OVER SEXUALIZED! Sex, sexuality, gender and gender roles, the body and what it does or does not look like is thrown in our faces constantly. Social media has amplified this! We see what used to be just billboards and magazines and the occasional ad’s on television, now on a tiny pocket-sized, hand-held device in our hands almost 24/7 shoving the same viper poison down our throats almost non-stop. I didn’t have to go anywhere special as a kid to be told things ranging from I was anorexic, a beanpole to that I had fat Zimmerman thighs (sorry all you other Zimmerman’s out there 🤪), to that I had no butt and pediatric size ears! EVERYTHING seems to FOCUS on the outward appearance! Everything seems to scream 

YOU AREN'T 

OK 

WORTHY 

ENOUGH 

LOVED 

But guess what?! God does NOT say these things nor focus nor want our focus to be on the outward! 

People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1st Samuel 16:7 

We can take great comfort, not only in any flaws insecurities or unmet hopes for our outward appearance being overcome by Gods love but also by His judgment. If He looks at us and judges differently, than I for one am SO grateful! He doesn’t PLACE HIS FOCUS ON my sexuality, my gender identity or my body. He judges and He looks at my heart! How comforting! How encouraging! How redirecting of my own focus!! He does speak to these things in His Word but His focus is ultimately on our heart and our relationship with Him! Everything falls into place as the heart prompts it all. 

So then, back to WHY… why would I surrender anything to God—even my sexuality or gender identity? The answer comes from the knowledge of and the trust in His great and unfailing LOVE and COMPASSION for me! Remember those words from earlier? From what I shared with you about the horse and it’s Master? See Gods word DOES provide boundaries, “fly masks” if you will. His Word lovingly and in kindness gives us warnings like, if you don’t wear this fly mask you might suffer immeasurably with disease, pain, hardships. But instead of the fly mask Gods Word directly addresses the hard topics of today. Like 1st Corinthians 6:18-20 

18Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

We see God’s WHY behind the WHAT when we look into His word. I encourage you to ASK God WHY He gives a law, a boundary or labels a sin you don’t understand. I believe He wants to speak to you giving you knowledge and understanding of the why behind the what! As a parent, I have made it a point to try my best to always do that for my kids. If I set a boundary or restrict them from something I don’t want them to be without the knowledge, the understanding and the WHY behind the WHAT. I believe, like a much better parent than myself, God too wants us to have understanding! Sometimes that understanding or knowledge is us simply but profoundly and humbly being able to “just” surrender and TRUST. To trust His love. To trust His compassion. To trust His kindness. To trust that there must be a reason WHY He “puts the fly mask” on certain things in this world for us.  

Are there things you’ve personally been wrestling with God about recently? Maybe it’s not the fly masks but maybe it is in general your desire to know His heart and intentions more fully. ASK HIM! And then do the work of listening intently in the ways I listed above! He WILL speak to you. I’m so sure! 

So there ya have it. The story of a horse and my rear end. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking around. I am going to try to be better at listening too ♥️ And following His nudges to WRITE again too. 

Blessings, 

Abi